Disney Character Gravestones
by DisturbedMind666
Summary: If you're raising your eyebrows right now - good. We've got your interest. For full details of what boredom and not being able to sleep does to us, click to read. Rated for mature content; and be prepared to laugh as we take a look at some villains. Enjoy
1. Gaston

I know what you're thinking.

What the fuck am I doing writing about what the gravestones of characters would say?"

Yes? Am I right? Or are you instead thinking; "How fucking morbid to even think up such things!"

Correct? Well before we begin, let me explain.

This idea came up one late night when my friend, who we shall only call S, was staying over at my place and we couldn't get to sleep. For some reason, or other, we started to talk about our hate for Twilight and its ridiculously ludicrous characters. I suddenly suggested what would be written on Edward's gravestone, and so began the quite hilarious, if not crude, mission to come up with as many funny sayings on our favourite and most hated character's gravestones.

S: Call us evil, call us sick. But you can't deny, we came up with some funny shit! Hey look! I rhymed!

Me: Er... no, you didn't!

S: It sounded like it!

Me: Well it isn't!

S:... Fuck you!

**Gaston**

S: Wow. We sure aim high don't we? What a way to start this off! We're killing Mickey Mouse!

Me: Ha! He's annoying anyway!

S: And Goofy? Donald? Minnie?

Me: THEY ALL SUCK!

S: Well gooooosh, Hollie. A-hyuck! A-hyuck! Why're you such a bitch?

Me:... Fuck you!

S: Not so nice, is it?

Me: If you're easily offended, then please read no further! You have been warned. Don't leave us horrible reviews.

S: Every horrible review makes Mickey Mouse cry!

Me: We all know someone like Gaston; someone with their head so far up their own ass, it's amazing they can see where they are going! Someone who genuinely believes they are marvellous or special, even though they have the charm of a slug and intelligence of a fish!

S: Except when he's played by Hugh Jackman. Then he IS amazing and special. Huba, huba...

Me: Hands off, I saw him first!

S: Can't we share him?

Me: NO!

S: *Sad Face*

Me: Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

_Here lies Gaston_

_Born: The __poor provincial town_

_Died: The Beast's Castle, France_

_No one dies like Gaston!_

Me: Hey, S, shouldn't your genius song come here?

S: Yes, Hollie. Yes it should.

_God it disgusts me to see you, Gaston,_

_Lying all bloody and hurt!_

_Everyone cried when they saw you Gaston,_

_as you lay covered in dirt._

_There's no one who knows what transpired for you,_

_so all we can do is ask why?_

_I was the one who admired you most,_

_which is why I have my own 'goodbye.'_

_No one dies like Gaston!_

_No one cries like Gaston!_

_No one's skull breaks incredibly quick like Gaston's!_

_It's a shame he died in such a way,_

_Must have been nasty for him._

_You can hear everyone whisper and say,_

_That every bone in him was broken limb from limb._

_No one yells like Gaston_

_Tripped and fell like Gaston_

_No one's burning and screaming in Hell like Gaston!_

_When it comes to death, yes, he was the very best!_

_Oh so mangled, poor Gaston._

Me: So evil...

S: Quietly whistles...


	2. Frollo

Me: Hi again! Thank you kindly to the six people who reviewed our story. To **AngelOfDarkness1959**, we salute you for your hatred of Twilight, but we're afraid you're just going to have to wait for our Twilight gravestone fic. Now that IS something to look forward to. Right S?

S: Right! And to** MissMadiMay12**, we salute you too! Twilight and its author suck!

Me: Oh, and why not? Let's make this open to any Disney characters. I'm sure we can come up with something for all of them, can't we S?

S: Sure we can! **SideshowJazz1**, your wish is granted!

H: And thanks also to **StarReader86**, **Rohesia **and **DitzyMinx **for your comments! We look forward to making you all laugh again right here and now!

S: And, this time, we're going to add more gravestone inscriptions since Gaston's was sorely lacking!

**Judge Claude Frollo**

Me: Well, the above title says it all!

S: This is one of our favourite films that Disney has made. It's dark, sad and has one of the best and most evil villains I've seen in a Disney movie. You're never going to encounter a Captain Hook or a Maleficent, but we all know there's people like Judge Claude Frollo out there and let's be honest, isn't that just frightening?

Me: *Runs and hides*

_Here Lies Claude Frollo _

S: Can we really give this guy a birth date and death date? He never ages! Look at him at the beginning of the movie, and then twenty years later! He looks the exact same!

Me: S, I have some shocking news for you. The only villain who ever aged was the Evil Queen

S: ...Shut up. Anyway, where were we?

_Here Lies Claude Frollo_

_Born – A very long time ago_

_Died – Estimated 50 years later_

_. Exterminating sinners since the 1500s' (that's everyone!)_

_. The most ironic death in Disney history! _

_. He was plunged into the fiery pit!_

_. He really needed to get laid! _

Me: Jeez, S, you're morbid!

S: Considering what you said about Sykes, so are you, hypocrite!

Me:...Fuck you!

S: Everyone, when it comes to the Latin, read the English, not the Latin bits! We got those from Google Translate. Here is my parody of Hellfire! Enjoy and laugh!

Me: For even more hilarity, listen to the instrumental of this song while reading!

**_Beata Maria_**

_Truly he was a nasty man._

_Extreme, intolerant and a dick._

**_Eum esse __dick__.__ (He was such a dick)_**

**_Beata Maria_**

_He came up with such evil plans,_

_but was horny for a hot, Gypsy chick._

**_Ita eam __de __suo __foedere__.__(She was so out of his league.)_**

_Then tell me, Maria_

_Why was he so perverted?_

_Sniffing her hair was so goddamn wrong!_

**_Atque film kids!__(And in a kid's film!)_**

_He failed! So badly!_

_Couldn't he have masturbated?_

_It's not as if he didn't have the chance!_

**___Sordida m_otherfucker_ (That dirty motherfucker!)_**

_The fire!_

_Hellfire!_

_Consumed by his own lust!_

_His madness, so dire,_

_Just fills me with disgust!_

Me: For the love of God, S! That's all I have to say!

S: How dare you! I'll have you know that parody was a work of art! Do you know how long I slaved over this?

Me: Yes... I was sitting right next to you!

S: And laughing along with me, hypocrite! Ha, ha!

Me: Oh, shuttappa your face and get on with the next one!

S: It's Sykes, everyone!

Me: Till next time, folks!


	3. Sykes

Me: Hi all! Welcome to chapter three of our fic. Today it's S-

S: YIKES! IT'S SYKES!

Me: Keep your hair, on, S! He's dead, remember?

S: Oh yeah, so he is. I mean, I knew that!

Me: Sure you did, S, sure you did! **AngelOfDarkness1959**, we shall hopefully be bringing our Twilight Fic to a FanFiction website near you! Thanks for another great review! We hope this next one makes you laugh, too!

S: **That Freak****,** we shall certainly see what we can do about a parody for Ariel! Selling your soul for a guy you hardly know certainly is stupid, but that's Disney for you! Just ask me! I wrote a story about it! Glad you're enjoying it too!

Me: **DarkDancer07**, thanks a lot! We're glad you're enjoying it, Amy-Lou!

S: **Kino Lala**, we shall certainly try your suggestion of Ratigan, too! Thanks for taking the time to review!

Me: **SideshowJazz1**, we know, we still have nightmares, fifteen years after the film came out! He's the evil mastermind of Disney characters! We're glad you like it, too!

S: Thanks so much for your flattering reviews, everyone!

**(Bill?) Sykes**

Me: As we've said before, this is Sykes from Oliver and Company – and this chapter presented us with a little bit of a problem. S, explain!

S: Well, it goes like this: Sykes has no villain song. So we decided to use the song of Bill Sykes from the musical theatre production of Oliver Twist. This doesn't actually feature in the 1968 musical, but the instrumental tune plays in the background whenever the menacing Bill Sykes, played by lush Oliver Reed makes an appearance.

Me: The song is called 'My Name' and if it helps, search for it on YouTube and listen to it while reading this fic. Enjoy!

_Here Lies Bill Sykes_

_Born – Nobody knows (and nobody cares)_

_Died – 1988 – well, that's the year of the film, anyway_

_.Or what's left of him, his dogs and car_

_.Beaten by a dog and his pet cat!_

_.This is what happens when you drive on railway tracks_

_.Take note, loansharks! Never push for repayment!_

S: What's left of him, his dogs and car? What goes on inside your head, Hollie?

Me: S – I really don't think you want to know!

S: I do! I do! Tell me!

Me: Well – alright. Butterflies and birds and sugar and spice and everything nice and –

S: Fuck you!

Me: Fairies and dust and pixies and sparkling vampires –

S: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, FREAK! MUMMY, GET ME MY CRUCIFIX!

Me: Get out of YOUR house? This is MY house!

S: I don't care! I'm trapped with a TWILIGHT FAN!

Me: Fuck you! You wanted to know! I told you that you didn't want to know! Liking sparkling vampires doesn't make me a TwiShite fan!

S: IT'S HER CREATION, TRAITOR! No friend of mine would like SMeyer's vampire SHIT!

Me: That's OK then, I was never your friend anyway!

S: Oh shut up, get out of my way and let me do my song!

Me: Well, EXCUSE me, Princess!

_People all laugh when they hear it!_

_Because who the Hell would fear it?_

_It's funnier than they smear it!_

_Everybody mocks..._

_His name!_

_He forced men to give their notes out._

_If not his henchmen shook their coats out._

_His two dogs would tear their throats out._

_But now they all mock..._

_His name!_

_Dear God,_

_Disney Sykes was crap,_

_He was killed by a little_

_kitten!_

_There's no denying,_

_Oliver Reed was the best!_

_A train like an iron girder,_

_responsible for his murder,_

_No such tale has been heard a,_

_They all now sneer out..._

_His name! Bill Sykes..._

Me: God, that took forever!

S: What're you still doing here, you traitor? Get away from me with your sparkling nonsense!

Me: Ha? ME a traitor! YOU read all of the books and even worse LIKED THEM once! Burn her at the stake!

S: I was fourteen and impressionable!

Me: NO EXCUSE!

S: I was taken in! Put under a spell! I HATE SPARKLING VAMPIRES!

Me: PROVE IT!

S: We will go to the Breaking Dawn premier! And insult everyone and the movie until the very end! And Edward! And Bella! And Jacob! And that – that – that THING! And –

Me: Are you crazy? We'll be killed!

S: Exactly! _That_ is my proof!

Me: Alright, S, now I'm a believer! But I do think I'd better go and arrange us a safe house in case we DO get out of there alive!

S: You do that! We hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next, it shall be Ratigan!

Me: Till next time, all! Now, whatever did I do with that crucifix...?


	4. Ratigan

Me: Yo! It's us two crazy, weird, retarded, nutty, wacky, loving-to torture- Disney psychos again!

S: Ha! Very tired and angry! Stupid, bloody university essays!

Me: Hey, calm down, S! They're finished now, the curse is over!

S: FUCK YOU! YOU finished yours way before me!

Me: Hey, is it MY fault you get carried away looking on that flaming picture website as usual? No!

S: That should be my essay! I was the one who stood there and read out most of the points! And for your information, deviantart is a very good site!

Me: HA! And I was the one who wrote half of it while YOU looked at pics of your crappy anime, and I tapped my fingers to the bone, writing this! I can barely see the letters on my keyboard anymore!

S: CRAPPY ANIME? I'LL KILL YOU! NO ONE, BUT NO ONE DISREPSPECTS MY ANIME!

Me: S – I just did! What're you going to do?

S: I'll – I'll –

Me: EXACTLY! Nothing! So be a good little girl and run along to finish that essay you're enjoying writing so much.

S: You bitch! I'll kill you! Just wait until I get my hands on that precious memory book of yours! As soon as I'm finished my essay, that is going to be loo paper and YOU are going to be dead.

Me: Oh, OK. I'll only have the next fifty years to wait then. I think that'll give me time to get used to it.

S: Evil little –

Me: Fuck you! Anyway, let's not argue in front of the readers! They're here to be entertained! Hi all! As the title states, its...RATIGAN!

S: Before we begin, let's thank our reviewers! God bless you all! You see our sadistic, morbid nature and embrace us anyway! Only on the internet could we write about mocking characters deaths and get loads of positive reviews for it!

Me: First of all, **Amy**, thanks a lot and yes, we HATE sparkling vampires! Especially S!

S: SPARKLING WHAT? WHERE! I kid, but seriously I truly hate all things Twilight.

Me: Be patient and you'll see exactly how much when we get to the Twilight gravestones!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959**, you really, really don't want to know how we come up with this kind of stuff.

Me: Let me just add though, that S is the one who comes up with the lyrics! Not me! I'm the sane one! But, on a lighter note, thank you for your lovely reviews!

S: Suuuure. Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night...

Me: **Spirit of the Earth**, thank you very much! I'm sure we'll come up with something for Hades! After all, if we can come up with something for undead Edward Cullen, I'm sure we'll have no problem with Lord of the Underworld, Hades!

S: **OOHPRETTYLIGHTS, **WE SHALL! We'll show no mercy to Mary Sue Bella or Gary Stu Edward or the whole lot of them when the time comes!

Me: **SideshowJazz1****, **don't worry you didn't miss much. Man was tame compared to other Disney villains. That and you just can't compare to Oliver Reed! You have to respect a man who is fucking scary to watch in a film where everyone randomly bursts into song and he's the only one standing there scowling!

S: **PrincessArt49**, I will take that as a compliment and now laugh evilly like a bad, stereotypical villain! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: STOP FUCKING STEALING MY EVIL LAUGH, BITCH!

S: O_o... *Runs for her life*

**Professor (Padraic?) Ratigan**

Me: Hello all! Just to reassure you, I haven't murdered S! I wouldn't deprive you all of her twisted, lyrical genius!

S: Damn straight! I'm the talent around here!

Me: Yeah! But you don't have my evil laugh! I'm a master at it! I'm better than Jafar and Ursula combined!

S: Just shut up and get on with the gravestone!

Me: Now, for the record, I've never seen this film! S has though!

S: Yes indeed! I love this film and Ratigan, voiced by the late, great Vincent Price is an absolute joy to watch! And, his end battle with Basil is actually pretty intense for a Disney film!

Me: The song is called 'The World's Greatest Criminal Mind' and we recommend you look up the song and check it out! Enjoy!

_Here Lies __Professor Padraic Ratigan_

_Born – Who gives a shit! _

_Died – Sometime during the Victorian era. Again, don't give a shit!_

_. You're a rat, accept it! You're not fooling anyone! _

_. For a guy who hated been called a rat, he sure loved hearing his name. _

_. Might have been evil, but what a voice! _

_. Bet you regret fighting on Big Ben now, don't you? _

Me: I believe now is your time to shine, eh S?

S: Step aside and let me work my magic!

Me: S, is that a sparkle I see on your skin?

S: ... Fuck you.

_He tried hard to deny that he was a rat._

_But in the end he lost it, and fell and went splat!_

_His downfall you see was that he loved to brag!_

_And that, my friends, is why his plan hit a snag! _

_He'll never live another day!_

_His ego got in the way!_

_He lacked the restraint to stop the whole act,_

_And just kill when he had the chance._

_No, he much preferred that his plans were deferred_

_So he could gloat, laugh or dance._

_What a moron! It's so true!_

_He should have just accepted what he was._

_He looked badass with his claws!_

_Oh, Ratigan!_

_Oh, Ratigan!_

_Should have seen a shrink!_

_Bye, Ratigan!_

_Bye, Ratigan!_

_He had many issues, we think!_

S: Well, there you go! Damn, that song was harder to write than it looked!

Me: Sorry for the long wait. It was all S's fault!

S: Hey! I'm a human being and I wanted to enjoy my Easter holidays just like everyone else!

Me: *blows raspberry*

S: I take offence to how you always make me the buttmonkey of this fic! One day, _I_ will have my revenge!

Me: Don't you dare laugh _my_ evil laugh!

S: *Gives the evil eye* Just you wait...

Me: Next is Jafar, one of our favourite Disney villains!

S: Till next time! We promise the wait won't be as long!


	5. Jafar

Me: Welcome! How lovely to see you all in the wonderful world of FanFiction! S and I apologise for the delay in this chapter, but on account of University work, which is a royal pain in the ass, we hope you forgive us!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959 – **Being part Arab myself, I wouldn't have liked to write that either. Just because I'm very passionate about these kind of things and would be rather outspoken. But our teacher drives us mad, too! Yep, Jafar! We hope you enjoy. And we will be doing all villains, regardless of whether they have songs or not.

Me:** DarkDancer07 **– Thanks very much for your lovely reviews. We love to hear what people think of two crazy psychos like us, even if they do have straightjackets waiting and the asylum on speed dial! Enjoy Jafar!

S: **DitzyMinx** – it's always good to hear from some new blood... yum... In answer to your comment about the song choice for Jafar, we will have to respectfully decline using 'Second Rate,' purely because we tend to want to use the song most associated with the villains, and 'Prince Ali reprise' is the one we think most people think of when they imagine Jafar. We appreciate your review.

Me: **Pedro-IS-Madi12 – **More new blood? Mwah ha ha ha ha! Thank you very much; we love to hear how much you laugh at our morbid and twisted nature! Thanks to all who've reviewed; we love you all!

**Jafar**

S: As we've said, this is JAFAR! One of our favourite villains!

Me: S – he looks a bit like you! Long lost relative?

S: Are you insinuating I look like a tall, emancipated, bearded man? Are you?

Me: Yes...

S: GO FUCK YOURSELF! A POX ON THEE! You rampallian! You fustilarian!

Me: What the Hell are you saying, S? What did those last two words even mean?

S: Who cares! They're Shakespearean insults and they sound good! Now get thee crazy arse to HELL!

Me: Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!

S: Thinkest what thou likest... I couldn't give a toss

Me: Oh fuck off and get on with the bloody gravestone, will you!

S: _Nein!_ I refuse to put up with your _scheiße_ anymore! I have Spanish, Arabic and Japanese voclabury to insult you with as well, bitch!

Me: Bitch, I know a crazy ass girl called **AMY!** She'll kick your sorry ass all around this FanFiction site! _Ewch i UFFERN! _That's Welsh for "go to HELL!"

S: Welsh insults have no effect on me!

Me: Oh yeah? Try this out for size! _Urenokori__! _That's what you are, S!

S: Unmarried? I know I am... I don't need that to be said to me in Japanese!

Me: No, idiot! I'm calling you an H – A – G! Smart enough to put those letters together?

S: Oooooh! *coughs* Fuck you! I will have my revenge!

_Here Lies the Grand Vizier Jafar_

_Born – Does it matter? Forty or fifty years before Aladdin, we guess!_

_Died – Whenever Iago threw his sorry Genie arse into that lava pit! _

_. You should have killed Aladdin when you had the chance! _

_.Fell for a Street Rat's trick...oh, the shame!_

_.That snake staff let you down BIG time_

_. Such a paedophile – Jasmine is half your age!_

_. When it came to his pet, Iago, he should have read Shakespeare's Othello! _

_. How he didn't snap and kill the Sultan is beyond us!_

_. He had the heart of a devil, but the patience of a saint! _

S: God, he and Frollo would have made a right dastardly duo, wouldn't they? Both power hungry and both leer over young girls!

Me: Yuck! S, must you?

S: Hey, I speak only the truth here! Frollo clearly wanted to make the beast with two backs with Esmeralda while Jafar wanted to marry Jasmine! Suuure, it was mainly to become Sultan, but he still wanted to make a wish that she fall in love with him!

Me: What is it with you and Shakespeare today?

S: What can I say, the Immortal bard inspires me!

Me: Whatever! I have to say though; Jafar had one awesome evil laugh! Nothing on mine though! MUHAHAHAHA!

S: Oh yeah, you totally win in that department!

Me: Got to feel bad for Jafar though. I mean, look at the Sultan!

S: Don't get me started! That fat, immature bastard should _never_ have been sultan in the first place! How he had actually got himself a wife and managed to procreate is beyond me!

Me: Damn, S, that's harsh!

S: I just don't think we can blame Jafar for wanting to at least betray the Sultan! If I had him as a boss and was practically running the country myself, I'd be harbouring murderous thoughts as well!

Me: In hindsight, what Jafar SHOULD have done was wish to be the most powerful sorcerer in the universe, not world!

S: Jafar was an idiot in the end. 1. He listened to his dick and not his brain, by trying to waste a wish to force Jasmine to love him. And 2. He let his huge ego get in the way in the end, despite already being the most powerful Disney villain at that point.

Me: S, what would you do if I ever mentioned that certain "sequel" to you?

S: ...

Me: S?

S: Start the song!

Me: OK...

_Oh Jafar, just like a star_

_Your plans fell to pieces._

_It's a shame you lost the game and died such a lame death._

_Well, at least you're not a bore,_

_And left people wanting more._

_Let's say goodbye to the snakelike Jafar!_

_So Jafar it seems you are dead and forgotten._

_Now old news, but you did choose,_

_To make that wish._

_You should have quit when you could,_

_It might have done you good,_

_You most probably wouldn't now be dead,_

_And trapped in Hell filled with eternal dread,_

_With no one saying that they'll be praying_

_For your eternal soul – HAHA!_

_Fuck you, villain Jafar! _

S: That was harder than I anticipated but now it's done, I'm very satisfied with the end result!

Me: You still haven't answered my question!

S: Yes, this was a good song indeed!

Me: S, answer my question! Bitch, now!

S: Thank God there was no sequel to this film! *Is flat out denying Aladdin: Return of Jafar's existence*

Me: What do you mean? He returned and Iago saved everyone by betraying him! I wrote it on the bloody gravestone!

S: Oh Hollie, poor delusional Hollie! You must have read that in FanFiction! Iago would never betray Jafar!

Me: *sings* _I'll set the record straight; you're simply out of date. You're only second rate!_

S: SHUT UP! That film was terrible! The animation was awful and Iago was out of character!

Me: Aha! So you do acknowledge that they made a sequel!

S: Yes... Sadly...

Me: MUHAHAHA!

S: But at least my other favourite films, like Hunchback and Pocahontas, didn't have sequels!

Me: *Sings* _Le Jour D'Amour! Your song is in the air! What magic will you make for us? What promise will you share? That golden bell, sweet La Fidele, will soon be ringing clear. The festival! The festival! Le Jour D'Amour is here! _

S: *Eyes grow red with the flames of Hellfire* NOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO IT! IT'S SO CRAP!

Me: Get used to it! We're doing the villains from the sequels as well! Sarousch is next, S!

S: Are you fucking kidding me? He's not a villain! He's a pussy! His main goal was to steal the bell for God's sake!

Me: All the more fun to insult and take the piss out of him!

S: HAH! He didn't have a song in the film! We can't do him!

Me: S, haven't we said we'll figure out something for those who didn't have their own song.

S: ... Fuck you. ಠ_ಠ

Me: Until next time, my little cabbage! ;)

S: I fucking hate you!

Me: Well, I fucking hate you too. ;)


	6. Sarousch

Me: MUHAHAHA! Two chapters in two days! How lucky for you readers!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Amy, cheers for the compliment! I do think I could take you on if you decided to kick my arse. Not that such a thing would happen. ;) Yeah, unfortunately I had the bad luck to actually watch Hunchback and Pocahontas 2! We're going to do Sarousch in this chapter and you'll see how much I hated that film!

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – We're glad you enjoyed Jafar's chapter! Hehe, when it comes to Return of Jafar, S and I liked it a little. I mean, Jafar was in it! And it had a decent plot! Of course, now we're older and wiser and we can see how bad it is!

S: **SideshowJazz1**- Hey, hey, there! We'd be happy to do Dr Facilier next! He's a great villain and his song was the best in the Princess and the Frog! He also has the honour of having one of the more gruesome deaths in Disney film history! We're going to have fun with him!

Me: Not as much fun as we're going to have with Sarousch, eh S?

S: Start the chapter. ಠ_ಠ

**Sarousch**

S: This villain _disgusts_ me!

Me: Villain? Are you actually calling him a villain, S? Last chapter you called him a pussy!

S: Which he is! But, unbelievably so, he was also the villain of the sequel that they released straight to video!

Me: *Is almost sick*

S: My thoughts exactly!

Me: Bet you liked Hunchback 2 at first, didn't you S?

S: Hell no! What kind of traitor do you take me for? The moment the fucking title screen came up and I saw how _bad_ the animation was, I hated it! It didn't help that I'd already watched its far more superior predecessor!

Me: Honestly, we're not exaggerating here! This film is so bad you have to watch it to believe it! There's a ton of _crap_ in this film that would enrage any Hunchback fan! For instance, the animation is awful.

S: The plot is just stupid and barely there while the songs are generic and forgettable.

Me: The characters are shells of their former selves. Which reminds me, Esmeralda and Phoebus's son is completely Caucasian! WTF?

S: I know! Realistically, he should be mixed race with dark hair. I'm part Iraqi and part Scottish! Am I Caucasian? NO! I have light olive skin and dark brunette hair!

Me: Disney always seems to base the child after the parent they're the same gender of! Look at Ariel from Little Mermaid 3! She's a carbon copy of her fucking mother!

S: What is it with Disney fathers and their daughters looking so much like their mothers? I know it's supposed to be sweet, but it really adds a disturbing context to the relationship, doesn't it?

Me: What the Hell kind of name is Zephyr for their son, anyway? In 15th Century Paris, no less?

S: Yeah, I know dumb.

Me: But not as dumb as the villain of the film.

S: Yes. You see, for all the crap in this film, there's one thing about it that takes all that crap and then crosses the line into what I like to call, 'This is a piece of shit'. That _thing_ is Sarousch!

Me: Let us begin ripping him apart with his gravestone!

S: _Da! _Let's have Sarousch become one with our other victims! ^J^ (If you get which anime I'm referencing, then a cookie for you!)

_Here Lies Sarousch_

_Born - We don't know, but we wish he hadn't been!_

_Died - 15th Century Paris - not fast enough as we're concerned_

_.The Worst Disney Villain Ever Made_

_.His Brains Were as Low as his Goals_

_.Victor Hugo would be turning in his Grave!_

_.How Disney got him past the radar, we will never know!_

Me: ARGH! WHAT IS IT WITH HIS FUCKING LIPS? HE LOOKS LIKE PIEDMON OFF DIGIMON!

S: How dare you bring Digimon into this! Piedmon was far more awesome than Sarousch!

Me: I know, it's terrible! But can't you SEE the resemblance? They even both LOOK like clowns!

S: Apart from the lips and camp way of speaking, I don't see any resemblance! Sarousch was fugly! Even with the mask on!

Me: I do find it hilarious how deluded he is, though. He pretends how attractive he is, but really he's just fat, balding and ugly!

S: I find it hilarious how much of an oxymoron Sarousch is! On one hand, he's portrayed as a stereotypical gay man, while on the other there are paedophilic undertones in his relationship with Madellaine!

Me: You forgot to mention how in love with himself he is! Remember when he was looking at his reflection in the mirror and said, "I could kiss me. But I might fall in love!"

S: *shudders* He takes his vanity to levels that even Gaston would be disgusted by. I seriously think if he knew a way, he'd clone himself and marry it!

Me: That would be a sight to haunt my nightmares...

S: He's weak as well! Even Ratcliffe and Frollo, one a fat arse and the other decrepit, were willing to physically fight when they had to! Sarousch is so weak I bet _I_ could take him!

Me: Yeah, S, an ant could take down Sarousch!

S: I think the thing that pisses me off about Sarousch the most is that as well as being vain, he's also really, really lazy! He did _nothing_ for himself in the film!

Me: Why do anything when he could make his little bonbon, cabbage, trinket, éclair or whatever food he could think of at that moment, do the work for him?

S: That's another thing that bugs me about this cheapquel! How can you go from the abusive relationship between Frollo and Quasimodo, with themes like loneliness, discrimination and religion in the first film, to the crap we got in the second? There were so many things they could have done with the sequel, dammit!

Me: OK! I get it, S! Jesus...

S: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's just... That bloody film... HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DID WE NEED TO HEAR ABOUT INNER BEAUTY? It's not like I hadn't heard _that_ enough times in the film!

Me: Alright, already! Thank God I never finished watching it!

S: You know, looking back at Hunchback 2, a thought has suddenly occurred to me. Maybe we misjudged Frollo! Maybe he knew this would happen if he did nothing and he was really just a tragic hero trying to stop this sugary crap we call a sequel. Honestly, if this was what was been oppressed while he was Judge, then he must have been doing _something_ right!

Me: What a thought! But you could be right. For once...

S: What do you mean by that?

Me: Nothing at all... MUAHAHAHAHA

S: One of these days my fantasy about your bloody, terrible demise at my hands will come true. ʘ‿ʘ

Me: Sure, sure. Just get on with the poem!

S: ... Fuck you.

_**Ode to that Shithead Sarousch**_

_It was with great curiosity that I sat down to watch, _

_A sequel called __The Hunchback of Notre Dame II. _

_Afterwards __I found myself reaching for the scotch,_

_Because I couldn't believe the shit I'd just got through. _

"_I wasted my money on this?" I cried, _

_Before chucking it down the bin in disgust. _

_I swear that day a part of my soul withered and died, _

_As I watched an abomination most foul and unjust!_

_Madellaine is as dull as they come,_

_While Sarousch is, quite frankly, a freak. _

_And all the original characters it seems have become, _

_Shells of themselves: boring, dumb and weak. _

_Why is Esmeralda so lifeless and plain?_

_And her son and Clopin so white? _

_Whatever happened to Quasimodo's brain?_

_And why does Phoebus think his __prejudice is alright? _

_But I cannot forget who angered me most, _

_When I watched this piece of crap. _

_It was the villain, Sarousch, who I shall now toast, _

_As I cheer and mock his death with a clap. _

_He was so pathetic, vain__ and sick!_

_Frollo would have totally kicked his shit. _

_A boot to his face would have done the trick__, _

_And now that he's dead, on his grave I will happily spit. _

"_Ooooh, lovely" he kept on saying _

_Whenever something went his way._

_I spent the entire movie praying,_

_That he never lived to see another day. _

_And while,__ in the film, he was just arrested in the end, _

_I like to think __in prison he watched his looks age and fade. _

_With no one to comfort him and without a single friend, _

_He'd be forced to live, locked up, with the price that he paid. _

_And then, when he was right at deaths door, _

_I fantasise he saw the pits of Hell open beneath him. _

_He deserves it purely for been an abuser and a bore,_

_And I hope he enjoys the other Disney villains ripping him limb from limb._

_It's best we pretend that this never was, for ignorance is bliss._

_Victor Hugo would turn in his grave, if he knew that they've_

_Credited his name to something as bad as THIS._

_To Whom It May Concern, you idiotic douche._

_Fuck you for making this movie, and the villain, Sarousch!_

Me: Fucking Sarousch! LOUSY VILLIAN! FUCKING MORON! LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIIIIIIIIM!

S: I must stress this isn't like the others! We _liked_ the other villains! They were entertaining! This is hate! We _hate_ Sarousch and the film he came from!

Me: I think everyone got that long ago, S!

S: Why must you put me down at every opportunity?

Me: Cause that's what we agreed!

S: Fuck you bitch! I, from this day forth, swear that by the end of this fic, _I _will be the victor!

Me: U-huh. Whatever!

S: Laugh all you want, bitch! But my time will come, and it will be _GOOD!_ಥ‿ಥ

Me: Dr Facilier is next! Until next time folks!


	7. Dr Facilier

Me: So yes, after a very long time, we're back. Well...I am. I have a confession – I've finally killed S!

S: No, you haven't! I'm sitting right next to you eating a muffin!

Me: Drat! Drat! And DOUBLE DRAT! I did come close though – I told y'all I hated her!

S: I'm still plotting my revenge though!

Me: S, we're seven chapters in and you still haven't got this so called revenge.

S:...FUCK YOU!

Me: Sigh. **AngelOfDarkness1959**, that one was fast, but we apologise for this one not being so fast. Unforeseen circumstances saw to that – in both of our lives

S: **DarkDancer07**, yes Sarousch really was that bad! And hey, don't feel any sympathy for Hollie! That bitch didn't even watch the whole thing like I did! I'm the one who suffered here!

Me: Yeah it killed half her brain cells! Not that she had many to begin with... *RUNS*

S: YOU BETTER RUN! *coughs* **SideshowJazz1**, thank you for the review! It seems Hunchback 2 is rather infamous when it comes to shitty Disney sequels, eh?

Me: **Aslansphoenix**, ahaha! New blood! *regains composure.* Thanks for your review – we love the idea of being crazy! In fact, we should write a book on the joys of being completely insane! Shouldn't we S?

S: It'd probably be a best seller! How to be crazy in a productive way to society! **Writer-in-the-making16****, **oh dear we hope you don't laugh yourself to death because we've got another funny chapter here! I love Facilier and yes his voice was amazing! I'd dare say he was what made the film so good! Doesn't mean we're not going to take the utter piss out of him! *Grins evilly*

Me MUAHAHAHAHA! **Strawberry jelly** – red for more new blood! Why thank you very much for your flattering comments! S is laughing while lying in her coffin with her arms crossed! I, in the meantime am hanging upside down on a pole.

S: I better be like one of those vampires from Salem's Lot or Let the Right One In! (¬_¬)

Me: Don't worry, S! Not even I hate you enough to make you a Meyerpire!

S: **SilverWolf1499**, we're glad to have a new reviewer and even gladder to see that you enjoyed are chapter and are looking forward to the next one! Yes Facilier is awesome but he also had one of the most messed up Disney deaths I've ever seen!

**Dr Facilier**

S: This villain was great and reminded me of the old Disney villains during the 'golden age', like Ursula, Scar and Jafar. He was evil and willing to do despicable things for selfish, desperate reasons, but he had this likeability factor about him. Still deserved that was coming to him in the end!

Me: And what might that be, S? I never saw the film.

S: Just like Rasputin from Anastasia (Which ISN'T a Disney film!); his talisman that allows him to control his 'friends on the other side' is broken. Having had enough of his failings, they promptly grab his animated shadow and himself, and devour them, taking them to the spirit world while his grave with his screaming face carved on it is left behind.

Me: Jesus...

S: Thing is, he wasn't nearly as much as a dick as some Disney villains are! He actually tries to reason with Tiana, although whether he would have kept his bargain with her is another thing...

Me: Should we get started on the gravestone?

S: Yes!

_Here Lies Dr. Facilier_

_Born – How the Hell are we supposed to know? They never reveal their birthday! We'll say sometime in the 1800s!_

_Died – 1926_

_. This is what happens when you sell your soul to demons!_

_. He had one Hell of a good song!_

_. He wasn't ready!_

_. He should have taken down Tiana when he had the chance._

S: Why do they ALWAYS brag when they have the hero in their grasp?

Me: Just a villain trait, S. Look at Voldemort!

S: I want to see one villain who, instead of talking so much about how great they are, just kills the hero and be done with it! Just shoot or stab them right there!

Me: S, don't you think that's a little graphic for a Disney film?

S: And being eating alive by hyenas isn't? Being dragged into the demon world through a voodoo mouth isn't?

Me: Ah! But that gives a good moral to kids! Don't mess with the dark arts and you won't be dragged to Hell!

S: Then how do you explain, 'Drag me to Hell'?

Me: Quite easily, a bitter old bitch with a chip on her shoulder!

S: ಠ_ಠ ...And that's excuses everything that happens in the film? The 'good person' goes to Hell in the end, and it's simply excused because it was a bitter, old, bitch who was responsible?

Me: Oh shut the Hell up, S! You know I'm right!

S: Whatever! I'm going to do the song!

_Go ahead and disrespect him now!_

_Feel free to insult and scorn!_

_He's not in this world,_

_But in hell._

_And he's wishing he'd never been born!_

_And he's wishing he'd never been born!_

_Stand now, before his grave._

_Do not shed a tear._

_It's his own goddamn fault that he's now in, the place that all of us fear._

_He should have foreseen it._

_It might have saved his life._

_Just like Rasputin, he was a fool._

_Selling his soul caused such strife._

_What could he do?_

_Nothing to do!_

_He now deserves all the scorn._

_And he's wishing he'd never been born!_

_And he's wishing he'd never been born!_

_Oh God, oh God, the fires burn._

_His body, and his soul, for freedom he does yearn._

_Oh God, oh God, forgive me!_

_I know it's wrong, but reading this, I'm filled with glee!_

S: I... I... I feel so ashamed of myself!

Me: Aww, don't cry S !

S: It's not as good as the rest! It was so hard to do Facilier's song and it's too long to get to the best bit at the end!

Me: There, there, S! You have Lady Tremaine to look forward to next! You get to write another poem!

S: YAY! :D

Me: Until next time folks! If we have time, we'll do it tomorrow!


	8. Lady Tremaine

Me: I fucking hate that game!

S: What game?

Me: What game do you think, bitch? Harry Fucking Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on PS1! THE GAME YOU BOUGHT ME!

S: Hey, hey! While I'm happy that I've reduced you to such anger, I have to say: It really wasn't my intention to buy such a crappy game!

Me: Bitch, you were the one who wanted to play it! And I sat there playing most of it!

S: Here's the thing... I loved the Philosopher's Stone on PS1 and I thought Chamber of Secrets would be just as good. Turns out it wasn't...

Me: NO SHIT, S!

S: I'm sorry?

Me: I HATE YOU! When you fall asleep tonight, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

S: O_o... FLIPENDO!

Me: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

S: XD!

Me: On a lighter note, S finally managed to see Harry Potter 7, Part 2. (It was the second time for me!)

S: I cried, and I am NOT ashamed to admit that! It had its flaws, but dear God, at the end when Hedwig's theme plays and adult Harry and co see off their kids... *Gets sentimental*

Me: Hug me, S! Let's wave goodbye to Harry Potter and our childhood!

S: It's hard to imagine that we were just children when we first got the books and were waiting in line to see the first film!

Me: Let's *sobs* move onto *sniff* more cheerful matters... SADISM! MUHAHAHA!

S: First of all, **DarkDancer07**, thanks for the review! But, as you well know, Hollie and I have a love, hate relationship much like yours and hers! Only ours is 90% hate and 10% love! ;) So, be prepared for loads more arguments!

Me: And, by the way Amy-Lou, have you even seen Drag me to Hell...? Didn't think so! By the way, we didn't even mention sparkling... vampires... :P

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959**, if you think that's a freaky film, then try watching The Watcher in the Woods! Bette Davis scares the crap out of me! It's her eyes...

Me: **SideshowJazz1**, yes we will, and you shall find that out... Thanks for the review!

**Lady Tremaine**

S: My God, what a smug face she has!

Me: Much like C.J from the Eggheads! God, I want to punch him!

S: I get that feeling watching Lady Tremaine! Considering her power comes from her mental and verbal abuse, that's something!

Me: Indeed! Personally, I think it's the worst way of hurting someone than using magic like Maleficent or Jafar did!

S: Yes, it's what made her and Frollo so effective! There're people like Frollo and her which you can come across in real life!

Me: Speaking of Frollo, these two would make the perfect couple!

S: They would have! If not for Mother Gothel from Tangled coming along. But we'll get to her in the future, don't you worry!

Me: Let's get started, shall we?

_Here Lies Lady Tremaine_

_Born – Early 1900's (Again, no birth date! What's up with that, Disney?)_

_Died – 1950's or probably after... Maybe she died faster because she was actually made to work in Cinderella 3!_

_. She had a sneer that could rival Frollo's!_

_. I wonder what happened to her first husband..._

_. Even her own daughter turned against her!_

_. Someone actually had SEX with her?_

_. Wait! Someone actually MARRIED her? Twice?_

_. Wait, I can do better! Someone actually FELL IN LOVE with her?_

_. How did she keep such a trim figure? SHE DID NOTHING!_

_. What a motherfucking bitch!_

Me: Jesus Christ, S, we really laid into her!

S: She deserves it! Besides, I want to make up for the Dr. Facilier chapter! It wasn't my best...

Me: Well, it was hard S. Nobody blames you!

S: I have to say it, looking at Lady Tremaine's face makes me feel violent!

Me: But you're a pacifist!

S: She has a really punchable face!

Me: I know! Just like C.J!

S: What is it with you and the Eggheads guy?

Me: I hate him! Smug, slimy, skinny little git!

S: Let's get onto my poem, OK? It'll distract you!

Me: It better!

**Ode to Lady Tremaine, Oh how I Hate Her**

_Lady Tremaine! Lady Tremaine!_

_Oh, how I wanted to punch that bitch in the face!_

_She was such a pain! A really big pain!_

_She represented the worst of the human race!_

_Lady Tremaine! Lady Tremaine!_

_Oh, how I hated the sneer that she wore!_

_It's time to complain! I must now complain!_

_I would have slapped her smug self to the floor!_

_If I was Cinderella, I wouldn't have taken such abuse!_

_No way, lady! Screw that! Fuck that shit!_

_Here's instead what I would do, and the violent things I would gladly use,_

_As I got back at her, bit by bit._

_Well now, first of all, maybe right in the morning,_

_when she's having her tea._

_I'd shove her spoon down her throat, there'd be no warning,_

_she'd have no time to flee!_

_Or I could do something to her mean eyes,_

_Her glare always chilled me to the bone!_

_I'd take a fork and gouge while she cries,_

_next time she'll think to use a more polite tone!_

_Am I being too cruel in thinking such a thing,_

_about a nasty, greedy, old witch?_

_Is it wrong to imagine the pain that I could bring,_

_to Lady Tremaine, a total bitch!_

_I suppose it's not so bad to wait,_

_for patience is a virtue after all!_

_For Hell is her soul's ultimate fate,_

_and death is something she can only stall!_

_Have fun being burned by the eternal flames,_

_you cruel, horrid, hardfaced cow!_

_No more lies and certainly no more games!_

_There's no escape for you now._

_So, from Hollie and I, we happily say farewell!_

_And give you a giant, "Fuck you" as you scream and writhe in Hell!_

Me: I am calm now. Thanks, S!

S: No problem! Man, I really tore her a new one!

Me: There you go! At Amy's request, that was Lady Tremaine!

S: And now a choice for you readers! Scar or Ursula?

Me: We don't mind! We'll mock their deaths either way!

S: Get voting and we hope you enjoy the chapter!

Me: Regardless of who it is...

S: I'm just waiting for Maleficent!

Me: She's going to be SO much fun! MUHAHAHA!


	9. Scar

S: I'm afraid we have to start on a rather serious note this time!

Me: Too right! Unless you've been in a deep sleep for the past four days, you would have heard the news of the England riots! Can I say, for the record, it might look all amusing from the outside, but it's not so funny when it happens on your doorstep, like the first one for me!

S: And it's certainly not so amusing for me to find out my area and my friend's is been targeted by these fucking selfish buggers! I had to spend all day contacting my family and friends and warning them to stay safe! Thank God the damage where I live was minimal, but sadly the same cannot be said for the town next to me. It made me so angry to see the pictures of the place trashed, since that place was practically a second home to me!

Me: Hell, if I were one of the police, I'd be throwing every damn thing those buggers threw at me straight back and with twice the force! See what happens when the world goes all PC? (Politically correct). Police, the LAW ENCFORCERS might I add can't stop them because it violates human rights? I'm sorry, have I missed something? Are they or are they not breaking the law by stealing, looting, setting buildings alight and vandalising?

S: Four people have already died, three of them from trying to defend their home! It's sickening that these chavs and morons are using a shooting and unemployment as an excuse to do this! They're not fighting against poverty or a system, it's all about them getting freebies and thinking they're 'hard' and 'cool." But they're not! They're a disgrace!

Me: Well said, S! And just in case they haven't noticed England has come out of a fucking recession! Plenty of people don't have jobs! Do you see _them_ looting and rioting? NO!

S: Exactly! We're trying to get jobs; you don't see us resorting to this, or using all the 'gangsta' grammar or wearing trousers around our knees or that kind of shit! They don't want jobs; it's just an excuse to cause trouble! Fucking wastes of space! That been said, all I can say is that I hope these God awful riots stop soon and the people of England can finally walk the streets without worrying that a bunch of hooded thugs will be coming to wreck their home. Hollie and I send our sympathies to all the other victims of the riots and ask everyone to stay safe and united like the Turks in East London and community in Southall, West London. (Hi to my best friend who lives there!)

Me: SIGH! But anyway, let's move on to our cheerful topic. With the majority vote, Scar wins! This is Scar! Here we go!

S: **SideshowJazz1** –Thanks for your review, your wish is granted!

Me: **DarkDancer97 – **Yes, yes we know, believe us...But we're afraid you were outvoted, and Ursula will come next! Thanks for your review!

S: **AngelofDarkness1959** – I felt very bad about the flop that was Dr. Facilier so I decided to make up for it by laying into Lady Tremaine! And let's face it; she deserves it, even though I don't hate her that much. I just want to punch her! Thanks for reviewing, your wish is granted!

Me: **Aslanphoenix** – That's what we like to hear! As Mr. Burns would say "Excellent!" Here's Scar for you, thanks for reviewing!

S: **Taylor Todd Riddle Sparrow** – We were laughing hard while writing it as well! Thanks so much for reviewing and we're glad you enjoyed it!

**Scar**

Me: This guy is SO gay!

S: I think he's the first gay villain Disney ever had! Well, at least in the closet!

Me: Ha! Until Sarousch you mean?

S: Shut...UP! I don't want to hear that guy's name again.

Me: OK...my little cabbage...

S: FUCK YOU!

Me: MUHAHAHAHA!

S: But seriously, don't believe me, then go watch 'Be Prepared' and in one scene he looks _really_ feminine! Sensaaaational indeed, Scar!

_Here lies Prince Taka (Scar)_

_Born – Who knows? Is there a timeline in the animal kingdom?_

_Died – When the Hyenas ate his sorry ass! Bet he tasted horrible!_

_.He should have read Hamlet!_

_.For a guy who wanted to be King so badly, he sure was crap one!_

_.He wasn't prepared!_

_.He had a WIFE? Really!_

Me: Scar shocks you, my little cabbage?"

S: STOP IT! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP IT! D':

Me: MUAHAHAHAHA! OK, Scar!

S: What can we say about Scar? Entertaining as hell that's for sure! He just screamed elegance and was very smart! Bit of a pansy though but at least he admitted it.

Me: Great voice! Though why was he the ONLY Lion with a British accent? Was he imported from London Zoo?

S: I wouldn't think so much about it. It's like Beauty and the Beast; why are the Feather duster Lumiere the only ones with a French accent even though it's set in fucking France?

Me: NOW who's thinking so much about it?

S...Oh fuck you! I'm going to write the song before I actually kill you!

_Scar shouldn't have been shocked he was beaten,_

_Because, as a King, he sure was crap._

_In the end, his Highness was eaten!_

_Too bad he was a nasty chap._

_You shouldn't have killed your own brother,_

_And hurting Simba was the worst._

_Evil and cunning like no other._

_But now your eternal soul is cursed!_

_So to Hell you now go to suffer._

_Go to Hell and rest in shat out pieces!_

_Don't bitch about the heat,_

_You'll be ground into meat._

_(You'll stay conscious throughout!)_

_Unable to even shout!_

_I know it's cruel to grin,_

_But he did go and sin,_

_And felt no remorse for what he did._

_To Scar, we now jeer over his yell:_

_Go to Hell!_

Me: One of the easiest, I reckon!

S: True! It's a relief since our previous ones have been quite hard!

Me: S, I think every chapter you're getting more violent in your parody songs/poems. I'm very proud of you!

S: What can I say, you've taught me well!

Me: I hope you're as vicious with Ursula, who's up next!

S: We hope you enjoyed the chapter and please review!

Me: If you don't, S will cry! She's very, very sensitive!

S: Ah, shut up! Besides, I thought it was that bad or no reviews would make Mickey Mouse cry?

Me: S, I have something to tell you. You ARE Mickey Mouse!

S: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: Later, everyone!


	10. Ursula

S: **DarkDancer07** – Yes, to Hell with the riots! MISTAKES? You know, Ames, we're not perfect! When I said only character with a British accent, I meant Lion! And you have to admit, his accent stood out amongst all the rest! As for the feather duster – yes, she might be another character with a French accent but it doesn't excuse only TWO characters having French accents in a film that's fucking SET IN France! But we're glad you enjoyed the chapter, thank you.

Me: **Aleera-mistressofallevil – **Thank you very much! Here is Ursula! We hope you enjoy it!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959 – **Thank you, your concern means a lot to us both. Trust me, both Hol and I have been infuriated at how the "justice system" has been handling these rioters! It's partly thanks to their soft-handed approach that the police are so limited when it comes to dealing with them. Things seem to have cooled down, but there's still worry about what might happen. Our Prime Minister, David Cameron, seems to be taking it very seriously, but I think it's more to do with the fact that he wants to go back to his holiday. Thanks for your review, here is Ursula!

Me: **Titanlvr4evr – **We shall certainly get to Mother Gothel eventually, and we'll have fun with that one! We hope you enjoy Ursula!

S: Ursula, Ursula...what could we say about Ursula?

Me:...

S: HEY! I'm talking to you!

Me:...

S: OI! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!

Me: _The care bears are here! Let's give them a cheer!_

S: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! That's an awful movie! It isn't even Disney!

Me: I know! That's your punishment for making me watch that fucking Nostalgia Critic review last night! Wait, not last night! At two o'clock this fucking morning! It was fine until they brought that bloody rapping dog into it!

S: Rapping dog...in an animated musical of the Titanic. Two things you should never see together. And we haven't even got to the OTHER Titanic animated movie. (We're not kidding; these actually DO exist!)

Me: Might we add they have happy endings? Namely a Cinderella happy-ever-after, Mexican mice and the first one rips Disney off BIG time!

S: And let's not forget the Octopus who saves the day in the second animated Titanic movie! I don't know which one was more offensive; the first one where the ship sinks, people die but the main characters have a happy ending, get married and forget about it all. Or the second one where the titanic sinking is a plot between a HUMAN villain and evil talking sharks, no less! Everyone comes back to life in the end!

Me: What kind of moron made those?

S: That's the equivalent of making a movie set in the holocaust of the Second World War where only instead of it being a horrible, tragic event where millions of people suffered, we get talking cats and dogs getting involved and at the end, all those who died are just brushed away so the main characters can be happy! Screw you Poles, Jews, and all the others persecuted! We only care about the main characters and happy endings!

Me: BULLSHIT!

S: Anyway...answer my question, bitch! What do you say about URSULA?

Me: Oh right! Fat, ugly sea witch who looks like a drag queen, dresses like a stripper, a voice that goes right through your head, spotty, sadistic, power hungry, manipulative, selfish, reminds me somewhat of Medusa...

S: We GET IT! She's a despicable human being! I never thought there was a day I had to shut YOU up!

Me: Did you just say HUMAN being?

S: Hey, for a moment in the film, she WAS a human being!

Me: I think you'll find her true form, though, was that of an OCTOPUS SEA WITCH!

S:...FUCK YOU!

_Here lies Ursula. (Vanessa)_

_Born... we don't know, but by the look of her, centuries ago!_

_Died...Very painfully! (Seriously, she gets impaled and electrocuted)_

_.Was it really worth it?_

_.You were always second best, deal with it!_

_.The whole time, you could turn into a beautiful woman and you never did?_

_.You're with your babies now!_

S: So... should we consider it cannon that she's actually King Trion's banished sister?

Me: Well it wouldn't be the first time that a royal tried to kill a relative out of jealousy and a desire for power. Evil Queen from Snow White, much?

S: Then there's Hades and, of course, poor, Hell bound Scar. Although, to be fair, I think Hades and Ursula must have some sympathy.

Me: Do they?

S: Yes! Look at King Triton and Zeus! King Triton is a bossy, controlling killjoy who has anger issues. Maybe if he'd raised Ariel right, instead of banning music or stifling his daughter's fun, she wouldn't have become so bored with life as a mermaid and put all her hopes on a human she just met! As for Zeus, well do I even need to explain this one? He jokes around all the time, is insensitive to the fact that his brother, Hades, is stuck in a crappy, dead end job for eternity while he lives the good life as the top dog. I won't even get into how he really is in Greek Mythology! Hades, of all the Greek Gods, is the only one who was a faithful husband and didn't abuse his power!

Me: Well yes, Disney has a tendency to make everything rather one sided. And, S, I doubt they could have paid attention to the myths in Hercules case. Wasn't Zeus a shameless, cheat who screwed any mortal woman that walked while Hera, his wife, was also his sister and a psychotic bunny boiler? Not exactly what you'd call ideal parents.

S: True. Of course I just find it hard to hate Hades. Ursula on the other hand... Well let's just say her _only_ redeeming trait was that she loved her two pet eels, Flotsam and Jetsam!

Me: True. Anyway, time for the song!

S: Right!

_It has to be said, she was a vile creature.  
_

_They all meant it when they called her a fat slag.  
_

_Humongous in body weight,  
_

_And filled with poisonous hate,  
_

_This evil cow looked like a man in drag._

_No shit!_

_But good news, she did die at the end of the film._

_She tried to kill Eric and was impaled.  
_

_And now, everyone, laugh and cheer,  
_

_for she's now filled with fear,_

_Her soul trapped in Hell, because she failed._

_Tough shit, bitch._

_What a disgusting tramp!_

_So cruel, so sly.  
_

_She wasted her entire life,_

_Just planning to get revenge,_

_And all for nothing?_

_Yes, bull's eye!_

_That, evil, disgusting tramp!_

_Have fun,_

_Down there!_

_And when she snaps and starts screaming,_

_Begging, "have mercy on me!"_

_I will just sneer,_

"_I don't care!"_

S: ARGH! That music from The Shining is creeping me the fuck out! Hollie, remind me why we're watching it in the afternoon?

Me: Because it's a fucking good film, that's why!

S: Oh yeah! Yeah! A psychotic Jack Nicholson trying to kill his family in an old and fucking creepy hotel is really GREAT!

Me: It is, isn't it? In fact, I remember you saying so yourself!

S: Look I like the film as much as you do! I like everything by Stephen King! But the music is creepy and you keep trying to scare me at random moments!

Me: HA HA HA HA! You should talk with Amy, she get the very same treatment!

S: You're an evil person and I HATE YOU!

Me: Aww, thanks my little bon-bon! I hate you too!

S: Quote Sarousch to me one more time and I will stab you in the face!

Me: OK, my little trinket. ;)

S:... Excuse me. I need to just get something.

Me: Well that's all for today folks! Next is either Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty or the Evil Queen from Snow White. Get voting!

S: Hey, Hollie! I have an axe here with your name on it! Heeeeeeere's S! :D


	11. Maleficent

S: **DarkDancer07** – Yes Amy, we know how dire they are. We've unfortunately seen one of them the whole way through! *Shudders.* Let's hope they _never_ do make one on the Holocaust! Hol is sitting right next to me laughing and I think she's planning to scare you well and truly to death next time! Be on your guard! Thanks for the review!

Me: **Aleera-mistressofallevil** - Yes, here you go, Maleficent! We can certainly tell you like her from your username! A lot is going on, but S and I much prefer to keep our minds busy. Thanks very much!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Interesting – that makes a lot of sense really. Well your wish is granted, we're doing Maleficent! We hope you enjoy it!

Me: **SideshowJazz1 – **Argh, I hated that review! The sickly-sweetness drove me mad! And you haven't seen Snow White? Tut, tut, it's quite a good film actually; I can see why it's such a masterpiece. Here's Maleficent! Thanks for reviewing!

S: **AddienaRoxUnlessYourFang** – We're glad you love the story, as well as our hate-filled banter. As far as we're concerned, Hell never gets crowded! And even if it does, they deserve to be squashed against flames for all eternity! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Me: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT STEALING MY LAUGH, BITCH?

S: You cut me deep, Hollie. You cut me real deep...

Me: Yeah, and proud of it too! Or maybe I shouldn't be on this _particular_ day? S?

S: Thanks. It means a lot to me. See, I've been having a bit of a hard time lately. My arrogant, pompous, hypocritical older brother sees fit to criticise and control my life lately. It seems that I can't even so much as _speak_ without being patronised or antagonised!

Me: It's OK, S; I'll go around and cave his head in! I'm sure we'll have lots of help from people too!

S: See, readers, we're not deliberately being bitchy; this is God's honest truth, as sworn on Maleficent's gravestone. He wrote a long article about me, which was basically a spite-filled rant, filled with lies. And, if that wasn't bad enough, he posted it onto his blog where _everyone_ could read it. Thank God it's gone now, but only because my Dad made him.

Me: Disgusting, absolutely disgusting! Writing this will cheer you up though, S!

S: Yes. OK we can tell mere hours after putting the last chapter up that Maleficent wins, so here she is!

Me: Ah yes, the badass bitch who turns into a dragon! Hell has there been a better female antagonist in Disney since her?

S: In my honest opinion: No. We've had some great ones; sure, like Ursula, but Maleficent set the bar so high it's hard for any female Disney villain to top her. The only one, who I can think of, as of recent, is Mother Gothel. But more on her later! This chapter is focusing purely on Maleficent!

Me: Even her name is badass! Sounds like malicious!

S: And that she certainly is! You have to be a special kind of evil to get so offended about been snubbed from a christening and then get revenge by placing a curse on a _baby_!

Me: Indeed.

S: Makes me wonder me wonder why King Stefan and Queen Leah didn't just swallow their pride and invite her. Sure she would have rubbed it in their faces and made a few bitchy comments, but chances are she would have taken it as a sign of respect and left it at that!

Me: I don't know; Merryweather might have offended her so badly that she'd place the curse regardless! Anyway, face it; if they HAD invited her, we wouldn't have had such a great villainess!

S: Anything with Maleficent would have been great, though! Let's be honest here, she _made_ Sleeping Beauty what it was! When you ask people why they liked the film, do you hear them say it was because of Princess Aurora or Prince Philip? I don't think so!

Me: Yeah, Aurora was only in eighteen minutes of the fucking film! It was about 75 minutes long! Most of the film was Maleficent, the three good fairies, and King Stefan and King Hubert acting like idiots!

S: I'm saying it right now, I wanted Maleficent to win. She just put more soul into the film than all of the other characters combined. That and she just wanted to win more. If nothing else, you've got to respect and admire her dedication and drive!

Me: For once, I agree with you.

_Here lies Maleficent (The Mistress of All Evil)_

_Born - When evil was created._

_Died – When the fairies cheated and enchanted Prince Phillips sword to stab her._

_. She would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling fairies!_

_. The film would have been shorter had she not spent 16 years having her henchmen do the work!_

_. This was just one party too many that she wasn't invited to._

_. She dominated the entire film and was screwed over at the end. Typical!_

_. ^That's the thanks you get for making the film a legend!_

_. Bloody fairies GOD-moding throughout the film..._

S: We all know who the REAL winner of the film was, and it wasn't the annoying fairies, or the angsty princess who has all the personality of a mop –

Me: Hey, don't insult the mop! It could clean by itself! SHE had to have them put a fucking crown on her head for her!

S: And then she started crying immediately after. BOO HOO! I've been told I can't see the man I'd met a mere few hours ago for the first time and sang with for three fucking minutes! Dumbass.

Me: If she'd waited and not broken down like a baby, she would have known that she was betroved to the fucking man!

S: Let's vent our fury into a poem. I kinda feel bad to do this to Maleficent. She was the best!

**Ode to Maleficent, the Mistress of All Evil! **

_It has to be said, when watching this film, _

_That I truly wanted Maleficent to win! _

_Prince Philip was bland and Princess Aurora even worse! _

_Where, oh where do we even begin? _

_Still, insult Maleficent we must!_

_Or we wouldn't be doing our duty._

_So now sit and listen to us rant, _

_About the villain of Sleeping Beauty! _

_First of all, she couldn't have been that smart, _

_If 16 years passed before she decided to act. _

_If I had henchmen and they were that stupid, _

_I would have had all their skulls and bones cracked! _

_Diablo, her raven, was far more help to her. _

_It's a shame Merryweather had to turn him into stone. _

_The fact that Maleficent didn't think to use her magic to turn him back, _

_Really annoyed the shit out of me and made me moan. _

_And, while we're at it, just how powerful was she? _

_Didn't she have all the powers of Hell on her side? _

_Clearly the force of evil does shit all against fairies, _

_Because at the end of the film she still died! _

_And, you might be surprised to hear this, _

_But Maleficent's soul does not reside in Hell._

_She'd be too happy down there, chilling with Chernabog,_

_So Heaven is the place where she'll forever dwell. _

_Surrounded for all eternity by joy, rainbows and sparkles, _

_It must be torture for her to be near all that constant love. _

_Stripped of her powers and her badass costume too, _

_Trapped to watch all of those she failed to get rid of. _

_She should have gone after the three good fairies instead, _

_Those pests were the ones who caused her all the trouble!_

_Maybe if she'd focused on killing them rather than Prince Philip, _

_It wouldn't be her remains amongst the rubble! _

_Don't get Hollie and I wrong, _

_We DO like Maleficent and wish her plan had gone without a hitch. _

_But truth is, and no one can really deny it, _

_She really was an evil, heartless bitch! _

Me: MUAHAHAHAHAHA, sending her to heaven was a nice touch! What's the weather like up there, Maleficent?

S: Cloudy and sunny probably! And angels sing all day long! Kinda makes you understand why she hated Mickey in House of Mouse. She finally gets a day off for good behaviour and has to have his goody-two-shoes face harassing her!

Me: GOOD! She deserves to be annoyed for all eternity. Ooohhh Chocolate Fondue...

S: Strawberries and grapes SMOTHERED in chocolate is just so wrong but nice! The only way it could get worse is if you got whipped cream involved! Thank God I'm not a big fan of it.

Me: Me neither, S! Hot chocolate put me off that and marshmallows for life! Damn you, Costa Coffee and your sickly sweet drinks!

S: So...the classic and first Disney Villain, Queen Grimhilde is next! What oh what could we write about her?

Me: A great deal, but let's save it for then, and go and watch a film! Until next time, all! Do svidaniya!

Me: Ciao, bitches! ;)


	12. The Wicked Queen

Me: Well this is Queen Grimhilde – **DarkDancer07** – NO, Amy, we did not make up any names for characters, they are their real names! Let's face it – Maleficent MADE that film and as far as we're concerned it, should have been called Maleficent. And by the way, I did not say there was anything wrong with Costa. I like Costa; I said I was put off marshmallows and cream because of their hot chocolate.

S: Thanks **AngelOfDarkness1959** for reviewing. That is indeed a fair point, but I suppose my dislike for Aurora is how she reacted to the news. She fell apart and it, quite frankly, reminds me too much of Bella Swan. How Bella reacted when Edward left is exactly why New Moon is my least favourite book out of the series.

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – We know, we've been watching it today in multiple languages and it's simply terrifying. The animation back then was pure genius. Why, oh why, did it have to change? Sob...sniff...

S: **Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff** – Cheers for the review, we are always happy to have new readers. Ha-ha, don't worry; Prince John is definitely on our hit-list!

Me: Thanks to all of you who reviewed! We love to know our twisted, crude and morbid sense of humour is loved by you all!

**The Wicked Queen **

S: Even though this bitch failed at _everything_ she did in this movie, it has to be said, she has a very impressive presence about her.

Me: You're telling me! That transformation scene used to give me nightmares!

S: I found it more disturbing that she requested the Huntsman bring Snow White's heart to her! In some versions of the story, she eats the heart!

Me: Erguh! A cannibal villain; can you imagine the questions kids would ask?

S: Hey, there is something good to come out of this. Unlike other 'literature' that followed...coughTwilightcough...this film shows that looks don't matter. Remember kids, beauty does not always equal good!

Me: Ha! Good messages! If only _that_ could have been the same! But of course, nobody is allowed to be ugly in that shallow piece of shit that passed for a 'saga.'

S: Amen. The fact that vampirism was glorified over humanity pisses me off. I think Alucard, Seras and Integra from the Hellsing Organization needs to pay those sparkling abominations a visit!

Me: Let's do the gravestone.

_Here lies The Wicked Queen (Queen Grimhilde)_

_Born - ? (See below)_

_Died - ? (In fairy tales, there is no timeline!)_

_. You were the second most beautiful woman and the world and still weren't satisfied!_

_. And you didn't just kill Snow White with dark magic because...?_

_. Wanted to stay a beautiful Queen but instead died old, ugly and food for the vultures. Irony! _

_. God, what an evil cackle!_

_. You know, if you'd never made yourself old to begin with, you'd probably have escaped at the end instead of falling to your death... _

_. Died with crushed bones...more sweet irony!_

Me: Quickest gravestone we've done, I reckon.

S: Yeah. It may not seem like it, people, but we spend a lot of time, sitting here and thinking about what to write.

Me: Yeah...S thinks so hard that she has to nap to repair brain cells...

S: FUCK YOU! I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. I BOUGHT YOU CHICAGO!

Me: *Makes Grudge noise.*

S: I fucking HATE YOU!

Me: *Blows raspberry*

S: Screw you, I'm starting the poem!

**Ode to Queen Grimhilde: Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!**

_Not only was she beautiful but also a Queen._

_But behind her face lay a soul: poison and mean. _

_It seems she couldn't stand being second best. _

_And so she started on a fatal (and quite frankly sad) quest. _

_Snow White, you see, was the fairest in the land. _

_The Magic Mirror told her so, so she had it planned, _

_To have her stepdaughter killed, while in the wood,_

_By her "faithful" huntsmen so she could be number one for good._

_The cow should have been happy that the "fairest" was someone she knew! _

_Think of the all the trouble she would have gone through, _

_If the girl had been in Egypt, America, or far away!_

_She'd have more luck looking for a needle in a stack of hay._

_And what was up with her wanting Snow White's heart? _

_What she should have done and would've been smart,_

_Was if she'd ordered the huntsmen to collect Snow White's head._

_Then she would've really known the teenage ditz was dead! _

_And then, with Snow White in a coma and her plan fulfilled, _

_This dumbass, idiot goes and gets herself killed! _

_She made herself old and fell from a cliff, becoming vulture food!_

_That's why she's in Hell now, damned and screwed! _

_Oh Wicked Queen, you poor, vain, silly, bitch! _

_Your mutilated corpse now lies broken in a ditch, _

_Because you were too proud to let go._

_But, before I leave, I think there's something you should know!_

_Had you not been too blind and enraged,_

_You would have realised that beauty withers with age. _

_I doubt there was botox or plastic surgery in your time, _

_And all your spells could never keep you at your prime. _

_You wasted your life all for your vanity. _

_And now you're trapped with no mercy or humanity. _

_Only with mirrors to see how ugly you are inside, _

_And no corners to run to and hide. _

_As Hollie and I watch your sanity worsen, _

_We think to ourselves, 'It couldn't have happened to a nicer person!'_

Me: Oh dear, don't you become bitchier and bitchier with each poem you write?

S: Ha! Coming from you?

Me: Me! Me! The Mistress of All Bitchiness! At least I admit it!

S: Hey, I never denied that I was a bitch. I'm just to those who deserve it! Which is rare because I try to be nice to everyone I meet and avoid confrontation! You're an exception though...

Me: O...o. You sadden me, S. I'll prove I'm not mean. *Sings* _"__Through all the thin and thick, closer than frack and frick, we two will do the trick, I'd stick with you."_

S: MOTHERFUCKER! D:

Me: o:-)

S: I swear to God, the next time you quote ANYTHING from Hunchback 2, I'll kill you right on the spot. I will literally choke you with my bare hands! God, this film brings out the very worst in me! D:

Me: S, what would you do if I carved it into your gravestone along with Sarouch's face?

S: I'd most likely go completely insane, with my soul going on a rage filled rampage. :|

Me: I look forward to seeing that! So, all, the next two choices are...drum roll please...

S: *Takes out drum* It's... Ratcliffe from Pocahontas or Edgar from the Aristocrats!

Me: Sooooooo, get voting now!

S: Ja mata ne!

Me: Adjö!


	13. Ratcliffe

Me: Hello!

S: Hello, Hello!

Me: Splashy, splashy! Eat my splash dust, loooooser!

S: You were too fast for me in the swimming pool!

Me: If it's any consolation, S, I was swimming as fast as I could away from those annoying brats, not from you!

S: I still think we should have got the lifeguard to tell them to fuck off!

Me: Well, they were told to in the end, weren't they? Practically frogmarched out of the pool! Anyway, hello everyone! How lovely to see you all on this autumn evening!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Thanks for the review, and we are doing Ratcliffe as he won by a landslide! Oh, yes, Dracula! *Bares teeth!*

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – Your wish is granted, here is Ratcliffe! We hope you enjoy it!

S: **Lexi Blaze** – Thank you so much for such an amazing review! That really put a smile on our faces! Oh, you stole Hol's evil laugh...she's not going to like that! Why thank you, we also thought it perfect for us! We're even sadistic in our sleep! And of course enjoying sadism is fun! Please feel free to join in with any comments! If we weren't supposed to enjoy it, there wouldn't be the German word, _Schadenfraude_! We will happily oblige that request! Nice to see a fellow Twilight Hater! Join us in a toast, won't you!

Me: Muahahahahahahaha! New blood! You left such a great review that I don't mind you stealing my evil laugh! Those are our favourites too, though we still get the giggles thinking about Gaston's chapter! Believe us; we really, really hate those poor excuses for sequels too! Thanks for those comments about the monstrosities, they made us laugh! Here is Ratcliffe and we shall certainly be doing all of those and more! Thanks so much!

S: **Aleera-mistressofallevil** – Yes, that is true, though she was pretty nasty at times! We shall indeed keep it up!

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Oh put a sock in it about the hot chocolate already, Amy! And yes, we know, we read that too. Yuck indeed! Thanks for your compliments and here is Ratcliffe!

S: Thank you all!

**Ratcliffe**

Me: How did this guy manage to keep his fucking balance?

S: He has the most out of proportion body I've ever seen on a Disney Villain! At least Frollo, Ursula and Maleficent were well proportioned!

Me: Indeed! And what was with his HAIR? He's the only male Disney villain I can think of who wears his hair in pigtails!

S: Pretty pathetic. Especially considering he's a guy!

Me: But then again, the film IS set in the 15th century!

S: There are some styles that are still awful, regardless of what century they were introduced! Ratcliffe's is one of them!

Me: Let's do the Gravestone!

_Here lies Governor John Ratcliffe_

_Born – Erm... In the fourteenth century sometime, we reckon._

_Died – December 1609 – (This is his REAL death date! So take THAT and stick it up your sequel ass, Disney!)_

_. For someone who hated savages so much, he certainly did a good impression of one!_

_. He may be a crap villain, but at least he's in the prestigious group which returned for the sequel!_

_. If he wanted gold so much, he should have searched for it himself! _

_. Scrap that, he could have tried and asked nicely. People like manners!_

_. Considering how fat he was, I'm surprised he actually thought he could survive in a war!_

_. You certainly had two stupid sidekicks, didn't you! Both abandoned you in the end!_

S: You know, this has to be one of the only Disney movies where the heroine and the villain don't interact with one another. Well, until the sequel...

Me: Which doesn't count unless we slag it off! Are we going to slag it off, S?

S: That depends, Hols. Do you want to acknowledge John Rolf and Pocahontas as a couple?

Me: Well, as they were actually married in real life, I don't think it's fair to slag them off. Sorry people, but John Smith was in his forties and Pocahontas was twelve years old! It was never going to happen, people.

S: Well, if you're going to say _that_, then I think we should give a kind word to poor Hades and Ratcliffe who are made out to be bastards in the Disney versions! At least Frollo went mad in both the book as well as the Disney version! Hades, in the Greek Myths, is the fair, hardworking ruler of the Underworld and a faithful husband too (which is more than can be said for Zeus!), while Ratcliffe seemed like an OK guy who got a rather undeserving, gruesome death.

Me: Indeed. I was nearly sick reading the details. And considering I'm practically made of asbestos, that's saying something.

S: It was Saw material, right there! Jigsaw would have a field day with that kind of shit!

Me: Hey, S!

S: What?

Me: I want to play a game... If you don't escape from this room within five seconds, the door will slam shut and this room will be your tomb! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

S: O_o I had a good life...

Me: MUAHAHAHAHA!

S: You know, listening to Ratcliffe's song _"Mine, mine, mine!"_ I can't help but feel that his actions stemmed from desperation. This was his last chance for any sort of glory at all. Furthermore, his gloating in his song seems to be the sort that comes from someone who's been bullied and finally has some power and respect. It's almost like a little kid going, "Haw! Haw!" to their former bully. We all say Frollo was a very detailed, real villain, but I say that Ratcliffe is in that group as well.

Me: Indeed. S, you've just said something smart for once!

S: Fuck you!

Me: Let's start the song!

_Is it such a shock he failed in the ending?_

_The fat bastard was jinxed right from the start!_

_His racist views sucked dick!_

_His actions made me sick!_

_He wasn't even all that smart!_

_Now he's in Hell! He's in Hell!_

_Burning as we sing this!_

_He's in Hell! He's in Hell!_

_Curse his soul away!_

_If he had used his brain,_

_Things might have turned out better._

_Now it's too late for him to pray._

_Yes he's in Hell! He's in Hell!_

_That poor, weeping shithead!_

_Damned, despite how much he prays!_

S: Ah, that was fun!

Me: S, you're getting nastier and nastier with every song you write! I'm going to have the insane asylum on speed dial from now on!

S: Go ahead, but if I'm going you're coming with me!

Me: Over my dead body!

S: That can be arranged. How do you want to die?

Me: In the most gruesome way possible!

S: I don't know... Seems too much work... Can't I just stab you in your sleep?

Me: No! That's cheating! If you're going to kill someone as amazing as me, then at least put some effort into it, bitch!

S: Ah screw it! I'll kill you another time!

Me: Not before I kill you first! Like I told you, S, I want to play a game!

S: That's it, no more Saw for you!

Me: Hey, don't blame me! Blame Amy for giving me the box set!

S: Then Amy will join you in your gruesome demise as well! *Throws back head and cackles so evilly that even Jafar, R.I.P, would be proud!*

Me: *Rolls eyes* Keep trying but you'll never top my laugh. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

S: :(

Me: Next is Edgar!

S: And, I thought we should mention it: When we eventually come to our last chapter, we have a special surprise planned! :P

Me: MUAHAHAHA! So long!


	14. Edgar

Me: Hi there all, just a quick and serious (for once) note. S and I apologise for the delay in this and sadly there probably will be gaps in the updating. We've now started year three of University and the work has been piled on us by the dozen. We'll try our best to update as often as we can, so please be patient and we promise we'll get through all the villains as soon as we possibly can. OK. Serious stuff over!

S: Good, you sounded boring!**Angel****of****Love****and****Fluffy****Stuff**** – **Thank you very much for reviewing. We agree, Ratcliffe's body proportions are rather terrifying. The animators obviously don't think like that. Well, either that or they just don't have a picture of the real Ratcliffe. We shall certainly consider trying some of your suggestions.

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Believe me, we hate them too. It took all of our willpower not to drown them in the deep end of the pool. Read on and you shall find out what we did for Edgar. Thanks for reviewing!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – Thanks very much. It doesn't really bother us if the villains died in the film or not – here they die regardless, with thanks to our crazy sadistic nature!

Me: **DarkDancer07**– Aww, its OK Ames, if anyone at all kills you then it's going to be ME, so at least that way, you know it'll be quick. Or maybe, one day, you'll just FLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING and smack hard into a wall... Thanks very much for your comments, and yes it is rather a shame how he was portrayed. And as for a surprise – well that's why it's CALLED a surprise...cos you won't find out until the end!

S: **KaylaMicael** – Is this MORE new blood we smell? We like it! We'd see not mincing our words as failing in our duty to be as mean and morbid as we possibly can! And another Twishite hater! Even better! Thanks for reviewing!

Me: **Meg****Rider**– thank you very much. 'Twas good, even if we do say so ourselves.

**Edgar**

Me: Bitch...put that fucking manga book away NOW before I tear it, burn it and flush the ashes down the toilet!

S: YOU WOULDN'T DARE!

Me: I so would! Try me!

S: NOOO! Not my precious Higurashi series!

Me: Yes your precious fucking book! Either THAT or you can play the game my little bon-bon...trinket...cabbage...éclair...

S: I thought we agreed that you would never utter any lines from THAT man again!

Me: Well I had my fingers crossed! Maybe I'll change though...just like Iago did! Remember that?

S: If we were in a Disney film, you'd be a Disney Villain! And if the damn windows weren't shut, I'd have pushed you out!

Me: Well at least I'd be the villain! You on the other hand would be we Aurora! What's that green light, S? Auuuuurora...Auuuuurora...

S: *shudders* Fucking Maleficent! And I take offence to that! I'd at least be a villain sidekick!

Me: Hell, NO! Even worse, you'd be the traitor, Iago! Or the sultan! Or ever better, your ancestor, JAFAR!

S: Did you just say I'd be the MOTHERFUCKING SULTAN? Oh bitch, it's on now!

Me: Oh I'm SO scared! Really, S, you're even scarier than the Princess!

S: Hollie, watch your back when we're waiting for the train! That's all I've got to say!

Me: Pay attention to the lecture, you slacking bitch! And, by the way, you are going home all on your lonesome! So what are you planning to push, exactly? Thin air?

S:...I'll do it in the morning! I'll wait till we're on the DLR and SPLAT! Bye bye Hollie. And, for your information, I drank Red Bull just so I could stay awake in the lecture and seminar. Red Bull is disgusting!

Me: Well, staying awake is a first! You've still got marks on your head from where it hit the desk! There's me wondering why your head is so hollow! Your skull's all shattered! Bitch, why don't you wake up on your own for once? Or I'll set the Princess on you!

S: I'm tired from having to get up at 7am and kinda bored! 'Remember and write about your first shoes! 'Delightful!

Me: Oh, S, your sarcasm is about as good as Sarousch's goals. And it could be worse! Don't you remember Peter Barry and his stupid book? Anyway, shut the hell up and get on with the gravestone! You're boring the readers!

S: Grumble, grumble...

Me: FUCK YOU BITCH!

_Here lies Edgar Balthazar_

_Born – We reckon about 50 years before the start of the film_

_Died – Well, he was locked in a trunk on the way to Timbuktu with no food water or air...yeah..._

_.Typical, stereotypical butler...greedy, ugly, stupid..._

_.^ For once the butler hadn't 'dunnit!'_

_. So goddamn stupid..._

_.The worst villain since S!_

S: :O I am SO better than Edgar! I'm not THAT stupid!

Me: I beg to differ!

S: Please, my mind is superior to Mr. 'I don't know how long cats live' Edgar-the-butler.

Me: That's why I call you the S.O.S Thompson!

S: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Enough joking about my future penname! First I sound like a ship, and now like a warning signal!

Me: Well, why don't we make you sound sweet? You know, with something such as...éclair?

S: I'M...

Me: No? Well, how about bon-bon?

S: GOING...

Me: Not even that? Dear me. Well then, maybe Cabbage?

S: TO...

Me: Aren't we hard to please? How does Madellaine suit you?

S: KILL YOU!

Me: *Runs.*

S: *Breathes.* Before I actually kill her, I'll do the poem!

_As far as villains go, this man was quite the douche!_

_Just as useless and pathetic as the likes of Sarousch!_

_You see, because he sucked at multiplication and addition,_

_He had a stupid idea and went on an even stupider mission,_

_To get rid of his bosses pet cats._

_If he'd stopped to properly think things though,_

_He would have realised that the best thing to do,_

_Was to stick to the will and care for the cats in the end._

_He still would have gotten the fortune to spend,_

_Since felines have no use for cash!_

_It's a marvel the man managed to get as far as he did,_

_Considering how much effort it took him to get rid_

_Of a cat and three kittens who were asleep at the time!_

_Seriously, Edgar, you fail at villainy and crime!_

_Still, I wonder, after the animals beat him through and through,_

_And he was locked in that truck and sent to Timbuktu,_

_If he survived the journey or instead died from starvation..._

_Nah! Mostly likely it'd be suffocation or dehydration!_

_Edgar's soul no doubt resides in Hell, I'm sure,_

_Where he's forced for all eternity to endure,_

_Demon felines with blood soaked fur and jaws,_

_Scratching and tearing his body with their vicious claws,_

_Until he can't even scream for mercy!_

Me: Hmmm. Not a whole lot we could say about this dimwit, admittedly, but it was still fun!

S: It sure was and managed to keep me awake during the lecture!

Me: That's a first!

S: I have to get up at 7am in the morning! Cut me some slack, you bitch!

Me: I don't want to cut you slack, bitch; tormenting you is too much fun! Well, the choices for you lovely people next arrrrrrrrrrrre... Hades from Hercules or Percival McLeach from The Rescuers Down Under.

S: One of these days...you'll die!

Me: Really? I'll die? I thought I was the only human in the world who wouldn't!

S: I hate you!

Me: You've said so before and it still feels good! Addio!

S: Adios!


	15. Hades

Me: Hi there all! Right now, we're totally sane...almost...and, um, not at all scared of going to see Paranormal Activity 3 later, right S?

S:...

Me: S?

S: Well... knowing me, I'm sure to get freaked out at some point watching it... And the film is apparently worse than the trailer...

Me: S, you highly strung bitch! You're friends with ME and you're scared of a film? I am so OFFENDED!

S: Hey, you're real! I can kill you at anytime! But that THING in Paranormal Activity...you never see it!

Me: You can kill me anytime, but yet you never have? *Whisperes behind hand* Scaredy cat!

S: Don't tempt fate! At least not today!

Me: Yawn, yawn, yawn. Anyway...reviewers! **AngelOfDarkness1959**– Thank you again! Maybe so, but Edgar was an idiot to think cats would have any use whatsoever for money! We regret to say that Hades won the vote this time, but Percival McLeach will be right behind him!

S: **Angel****of****Love****and****Fluffy****Stuff** – Finally! Someone who actually appreciates our hate filled banter! I swear, our friend who shares our lectures thinks I'm the antichrist and thinks the bitch next to me is a sweet and innocent angel! Well, we're united in our hatred Twishite as well as other things, so that always puts us on good terms...for about five minutes! Apart from that, Hol is number one on my 'To Kill' list!

Me: WhatEVER! **SideshowJazz1** – your vote has won! Yippee! Hades is rather funny, isn't he? Thanks for your review!

S: **Drama****sapphire**– Thanks for your vote, but Hades won by a landslide. McLeach will be next.

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Hey, Ames, that's all you and I ever do anyway! Doesn't it make a nice change for you NOT to be the one on the receiving end? Well, Amy, your wish is my command! All you have to do is tell me how you want to die! While you decide, just know that we love you for your lovely comments. At least you can go to your grave with that knowledge!

S: **stamper55555** – Thanks for reviewing and we really do hope you'll keep on reading! Trust me, it gets funnier! You haven't seen anything until you get to Sarousch's chapter! That should be a good idea of how we become as the story goes on!

Me: Thanks everyone! Now...Hades...

**Hades**

S: You should all probably know this by now from the previous chapters, but I love this villain! If I was given the chance to meet one Disney villain, it'd be him!

Me: Really? What about Maleficent? Auuuuurora...

S: NO! She and her freaky voice can stay trapped in Heaven!

Me: Awww.

S: You've got to feel bad for Hades, and I've explained why many times in the previous chapters. In Greek Mythology he was one of the very few Gods who was fair and didn't abuse his power. Even in the Disney version, despite the fact that he resembles a sleazy car salesman, I couldn't help but at least emphasise with the guy for hating his brother. Trying to have baby Hercules killed though sucks!

Me: Well, yes though, unfortunately they're always made to look worse than they are. *cough*Ratcliffe*cough*

S: As far as Disney villains go, Hades is up there with the best. He has a silver tongue to talk most to his way of thinking, and he's also, due to his God status, the most powerful Disney villain, second only to Chernaborg! Beat that Maleficent!

Me: Yeah, but she was _pure__evil_! He was just a nasty person who wanted revenge on his brother.

S: Are you telling me he was the Greek version of Scar!

Me: Well Scar had no magic powers and was a lion, so not quite! Oh and Mufasa never tormented Scar like Zeus did to Hades.

S: That and Scar actually succeeded in killing his brother while Hades failed. Hear that Hades, a Lion beat you!

Me: Oh the shame! He must be turning read in his pit of souls! Anyway, gravestone!

_Here Swims Hades (Lord of the Dead)_

_Born - Who knows? He was eaten by Papa Chronos right afterwards!_

_Died - Being a God, he can't die. But he can be trapped in the Underworld's sea of souls indefinitely... :P_

_.__He __should __have __remembered,__ "__Better __to__ reign__ in__ Hell __than __to __serve__ in __Heaven__" __from__ John __Milton__'__s __Paradise __Lost._

_.__I __thought __the __hottest __flame __was __blue __instead __of __red? __What __the __Hell, __Hades!_

_.__He__ should __have __learnt __from__ Maleficent: __If __you__ want __something __done,__do __it __yourself!_

_.__Should __have __also __learnt __from__ Jafar: __Treat __your __minions __better!_

Me: S...have you run along to play with your toys? You know, like your friend, the Sultan?

S: *while bouncing on a trampoline* FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! (She's _really_ doing this - no lie!)

Me: Make me...when you get your breath back!

S: I never lost my breath to begin with!

Me: Just your sanity,then... oh well.

S: Okay, well, we're back! Not that we said we're going, but we're back now from seeing Paranormal Activity 3...

Me: Sob, sniff, scream!

S: WHY, WHY, WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?

Me: Sniff, sob! Come on, S, maybe some sadism can cheer us up! You get on with your lovely poem...

S: Because 'the Gospel Truth 2' is so short, I'm going to write a poem instead!

_**Ode to the Lord of the Underworld**_

_Poor Hades, oh how you must have been fuming,_

_As you were dragged to the bottomless depths of the River Styx._

_Would it be wrong for us to go and start presuming,_

_That you won't be escaping any time soon using schemes or tricks?_

_We bet being a God right now must seem like a curse._

_It sure must suck to be immortal and unable to die._

_The fact that you're lord of the dead must make your situation worse,_

_Because who do you go to for help when you're the top guy?_

_It's such a shame though, and we really do mean it!_

_We'd have turned bitter too if we'd be in your position._

_And even though your actions were less than nice, we have to admit,_

_We really wished your plans had to come to fruition._

_You were just too funny and entertaining to hate,_

_And your determination to succeed had to be admired!_

_That's why we were sad when your plan to go against fate_

_Failed and your luck and chances expired._

_We must wonder, will you ever escape the clutches of those souls?_

_And will Zeus and the other Gods punish you if you do?_

_Maybe it'd be for the best if you make no further goals,_

_Cause chances are that Zeus will probably demote you._

_Like Sisyphus and Tantalus, will you have to suffer for your crime,_

_And join the rest of the Disney villains in their Hell?_

_Will big brother Zeus hold a grudge against you for all time,_

_And will Pain and Panic betray and torment you as well?_

_I guess we'll have to wait and see, and since that might take eternity,_

_Take our advice; don't make the same mistakes twice,_

_And with any luck, you'll be able to get the fuck_

_out and become the powerful God you are once again!_

Me: Well, bitch, you took your time doing that!

S: Hey, I'll have you know that rhyming takes time and effort!

Me: You know...you could just NOT rhyme in your poems and spare some moments of your precious life AND mine!

S: You know what, FINE! Next chapter, I will not rhyme in the poem! *mutters* Ungrateful bitch!

Me: I heard that! Anyway, rhyme or not, it's all the same to me! Anyway, let's take this fight away from the chapter! Bye everyone!

S: Grrrrrr...

Me: Stroppy bitch...


	16. Percival McLeach

S: Hi all. We are really, really, sorry about the gap in updating! We had deadlines coming at us left, right, centre, diagonally, forwards, backwards: basically any way you can think of! But we're back and hopefully more frequently now its the holidays!

Me: Well, everyone. S and I have some rather surprising news for you all. Despite it being a night of tears, tantrums and fighting, we've decided to bury the hatchet and be the best of friends. Haven't we S?

S: Yes. This rivalry we've had has gotten rather ridiculous, so we've both decided to put our differences aside. From now on, it'll be rainbows, sparkles and joy!

Me: It is Disney after all! S, my lovely companion! Let's thank our even lovelier reviewers for their beautiful reviews!

S: *Eye twitches.* Yes...

Me: Something the matter, S?

S: Nope, not at all, best buddy! Let's start thanking! :D **Angel****of****Love****and****Fluffy****Stuff**– We've got to agree with you on all counts about Hades! Disney certainly know how to screw genuinely good guys (real or not) over, don't they? They real villain in Hercules should have been Hera, the mother, because in Greek Mythology, she was the living embodiment of a jealous bunny boiler!

Me: So would you be with Zeus for a husband! Though she still was spiteful! **AngelOfDarkness1959** – We've got to agree with you, too! I hate how they stereotype younger siblings as evil! I'm a younger sibling! I'm not evil! How DARE they stereotype me as so! And S is the middle child! You don't see HER being evil!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Well Amy, we've taken your holier-than-thou advice! We're now such great friends that we wouldn't even DREAM of being mean! Ever again! Yeah, I think the reason Hades is made out to be bad is because he's the Lord of the Underworld and nobody wants to be seen as 'glorifying' death, since it's one of the biggest fears humans have. He may not be the Greek personification of death but he's still associated with it!

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – I've not seen him either, but S says he's good, so I guess we're both in for a treat here! Well, we have quite a long list of villains left, but we must thank you for reminding us about Madam Mim – we nearly forgot about her! Yzma shall certainly be coming at you very soon!

S: Thank you everyone!

**Percival C. McLeach**

Me: OK, first and foremost! GRAVESTONE!

S: Such fun! Even if we DID write it when we should have been paying attention to our lecture.

Me: Tut, tut! Warning to everyone, don't try it. I'm sure our lecturer gave us a suspicious look when she saw us passing a book back and forth! Anyway...

_Here lies Percival C. McLeach_

_Born – who cares? He's dead and that's what matters!_

_Died – when gravity kicked him in the balls and he fell from that waterfall!_

_. May your soul be mauled in Hell by the animals you poached and abused!_

_. Gravity -1 McLeach – 0_

_. It's official – water is a killer in Disney!_

_. Don't forget Gravity! That shit's lethal to Disney Villains!_

_. Do Disney villains never learn? They don't win!_

_. I HATE YOU JOHANN!_

_I HATE YOU!_

_As I fell from the waterfall, _

_I cursed you to the very end. _

_Hey, did you hear my fucking call?_

_JOHANNA! _

_I'LL KILL YOU JOHANNA! _

_I'LL KILL YOU! _

S: Ha ha ha! Just had to get the Sweeney Todd referance in there somewhere! All hail the mighty geniuses, Depp and Burton!

Me: Hip hip hooray! Now...McLeach! S, friend, light of my life! What are your views?

S: I hate this guy! His abuse towards animals pisses me off no end!

Me: I've never seen him but I hate him already! Poor animals! D: S, let's celebrate our newfound friendship, unite in our hatred and TEAR HIM APART!

S: He certainly deserves it! And judging by his 'version' of Home on the Range, he's done the same to a fair amount of innocent animals!

Me: Bastard.

S: And considering the recent reports of animal abuse that have been popping up in the newspapers recently, McLeach's character makes me pretty damn mad. I'm going to enjoy making this dickhead suffer in today's poem!

Me: And I'm going to enjoy reading it!

S: Yes, because we're friends now!

Me: Yes, best friends! :D

S: Bestest, best friends in the whole world! *eye twitches again*

Me: S, seriously, are you ok? That's the second time that's happened…

S: Yeah… I'm fine… Nothing to worry about… *forces her eye to stop twitching*

Me: Okaaaaay… So, poem time?

S: *rubs hand together evilly"* Oh yeah!

Me: No rhyming, remember.

S: I remember, you - *stops herself* wonderful, helpful, _lovely_ girl! *eye twitch again, but stops it by slapping herself*

_Percival C. McLeach fell from the waterfall at the end of the film._

_Gravity made a Disney villain his bitch yet again!_

_I wonder if he drowned or was killed by the sharp rocks at the bottom…?_

_Oh, screw it; he's still going to Hell either way!_

_And while his soul's in Hell's waiting room, waiting to be sentenced,_

_I'd like to send whoever's in charge some tips on how to torture this sociopathic bastard!_

_They're very creative so why don't you come and take a seat,_

_And revel in the pain and torment McLeach will seem experience!_

_SKIN HIM ALIVE! Tear and slice his flesh from his bones and give it to a demon to wear as a coat. Not nice when the tables are turned, eh, Leachy?_

_DROWN HIM! Tie him to a pole and lower him into water and watch him struggle until he breaths his final breath!_

_BEAT HIM! Punch, kick and throw him around until his skin is black and blue! Every wound he gave to an animal, give it back to him in spades!_

_GUT HIM! He loved to disembowel little critters, huh? Well I say tie him down with rope, slice his stomach open and then pull out his innards! Oh how he'd scream!_

_COOK HIM! Shove his body into a giant oven or microwave and see how he fries. That's the kind of sick thing he'd do to an animal, so let's see how he likes it!_

_LOCK HIM UP! Trap him in a cage, small in width and height. I wonder how long it'd take for him to crack, when he'd be unable to stand or move!_

_FEED HIM TO CROCIDILES! Let's not leave the child abuse out either! Dangle him above those crocs and watch them chomp him to pieces. Oh yeah!_

_So there're my suggestions and my wishes, do with them as you please._

_I just think that since he's gravities bitch, he might as well be karmas too!_

_This is what he gets for killing and hurting those poor animals,_

_And attempting the same on an innocent child as well._

_Percival C. McLeach, this is from Hollie and I: FUCK YOU!_

Me: See, S? I told you that you could write a good non-rhyming poem! Tim's module taught you well!

S: Indeed it did! So, readers! The choice is now between...Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove or Benedict from Recess: School's out.

Me: Get voting! And by the way, we have one more thing to say! WE LIED! WE STILL HATE EACH OTHER'S ASSES! S, YOU SLACKING BITCH GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND FUCKING SAY GOODBYE TO OUR REVIEWERS BEFORE I LOCK YOU IN A CASE AND SEND YOU TO TIMBUKTU TO BE WITH YOUR MENTOR, EDGAR!

S: Really! We really were just trolling our readers! :D

Me: Er… yes. Why aren't you upset?

S: I thought you were been serious and actually wanted us to be to be _nice_ to each other! Thank God! My eye kept twitching every time I had to be pleasant to you. I think if that kept up I would have ended up losing it completely!

Me: WHAT! Wait, come back! I was just joking right now! I totally want us to be friends!

S: Nice try, bitch, but you had your chance to get rid of me and you BLEW it!

Me: GAHAHAHAA! GET BACK HERE BITCH! RIGHT NOW!

*Cue screams of a catfight!*


	17. Yzma

Me: Well, this is a change. For once, we're writing this chapter at YOUR house. I was starting to think you were homeless!

S: Hey! I like your house. Don't like you, but I like your house!

Me: I've got some news for you; S. My house doesn't like you very much! Nor does the bed you always sleep in. Just yesterday it told me, "Hollie, don't let that bitch of a friend sleep in me anymore!"

S: Yeah… Well… My cat doesn't like you!

Me: Raoul doesn't like ANYONE! He doesn't even like you!

S: :(

Me: Yeah, take that, bitch! Hollie wins the argument again! Me – 11, S – 0!

S: I'm going to smother you in your sleep tonight!

Me: Yet again, you're thinking up lazy ways to kill me. At least when I threaten you, I use my imagination!

S: Fine, I'll get more creative in my plans to end you! You will regret this! Mark my words!

Me: I'm sure I will, S. I'm sure I will. *Sarcasm x10* Anyway let's thank the reviewers! **Drama****sapphire**** –** Your wish is granted, and as you can see, we're doing Yzma. We look forward to your next vote.

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959**** –** Did we horrify you with our last chapter? Was it too brutal? Just remember, McLeach killed and tortured countless animals and tried to do the same to a little boy. No mercy! That is for the WEAK!

Me: Rich coming from you. If you honestly believed that, I'd be dead by now. Don't be fooled anyone, S is all talk. **SideshowJazz1**** –** I've never watched the Recess film, but I, like S, loved the TV show! Even though I've never watched the Emperor's New Groove, it's my pleasure to grant your wish! Here's Yzma, and I hope you enjoy S butchering her!

S: **Writer-in-the-making16** – That's what we like to hear! We love that people love our bloodthirsty nature! Truly the two of us were born to be like this! And I have NO idea what you're talking about. I honestly tried to get along with this bitch last chapter and that failed! As for who McLeach is, I recommend you watch the Rescuers Down Under. One of the few good Disney sequels!

Me: You lying, little fucking bitch! I noticed your little eye twitch! Want me to punch you in the face so it doesn't start happening again?

S: Watch it; you're in my territory now!

Me: So? We're all alone! No one will know any different! Also, it has to be said: why the fuck didn't Amy review our last chapter? She didn't like the fact that we trolled our reviewers?

S: Yeah, Amy! We hate you! We're totally not feeling betrayed right now! *angry face*

Me: Let's get started then!

**Yzma**

S: Oh Yzma, how you make me laugh!

Me: Dear God, she's so fucking ugly! She looks like a cross between a human, a snake and an ant!

S: Well Kuzco did call her "ugly beyond all reason". Even her sidekick, Kronk is pretty horrified by her!

Me: Anyway, now onto my favourite part: the Gravestone!

_Here lies Yzma_

_Born – I'd wager when the Dinosaurs came into existence. _

_Died – Well, if the sequel is anything to go by, probably when she was eaten by the falcon and it's chicks in her bunny form. _

_. When it came to her looks she was even more deluded then Sarousch! _

_. She may have been ugly as a human but, boy, was she cute as a kitten and a bunny! _

_. She shouldn't have insulted her sidekick, Kronks, spinach puffs. That was blasphemy! _

_. She should have changed herself into an animal that wasn't one of the most preyed upon in the wild. _

_. She should have killed Kuzco after he turned into llama and was knocked out. _

_. Squeaky, squeaker, squeak, squeak! (Sucks to be you, you decrepit, old bitch.)_

S: That was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

Me: I know I'd said this before, but she is sooooooooooooo ugly!

S: She makes up for it with downright hilarity! Like her over the tops plans on how she wants to kill Kuzco!

Me: Admittedly, yes.

S: You know, I do believe that Yzma's the one Disney villain who not only doesn't kill anyone but doesn't do anything all that despicable. She _tries_, (bless her skeletal soul) but fails completely! The height of her 'evilness' is when she insults her sidekick Kronk's cooking, something that unites his shoulder devil and angel!

Me: And attempting regicide isn't worse!

S: To be fair to Yzma, Kuzco was a little shit. She raised him up and he chucked her away the moment she displeased him in the slightest way. He was already abusing his power and treating his own people badly, even chucking an old man out of his palace which was pretty damn high up!

Me: Like Jafar then?

S: Yep! I wonder whose situation was worse.

Me: Well… Jafar had to put up with a fifty something sultan who had the mind of an eight year old and his bratty, whiny teenage daughter. No wonder he wanted the magic lamp so much!

S: Yeah but then Yzma raised Kuzco from childhood and had to put up with his selfish, bratty behaviour which was far worse than the Sultan and Jasmine's behaviour combined! Kid was already in power and had a total disregard for not only his people's lives but those closest to him. I think it can be argued that Kuzco, up until his change of heart, was the villain of Emperor's New Groove. Leaving Pacha, a man who's got two kids and a pregnant wife, to die after he tried helping you is just cold!

Me: I hate the both of them!

S: Don't! Kuzco turned good at the end and Yzma gets turned into a cute, wittle kitten that has to take "squirrel talking lessons" from Kronk! Besides, both are goddamn hilarious! Yzma's voice cracks me up every time while it's nice to have a Disney hero who isn't completely squeaky clean!

Me: By the way, readers, guess which house we're back at! S's mum kicked her out because she tried to smother me as I slept last night.

S: I wasn't! I came to ask if you could lend me a pillow because I was sleeping downstairs on the fucking sofa! You took my bed!

Me: You offered me your bed, you bitch!

S: You didn't have to say yes!

Me: Hmmm... A hard, small sofa or a soft, comfortable bed? Which would YOU choose, S?

S: ... Fuck you.

Me: To the rooster who keeps crowing outside my house, FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP!

S: I still can't believe its still doing that after... how many months? How is it you cannot find it?

Me: I just can't. I FUCKING HOPE SOMEONE SHOOTS IT, PLUCKS IT, STUFFS IT AND EATS IT FOR FUCKING CHRISTMAS DINNER! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

S: ... Yeaaaaah, you're starting to freak me out... I'm going to start the poem now...

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU HAVEN'T HAD TO LIVE HERE WITH THAT THING CROWING MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT SINCE FUCKING APRIL!

S: I've had to live with my brother!

Me: HA! You see him at your Dad's! THAT THING is ALWAYS there! Would you like to take it, home, S?

S: Yes...

Me: GOOD! Take it! Let's see how long YOU can stand cock-a-fucking-doodle-fucking-do!

S: Ah say, Hollie, ah say, you've got some anger issues!

Me: S, don't be a fucking hypocrite! Also, stop quoting Foghorn Leghorn and get the fuck out of my house and FIND THAT ROOSTER!

S: *Singing* So stop the rooster! Stop the rooster! Stop the rooster! Stop the rooster! Stop the rooster! Howww? :D

Me: GET THE FUCK OUT!

S: But it's so cold! Can't I at least do the poem first?

Me: NO! *sees the puppy dog eyes S is giving her* Oh... Fine! But soon as it's finished you're getting that rooster! Even if I have to throw you out my window into the field outside!

S: Aye, aye, Captain Bitch! I'll be using Yzma's deleted song, 'Snuff Out the Light.'

**Ode to Yzma: Dead and Doomed Beyond All Reason!**

_After been eaten by those baby chicks,_

_and arriving at Hell's dark gates,_

_Yzma stood and demanded to know,_

_The torture her soul awaits._

_Well, looking over her crimes,_

_She's probably in for some hard times._

_Why would the creatures of Hell forgive_

_She who fucked up another chance to live?_

_Rather than lock Yzma away,_

_He let her live another day._

_And how does she repay this move?_

_She tries to ruin Kronk's new groove!_

_So should she really be surprised,_

_That her soul is so despised,_

_By demons who have devised,_

_A torture fit for her soul!_

_They'll repeatedly change her into a small creature._

_Like a flea!_

_And a fly!_

_Or a leech!_

_And, because demons hold grudges,_

_They won't let her speak, beg or cry._

_Stomp on her soul!_

_That's your goal,_

_As demons of sinners!_

_Squish out her soul!_

_Kill that troll,_

_Who fucked with Hell's demons!_

Me: Well I never, S! That didn't take you very long at all!

S: I admit it took me a long time, OK? BUT IT'S A GOOD POEM! I LIKE IT!

Me: You're alone there...Muahahahahahahah!

S: If you think it's bad, maybe you shouldn't have distracted me by having the Simpsons on in the background!

Me: Maybe YOU shouldn't have fucking brought the fucking Simpsons! Anyway, just joking...cracking job, as usual!

S: And by the way – for reviewing late Amy – aka, **DarkDancer07** – you get a late reply at the end!

Me: Yeah Amy! Stop fighting? US? NEVER!

S: Yeah, Amy! Harry Potter might be good but it's no excuse for negligence! Believe me, I hate animal abusers too! You should have heard my rant to Hollie about them because of some particularly nasty stories involving cats and microwaves! Fucking evil, that's what it is.

Me: Indeed it is, S, indeed it is! Anyway, people, next you have Dr. Phillium Benedict from Recess: School's Out to look forward to! Until next time folks! Vale!

S: Zàijiàn!


	18. Dr Phillium Benedict

Me: S... I hate you!

S: What! I didn't do anything!

Me: Exactly! You didn't stop the rooster!

S: I was too busy watching the black and white version of Oliver Twist! Besides, I didn't see you reminding me when YOU were watching Recess: School's Out!

Me: Well, I was counting on you! Some friend you are! Next time, don't rely on me to wake you up in class! In fact, I'll just tell the teacher you've gone and fallen asleep on them!

S: Oh come on! Even for you, that's cold! Well, excusssssssssssssse me, Princess!

Me: Gasp! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! THAT'S WHAT WE CALL YOUR PERSONAL TUTOR!

S: I'm still counting on you to say that to her at your graduation ceremony!

Me: Oh I shall! And it will be good!

S: Curse the fact that I have to wait half a year until I graduate!

Me: Well that's what you get when you're indecisive about the courses you want to do!

S: Curses. Curses! CUUUUUUURSES!

Me: Oh right, Mojo Jojo, get on with it!

S: Fine, I shall start the gravestone and entertain the readers with our witty comments! That is to say, the readers won't be entertained until I start the gravestone, which shall be witty! And it shall be witty because I'll have started it and it'll be entertaining the readers!

Me: Stop imitating Mojo Jojo and get on with the gravestone!

S: Alright! What happened to you, Hollie? You used to be cool! I mean, I still hated you back then but at least you were cool!

Me: Well do you want to know what happened, S?

S: Nah, I really couldn't give a shit.

Me: You will when I tell you it's because I met you!

S: Excuses, excuses, excuses. I was a bloody SAINT before I met you!

Me: As if anyone believes you! Even our classmates think you've tainted me!

S: Well, Hollie, I have always said that you're the Devil in disguise!

Me: Yeah, I only show my true form when no one's around! MUHAHAHAHAHA! :D

S: Hmm... Adrian, from our class, accused me of being more evil than you. So... if you're like the Devil, what does that make me...?

Me: An 'eldritch abomination' that the likes of H.P. Lovecraft or Junji Ito would dream of and gain inspiration from. You should not _be_, S and your true form is most likely an assault on the eyes and mind to the point where it would drive someone insane if they were to glance at you! If the the world does end in 2012, I bet it'll be because you'll wake up one day and _forget_ to keep yourself transformed as a human! Damn you, you unspeakable, spawn of all that is evil! _

S: ...Wow... Just wow... Hollie, as your frienemy, I am very concerned for you. What the fuck is WRONG with you! ಠ_ಠ

Me: I just saw C.J on Eggheads again. :( FUCKING SMUG, LITTLE PRICK! I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!

S: *Mutters* I want to punch YOU in the face, you crazy bitch...

Me: WHAT WAS THAT!

S: You heard me! :)

Me: *Calms down* OK, time to thank our reviewers!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – Oh, Sideshow Bob is bad, no doubt about it. But there's one Simpsons character that is even worse! I'm talking about Mr. Burns! Man tried to block out the sun and cheated Springfield Elementary out of much needed money just because he wanted it for himself, even though he's stinking rich! He's so mean that, when he was just shot, not even dead, a song was made in Spanish wishing that he die and go to Hell! And yes, the Disney villains seem to get rather lazy half way in their schemes, don't they? Jafar, Scar and Ursula are the few that had competent sidekicks and failed due to their massive egos in the end, haha!

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** - We love you and your brilliant views too! THANK YOU! :D

S: And to **DarkDancer07** – Hollie and I are both glad that you're not going to stand in the way of our fighting. It's just impossible, so there's no point trying! Also, Tangled is a great film! I'll have to lend it to Hollie so she can watch it!

Me: **Curlycurlz** – Wow, just wow! I think you actually hate this movie more than S! And she has A LOT of hate inside of her for this film! We're glad that we made you laugh so much but please, if you continue to read our chapters, be care not to choke on your dinner! And what can we say? The film really does take the gold for showing how BAD Disney's sequels can be! I'm just glad it went straight to DVD because I can't imagine the horror and disgust many would have felt if they had to go and pay to see it in the cinema! Anyway, thanks for your awesome review, it had S and I laughing our heads off!

S: And, lastly, **AddienaRoxUnlessYourFang** – We hope you did well on your finals! Hollie and I both know from experience that it can be a very stressing time so our best wishes to you! We hope you readers enjoy our nasty bickering because, God knows, it's all we ever seem to do! And, yes! May the Disney Villains enjoy the hells we've doomed them to! Cause they're never getting out! Hahaha!

**Dr. Phillium Benedict**

Me: Word of warning reviewers, as we're writing this, S is completely drunk!

S: Tipsy! And so are you! Besides, it's your fault, bitch! Look at me, I can't even goddamn walk! I ended up falling down flat on my back, laughing like a maniac!

Me: Hey, I didn't force you to drink those two Tia Maria's, three Malibu's and a Bacardi! And it's not my fault you're such an 'alcohol virgin!' I bloody diluted it with coke and you still couldn't handle it! For shame!

S: Oh fuck you!

Me: Anyway, as for this guy, he was such a weirdo!

S: I know he has the same voice actor (James Woods) as Hades but I just can't like him! He wants to end break time and summer holidays for God's sake!

Me: God, if ANYONE had tried to do that at my primary school, the kids would have MURDERED them! He's like the summer's Ebenezer Scrooge!

S: I think anyone would have protested such a move! I think the fact that he kept a grudge for thirty years is ridiculous!

Me: I know! I think if it was my primary school, they would have just refused to work until they got their freedom! Anyway, as if his 'master plan' would stop kids from having fun outside of school hours! What a stupid villain!

S: I think the real stupidity is that he didn't think anything would happen to him if he succeeded! Come on! If he didn't get the death penalty for such a move, he'd certainly get hung, drawn and quartered by an angry mob of parents who want some freedom from their kids and now can't because it's fucking permanently winter!

Me: Delusional. Absolutely delusional! Anyway, gravestone!

_Here lies Dr. Phillium Benedict_

_Born – Well, the flashbacks were set in the sixties, so we guess sometime in the forties?_

_Died – Erm, committed suicide? Died in prison, cursing kids and recess? Hmm..._

_. Did you honestly think you were any match for the good force in a Disney film? Moron!_

_. He had seriously bad taste in women! Muriel Finster? REALLY?_

_. So you thought the school was the best place to carry out your master plan because...?_

_. Seriously? Even Sarousch had a better plan! And that's saying something!_

_.Come on, let's not be cruel! Are you comparing stealing a bell to freezing the earth over?_

_. Of course I fucking am, S, I'm tipsy thanks to you!_

_. So am I, but I'm still thinking sensibly here!_

_. Suuuuuuure! That's why you just FELL OFF THE CHAIR!_

_. YOU SPELT MY SURNAME WRONG!_

_. GO TO HELL! WE'RE MEANT TO BE INSULTING THIS WERIDO!_

_. OK, fine, one more!_

_. If he likes Norway, Iceland and Canada so much, he should have just moved to one of them instead!_

S: What a mad villain!

Me: Seriously? What the fuck?

S: Ok, we're continuing this weeks later and we're back to being sober!

Me: And we're at S's house because I'm sick of taking her in every time she decides she hates her home! NEXT TIME GO SLEEP ON THE STREET!

S: Such a cruel friend you are...

Me: Oh yeah, and also there's cause for celebration! That rooster that wouldn't shut the fuck up outside my house? Well, after Christmas Day, it seemed strangely silent around my area!

S: You mean... someone... ate it...?

Me: I FUCKING WELL HOPE SO!

S: Oh rooster, we hardly knew ye! And now my repressed memories of my poor sheep Djali are coming back to me... :'(

Me: BAAA!

S: That's not funny, you bitch! You're NOT Melchett from Blackadder!

Me: S'ssssss, you atttttte meeeeee! Baaa!

S: IT WASN'T MY FAULT! My uncle and his family killed it while I was away and fed it to me that night without me knowing! My dad and brother KNEW and laughed about it! I loved that sheep and he loved me! I was bloody upset when I came back to find him missing! D':

Me: DAMN! That's some Sweeney Todd shit right there! But! We're getting ahead of ourselves! This is a chapter about Benedict, not your sheep!

S: Right, right! R.I.P Djali! I hope you're in Heaven having fun with Tom Fidget the cat! :) Ok, Benedict! What a sad, crazy little man he was! I mean, I get he wanted better test results for schools and such, but getting rid of summer vacation? Blasphemy!

Me: The man clearly never heard of school inspectors! Also, if anything, getting rid of break and summer vacation would have a more negative than positive effect on the children! Especially if it was bloody winter all the time! Did the man even read the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!

S: Not to mention the potential catastrophic effects moving the moon would have not only on wildlife but also the world in general! Making it constantly winter would definitely kill out a number of species and cause premature deaths due to the fact that people are more likely to get sick when it's cold then when it's summer. Oh, and want to hear another depressing fact? There'd be A LOT of kids and teenagers having mental breakdowns round this point because the change would too big for them to handle and moral would be lowered so much due to stress! Of course that could just be an exaggeration on my part...

Me: It certainly sounds plausible! So, basically, Benedict is one of the craziest Disney villains, eh?

S: Looks it! Even scarier since he's a human and not some evil, supernatural entity! He was just that deluded, obsessed and filled with hate that nothing stopped him from trying to make his plan come into fruition, even though it took thirty years!

Me: Well, I think he wins the award for Disney villain had the longest plan! Not that that's something to be proud of! I mean, there's got to be a point where you stop and think, "I'm wasting my life!"

S: Frankly the man would have lost either way in the end! In that sense, he's just as hopeless as Sarousch! One is an ambiguous gay/paedophile/narcissist who doesn't think about how he's going to sell a HUGE bell without it tracing back to him. And the other is a materialistic, education obsessed crackpot who thinks he'll be hailed as a hero if he forced the Earth into an ice age over America's educational test scores!

Me: Stop fucking banging on about fucking rubbish woman and fucking get the fuck on with the fucking poem!

S: You're being influenced too much by your manager, Hollie!

Me: GET ON WITH IT!

S: FINE! Well, Benedict has no songs in Recess: Schools Out, which is a darn shame because James Woods has got an awesome voice. However, I was inspired by the line "HEY, teacher! Leave those kids alone!" that Ms Finster yells out and is a lyrics from "Another Brick in the Wall: Part 2" by Pink Floyd. So, I'm going to use that song with a bit of a rhyme put in by me as well!

_**Education Hasn't Gone to Hell, but Phillium Benedict Sure Has!**_

_First, he was named, then shamed and blamed,_

_For almost bringing a second Ice Age upon Earth!_

_Then he raged, was caged and aged,_

_When he was in prison, alone, without self-worth._

_The man had already aged prematurely from stress,_

_From trying so hard to control and oppress_

_All the kids around the world, a goal he made his life's quest._

_So it shouldn't have been a surprise when he went into cardiac arrest,_

_And, ding-dong-dang! Died and fell to Hell with a scream and a yell!_

_When it got too much, he cried, lied and tried_

_To get the demons to answer why he was there, but all they did was grin!_

_They told him to shut up, man up and wise up,_

_Because they refuse to lend an ear to a sinner who doesn't know his sin!_

_They took him to a classroom filled with children to teach,_

_And locked him in, with one goal, and that was to reach_

_Their minds, which were numb with boredom, leaving them fatigued,_

_Because of no breaks to make them eager to learn and intrigued._

_And when Benedict tried, those kids, irate, yelled with a great deal of hate:_

_**We don't want your boring lessons! **_

_**We don't want to be controlled! **_

_**There's no freedom in this school at all! **_

_**Headmaster fuck off right now! **_

_**HEY, Headmaster! Fuck off right now! **_

_**You should know that this is going to make your life hell. **_

_**You should know that we're going to make your life hell.**_

_Benedict, surrounded and astounded, ran to the door and pounded,_

_And screamed that his goal was futile and he wanted to leave the room!_

_Much as he feared, the students jeered and neared,_

_Telling him that he couldn't because this room was his own personal doom!_

_"You see", they explained, with psychotic grins on their faces,_

_"For you, we students here are a bunch of lost cases!_

_And, sir, don't even think you can leave or try another endeavour!_

_Because you're going to be stuck here with us forever and ever!"_

_And, pencils in hand, they fell upon Benedict and grabbed, jabbed and stabbed!_

S: My God am I proud of this!

Me: Yawn! Sorry, I just woke up! Have you FINALLY finished?

S: YOU'RE BLOODY LYING! You've been sitting next to me and reading Horrible Histories!

Me: *Blows a raspberry* And ranting about Harry Potter! We love you Yanks but why'd you have to go and change it from Philosopher's Stone to Sorcerer's Stone! WHY!

S: Eh, it's just one of those things that happen. Like how the Region 1 DVD subtitles for Let the Right One In were severely dumbed down! I don't blame those in America for getting so pissed!

Me: *Grumbles and stares resentfully at S's Harry Potter book collection as if it's HER fault*

S: *Stares accusingly at Hollie*

Me: It is your fucking fault, S! I blame you!

S: …Fuck you!

Me: Ok, the next chapter is between Madman Mim from The Sword in the Stone and Captain Hook from Peter Pan!

S: Get voting!

Both: BYE! :D


	19. Captain James Hook

Me: Hello and welcome. First, S and I apologise for the very, very, very, very long gap in updating, but we regret to inform you that this shall be the last chapter we ever write.

S: Sniff...sob...oh SHUT UP! Don't scare the reviewers; that's just mean!

Me: Oh, shut the fuck up, S! Well as we suspected, Hook won by a landslide, so we'll thank all you lovely people then get the hell on with the long awaited chapter. First, to **DarkDancer07**** –** We REALLY don't care if you've had enough of us fighting. Everyone else loves it, so THERE! But thank you anyway.

S: **Drama sapphire** – You know, you're probably right there, it probably was a childhood thing (it always is, isn't it?) that made him be suck a dick. Mummy and Daddy must have kept him in during the summer all the time, working. Thanks for reviewing.

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959 **– Well, you give us some lovely compliments too. No, he wasn't the most fascinating Disney villain, in fact as they go, he was rather weak. But hey-ho, his plan was foiled as usual. It took one punch from PRICKLY of all people to knock him out. Thanks as always!

S: **SideshowJazz1**** – **Yeah, Captain Hook is pretty damn funny. I always laugh at his last scene in Peter Pan. Regarding your Simpsons comment, I do see what you mean – Sideshow Bob is a stereotypical villain. And I'm glad someone likes my Mojo JoJo impersonation – Hollie doesn't, the ungrateful bitch! Guess what Hollie; _I_ don't like _your_ evil laugh!

Me: *gives two fingered salute* **517wiiface** – Thanks a lot for your input. We hope you like this chapter.

S: **AddienaRoxUnlessYourFang** – Well, we're always glad to hear that! It makes us less frenemies and more friends, for a bit at least! Thank you very much!

Me: **blackraven88** – Thanks for your vote, you got your wish! Yes, Shan Yu will be coming up soon. Madam Mim is definitely next, but Shan Yu will be a choice very soon, we promise!

S: **elsiecarson** – Thanks so much for reviewing, we're always happy to get them. Actually, it's only in Greek Myth that Zeus is the younger brother. We were referring to the Disney version, where Zeus is the older brother. Don't know why Disney changed it, though, cos it would have given Hades even more ammunition to be pissed off!

Me: Is that everyone? Good, on with the chapter!

**Captain James Hook**

S: Well, this guy is certainly one of the funniest Disney villains on the list. The only one I can think of to rival him is Jafar, really, and that's more black comedy!

Me: You've gotta feel bad, the way he was continually taunted by Peter Pan, though Pan was a bit of a first-class childish brat, let's face it!

S: He's even worse in the books, you know! Soon as Hook, Wendy and Tinkerbell are gone, he forgets about them.

Me: That I believe!

S: Readers, correct me if I'm wrong, but Peter Pan in Barrie's books wasn't ever supposed to be some sort of heroic figure. He was a child (6 in the book, I believe, and 10 or 11 in the Disney version), pure and simple, and children, unfortunately, can be selfish and fickle. Peter Pan was that but taken to the extreme, having no sense of the gravity that is life and death and unable to grow up and really care for anyone but himself. At one point in the book, he very nearly kills one of the lost boys when he thinks Wendy's been murdered!

Me: What a charmer. *Sarcasm*

S: Then again, Wendy in the Disney version pissed the hell out of me.

Me: I know! Her voice got on my nerves!

S: "Peter! Oh, Peter! Peter!" SHUT UP, you bitch and go back home! I cannot believe she told her brothers and the Lost Boys to walk the plank and die rather than give in to Hook.

Me: Stupid little girl...

S: And, for the record, I'm not saying this because I'm a coward or disloyal-

Me: *Coughs*

S: *Gives Hollie the Evil Eye*

Me: I have a cough! (No joke, she really does! Chest infection!)

S: Fine... Anyway! I'm not saying this because I'm a coward or disloyal, but because I think she was stupid to put all her faith in Pan saving them. She looked SO smug when she said, "Peter will save us", and I couldn't believe it never occurred to her that, er, NO, he won't! This is a boy who ignored you at the Indian celebration and _laughed_ when mermaids attacked and tried to drown you! Honestly, in most adaptations Peter's selfish and just using Wendy as a mother figure. Soon as she leaves, he forgets her and repeats the whole process again!

Me: Asshole. But I can't help feeling sad when I watch the film. What happened to young Bobby Driscoll, who voiced Peter Pan, was absolutely tragic. You see, guys, he was Disney's 'Golden Child,' though if that's how he treats his best stars, I'd hate to see what he did with his worst. The natural born actor was discovered at the age of five-and-a-half, and put his name to some of Disney's biggest films, including Song of the South and of course, Peter Pan. When he turned sixteen, he created the oh-so-big sin of...shock, horror, gasp, HOW DARE HE...going through puberty. He developed heavy acne and had to wear heavy makeup. Guess what happened next, folks? His contract with Disney was terminated!

S: After that, he became addicted to drugs and even though he went to rehab, he never quite recovered and his career was never the same either. He received little work and any roles he received were sparse or unknown and in the end, he retreated into the underground, stone cold broke.

Me: On the 30th of March, 1968, his dead body was found by children. He was believed to be homeless person, and when the body went unclaimed, he was buried in an unmarked pauper's grave. His family only found out he'd died when his mother, wanting to reunite him with his dying father, reported him missing and the 'pauper' was discovered to be Driscoll. His body remains in the pauper's grave on Hart Island.

S: Bloody tragic, that's what it is. Granted, it can be argued that Disney had no obligation towards him and nobody forced him to take the drugs either. But, that doesn't excuse the crappy reason to fire people in the first place and how callous he was about Driscoll! One minute, he's' practically calling him a 'mini me', then the next saying; 'he's better suited for the role of a bully.' That's horrible!

Me: Well, look what he did to Adrianna Caselotti (Snow White, to those who don't know). He refused to let anyone use her voice after Snow White (Clearly he thought it was HIS voice) and so blacklisted her. At least though, she went on to live her life to the full.

S: It does affect my view of Peter Pan whenever I watch the film. Thank God for the hilarious antics of Hook to lighten it up, eh?

Me: Gotta love that old, Codfish! Our readers must agree because that's why all of them voted for him!

S: Well, let's be honest, Hollie, who the Hell remembers Madame Mim from Sword in the Stone? That film, honestly, was pretty boring...

Me: Can't argue with you there. Although, I do think it has one of the best openings!

S: True...

Me: OK, enough depressing stuff! Onto the gravestone!

_Here Lies Captain James Hook_

_Born – Treasure Island _

_Died – Never Land_

_. Treasure Island! Whaaaa? _

_. Oh, fuck off! Treasure Island - England - Does it really matter!_

_. But he went to Eton! That's the same as our bastard of a prime minister, David Cameron! _

_. Oh, who gives a shit!_

_. Buried and Decapitated (Rest in pieces!) _

_. He's now safe from the crocodile. _

_. Yeah! Because he's IN the crocodile! Enjoy being digested, Hook! _

_. Tick, tock! Tick, tock! Tick, tock!_

_. You know what the irony is? He feared and loathed that tick-tocking sound, but his last moments of life were probably hearing it in the croc's stomach! _

_. SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_

_. Don't you know the kids always win? _

_. Must be the first pirate not to be after treasure! _

_. He couldn't beat Pan, a 10-12 year old boy? Pussy! _

_. Clearly he didn't think to use Tinkerbell's dust. _

_. He spent years trying to get revenge for decapitation? Saddo! _

_. Hell, I'd be pissed off if a boy like Pan cut of MY hand and made jokes about it! Little shit..._

_. We're sure Smee misses you... _

_. I know I've said this so many times, but, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE LEAST EXPECTED IT! _

Me: Well, that was a fun one to write!

S: A rather gruesome fate for such an entertaining Disney villain though...

Me: Come on! He was ALWAYS going to be eaten by the crocodile in the end!

S: But, eaten alive! I know that counts as a fetish for some people, but OUCH! That's just cruel! All he wanted was to get revenge on a little brat who wouldn't leave him alone!

Me: Well, he was just as bad, always stalking Pan's EVERY move. And S...GET YOURSELF A FUCKING HOTEL! I AM NOT PUTTING YOU UP AGAIN!

S: This is the first time I visited you in MONTHS!

Me: What was it this time, S? Did you try to smother someone else, or did you try to kill Raoul?

S: He tried to kill ME! He's the Devil's cat! He has 666 tattooed on his body somewhere! He's Damien reincarnated!

Me: Fucking stop being so fucking melodramatic and get the fuck on with the fucking poem!

S:...Fuck you! And stop swearing like your manager!

Me: It's not MY fault I'm surrounded by such language! I've been there five months and if I had a pound for every time any of them swore, I'd be richer than JK Rowling and Steven King combined!

**The Unfortunate Captain Hook**

_Oh Woe, Oh Woe! Oh Woe, Oh Woe, Oh Woe!_

_Yes, the man's life was a joke!_

_And his death we can't help but mock!_

_Poor Hook died confined,_

_Scared and resigned,_

_In the stomach of the Croc!_

_Hearing that goddamn clock!_

_Tick, Tock, Tickety-Tockety-_

_Tockety-Tick_

_The Tick really made him feel-_

_I doubt anyone would be distressed,_

_If they were told Hook's fate._

_He spent his life so damn obsessed,_

_He was consumed by hate._

_BANG, he could have shot the boy's head,_

_Using surprise and tricks instead:_

_Then Pan would be the one who's dead!_

_Oh well, it's too late now._

_Oh well, it's too late now._

_Oh Woe, Oh Woe! Oh Woe, Oh Woe, Oh Woe!_

_Your men saw you as a joke!_

_And your legacy, all will mock!_

_Enjoy Hell, you git! We must admit,_

_Its funny your body's now croc shit!_

_Ain't life a bitch, you crook?_

_Goodbye to Captain Hook!_

S: Well, that was harder than I thought it would be!

Me: So you were up literally all night writing THAT?

S: Hey, I have to go to uni the next day! And it wouldn't have been until the next week I could have finished it! Time was of the essence!

Me: Well, it's very good... and a little vulgar.

S: You're one to talk, bitch! Besides, they're pirates!

Me: FUCK OFF OUT OF MY HOUSE!

S: I'll be back next week, you know it. :P

Me: I just can't seem to get rid of you...

S: I'll bring Worst Witch and order us some Chinese take away...

Me: ...Fine. Next is Madam Mim! We'll update next week, don't worry! Easter break is here!

S: And our birthdays are this upcoming April! YAY! :D

Me: Goodbye!

S: Goodbye!


	20. Mad Madam Mim

Me: Weeeeeeeeee're back!

S: And I'm back at your house!

Me: Oh yeah, FUCK OFF!

S: Awww. :( But we had such a nice walk in the local graveyard today!

Me: We're not lying, guys. We did! I found it quite peaceful!

S: The whole time we were there, I was thinking up ways to knock you into an open grave and bury you alive!

Me: Oh yeah? Well I tried to push you over the bridge and into the stream! So, there!

S: I wondered why you standing exactly behind me at that time...

Me: Nevertheless, we did learn one thing: It was very disheartening to pass the graves that belonged to the soldiers from WW1 and the Iraq war, as well as the children's graves.

S: Very upsetting. So many deaths that shouldn't have happened or never got a chance to really live...

Me: When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in Brighton Sea! All of you bear witness to that statement!

S: Duly noted. As for me-

Me: BRIGHTON SEA, BITCH!

S: FINE! And if I die before you, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on Watership Down!

Me: No! You'll be buried and I'll dance on your grave while I tear up your anime books! MUHAHAHAHA! :D

S: Hollie, please, if things go my way, you'll die first! Preferably by my hand!

Me: S, I have a little pain and it's in your neck! FUCK THIS COUGH!

S: Chest infections are such a pain...

Me: S, Readers, NEVER get a chest infection! If you do, I'll come and put you out of your misery!

S: And never get acid reflux, either! It's a bitch!

Me: OK, Readers, Reviewers, our most favourite people, it's time to thank you! **AngelOfDarkness1959** – I do like to scare people, Angel, I really do. I apologise anyway. But, yes, Peter Pan is something of a nutter. Fickle, selfish, annoying ext. You get the idea! We hope you enjoy this chapter and, rest assured, it's very far from our last!

S: **Cheycartoongirl8** – Well, to be fair to Hollie and I, we did say that Hades was trapped in the souls and couldn't die. As for the rest of the villains who lived at the end of the films they appeared in... Well... Not even they can cheat death! ;)Hollie and I have never watched Cars and its sequel, however, we WILL give them a try. I'm sure both films can't be as bad as Hunchback 2!

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – One of our ever faithful reviewers! Thank you so much and we hope you enjoy this chapter! We do aim to please!

S: **DarkDancer07** – I think you'll find, Amy, that there really is. It's the only way I, most of the time, can express how much Hollie enrages me! Seriously! If I have to hear her evil laugh one more time...! Yeah, I've watched Peter Pan: Return to Neverland, and its true Hook didn't die at the end of his film. But, nor did Lady Tremaine and Sarosuch (unfortunately...). However, they're not immortal and it was a given they were all going to kick the bucket one, sweet day, so Hollie and I assumed that it'd be the croc that did it for Hook in the end, either way!

Me: I have to add: Politics are important! Deal with it!

S: Yeah! If I want to insult David Cameron, I will damn well do it!

Me: Here, I'm doing it now! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

S: OK, enough about British politics and how much we hate our current government! Onto the chapter!

Me: Indeed.

**Madam Mim**

S: I'll be honest; I'm not as... excited about this particular villain. I think it's because the Sword in the Stone was a pretty boring film and Madam Mim was only in it for about, roughly, 20 minutes.

Me: Meh, she's nothing special, is she?

S: I think it's telling though, that in some Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse comics made after the film, she's been turned into a polite, if not morbid, character who's completely lost her evil streak!

Me: Quite a turnaround! She didn't really have much of an evil streak to begin with, though. She was more insane, power hungry and arrogant.

S: Yeah, I never really believed she'd kill Merlin or Arthur.

Me: That and she's a bad person. Bad people never win in the Disney universe!

S: If only the same could be same about real life!

Me: Here, here.

S: Considering she had powerful shape shifting abilities, I wonder why she didn't have a bigger part or cause more mischief! What was stopping her from taking on the form of the deceased king and pretending he never died, or turning into a giant and causing havoc!

Me: Certainly would have made the film less boring!

S: The Sword in the Stone is just an all round weird film though. Not much songs, no real conflict and nothing really exciting does happen...

Me: Magnificent opening though! The song and animation rivals the openings for Beauty and the Beast and the Hunchback of Notre Dame! Gives me goosebumps!

S: Yeah, I agree.

Me: Onto the gravestone then!

_Here Lies the Magnificent, Marvellous, Mad, Madam Mim. _

_Born – We haven't got an effing clue! Let's go with Early Middle ages! _

_Died – Hard to say... Could have been any time in history if she was anything like Merlin and had the power to travel through time! _

_. Mad, Yes. Magnificent and marvellous? Nooo. _

_. So much wasted potential... _

_. I don't care how beautiful she could make herself, her body was terrifying! _

_. I know! She was like a stick! And no one should have a waste like that! _

_. For someone who hates everything that is good, she sure doesn't do much to spoil it! _

_. She's got nothing on Ursula! No there was a witch who knew what she wanted and how to get it! _

_. She was also involved in the plot of the story rather than just been there to show off some magic! _

_. If she hated sunlight so much, she should have lived underground! _

_. Gotta to be honest, Hollie, I'm struggling to say more about this bitch... _

_. Agreed. Let's stop now. _

S: Urgh! Why does she have to be such a boring character!

Me: Who knows? Maybe the creators didn't know what do to with her character?

S: She could have been so much more, though! It doesn't make sense! Merlin's using his powers to help others and influence history, so why wasn't she trying to do the same in a negative way? I mean, rather than have the majority of the film focus on Arthur get changed into different animals just because it's fun, why not have the main conflict be between Merlin and Madam Mim as she tries to stop Merlin from making Arthur king.

Me: If only had Disney had us working for them! Things would have been so different!

S: Knowing us, it would have ended up exactly like The Black Cauldron: deemed too dark for kids and essentially wiped from the Disney universe!

Me: Hey, kids have to learn the hard facts of life eventually! Why not learn it early! I mean, you wouldn't want a kiddie expecting their relative to come back to life if they died! Real life is NOT like Pokemon: The First Movie! Crying won't bring them back! Nor will Love's First Kiss!

S: Harsh, but true. But, in all seriousness, Madam Mim could have been quite a scary, awesome villain if things had gone differently! In some aspects, she's something like a female Sarousch...

Me: Hey, at least she had powers! Let's not be too harsh here! No one's as bad as that lazy, good for nothing She-man!

S: Oh God, please don't remind me! I still get a nasty taste in my mouth every time I think of that film!

Me: *Shudder* Those fucking lips... It's not normal...

S: OK, I guess it's onto her song! Let's see what I can whip up...

**Mad Madam Mim**

_It has to be said,_

_She didn't do much._

_For a villainess,_

_She was quite the soft touch._

_Yes, she was powerful, but I digress:_

_In the end, Mim was disappointing, dreadful and a mess._

_Though she was smart,_

_And quite the troll._

_Still she was beaten,_

_Mind, body and soul._

_All in all, Mim's pride was her downfall._

_Ill and stuck in bed for the long haul,_

_In the end, Mim was disappointing, dreadful and a mess. _

_Though she reformed, her soul did go to Hell._

_Her evil returned with a spell._

_Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame._

_Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame._

_She was killed right after._

_For a villainess,_

_She preferred laughter._

_In the end, Mim was disappointing, dreadful, dreadful, dreadful, dreadful and a mess._

S: Urgh, not really my best, I'll admit. The rhyming scheme sucked!

Me: Meh, she wasn't a very good villain, so why should she get a good song?

S: I promise to the readers and reviewers that the next chappie will be 100% better! The awesomeness and hilarity will be over 9000! If you get what I'm saying, then a cookie for you!

Me: The next chapter with either be Madam Medusa from the Rescuers or Shan Yu from Mulan! Get voting! :P

S: Adios!

Me: So long!


	21. Shan Yu

Me: Well, this is a nice change of scenery. For once, we're not at MY house and we're not at S's house. We're on the street!

S: I take offense to that! For your information, we're at my dad's place!

Me: Ah, fuck off S!

S: Fine!

Me: Wait, S!

S: Yes… :)

Me: Leave your dog, Milo. He can stay. Bye now!

S: FUCK YOU!

Me: Shut up and have another Oreo! Which reminds me, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET THESE! I thought it was agreed that we were to never eat them again!

S: I couldn't resist them! Besides, this IS the last time we're ever going to eat these things! After tomorrow… never again!

Me: Better be! Oreos are the snacks the devil eats in HELL!

S: In all seriousness, readers, they are pretty evil! They probably have 666 tattooed somewhere in the icing…

Me: S, what is it with you and 666! First your cat and now the Oreos. Next thing you know, you'll be accusing Milo of having it somewhere on his body!

S: Milo? Noooo! I'm convinced it's Raoul! Little black bastard is definitely the Anti-Christ! He's EXACTLY like that creepy dog from The Omen that stood in Damien's room and had the creepiest stare! Even the neighbours are creeped out by Raoul! He just sits there… staring…

Me: Oh look, I found a lost 5p! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

S: YOU BITCH! That's MY 5p!

Me: Finders keepers, losers weepers!

S: It's on MY bed, therefore it's mine! HAND IT OVER!

Me: LOOOOOOOOOOOOSERRRRRRRRR….. *Chucks it out the window*

S: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY 5P! I'M POOR NOW! D:

Me: I guess this wouldn't be a good time to remind you that your dad took your £20…?

S: NOOOOOOOOO! I'M EVEN POORER! D:

Me: Oh, yeah! AND I've stolen your debit card! :) Revenge for buying the demon biscuits!

S: NOOOOOOOO! I'M BANKRUPT! D:

Me: But, in all seriousness, the only one who's going to bankrupt S is her older brother!

S: Which he did… once… Dickhead!

Me: MUHAHAHAHAHA! *Sighs* Ok, back to business! For the first time, I actually got to meet S's father! Lovely man although God knows where he went wrong with this bitch!

S: HEY

Me: AND, I also got to meet S's 6 month Jack Russell puppy, Milo! Cuuuuute! Although, he's been given us the evil eye since we started eating the Oreos…

S: Yeah… He gets like that whenever he sees anyone eating food… He's worse than Tom was. At least Tom just sat back and stared at you with these really pathetic eyes… Milo sits right up next to you, licking his lips and trying to sneak a bite whenever he can…

Me: So, I think it's time to thank our reviewers! **Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff** – In regards to Shan Yu, it's about time a girl personally kicked some arse! I'm sick of watching the Disney movies where the girl needs saving from the villain! Luckily, the chest infection's gone, but that does sound pretty damn awful! What's the school musical you're performing in?

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959 **– Ah, I'm sorry! As you can see, we're not doing Medusa because Shan Yu got the most number of votes. However, rest assured, Medusa will be in the next chapter and will be getting exactly what she deserves! I cannot deny that Mim was amusing but, I personally found her also a little flat as a character.

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – Yes, we're at last doing Shan Yu! And, as you can see, we're updating on a regular basis now due to the Easter holidays! Well… until s resumes university! Loooooserrrrr!

S: You're going back as well!

Me: YOU are staying on for longer!

S: Only for like 3 months!

Me: Then you'll have to go back for tutorials! And you'll probably have 'the Princess' as your tutor! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

S: NOT HER! ANYONE BUT HER!

Me: Readers, if you want an idea of how bad she can be, we've taken the line, "Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess" and made it all about her! Yeah! That really ANNOYING and OBNOXIOUS line from that crappy Zelda cartoon said by Link! She reminds us of THAT! That's why we call her 'the Princess'!

S: I find it amazing how they managed to take a video game protagonist like Link, who NEVER talks, and made him into such a prick in the cartoon!

Me: Oh, let's watch that video on YouTube again! The one which shows ALL the clips of Link saying that line! It's so funny!

S: Excuse us!

Me: Ok, done! We TRIED the 10 minute challenge… but… we just couldn't handle it.

S: By 1.49 I was resisting the urge to strangle myself!

Me: Back to thanking our reviewers!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Hello, Ames! Hollie and I are SO glad you're finally coming round to our way of thinking! It's the best way, believe us! *Sharpens axe* I know there was an octopus in Peter Pan: Return to Never Land that had its eyes set on eating Hook as well, but, frankly, the crocodile was better! He wanted Hook more! Think yourself lucky you haven't seen the Sword in the Stone! Hollie wasted hours of her life watching that stupid film while my own mother, who had nearly all the Disney films on video, never bought it because she thinks it's so boring!

Me: Hey, S, what IS your mother's favourite Disney film?

S: Pfft! Isn't it obvious? Hunchback of Notre Dame, bitch!

Me: Does she like Hunchback 2…? Does she like…. Sarousch? :P

S: FUCK NO! She saw a bit of it once when she rented the DVD for my autistic twin brother and was horrified at how shit the quality was! Even my twin brother, who knows Hellfire by heart and WILL sing and impersonate Frollo during the whole song when that scene plays, took one look at Hunchback 2 and lost interest immediately!

Me: YOU SEE WHAT WE DO FOR YOU, READERS! YOU SEE THE UTTER GARBAGE WE PUT OURSELF THROUGH FORYOUR ENTERTAINMENT! And what's the thanks we get? A two word review! I HATE YOU ALL! D:

S: Now, now, Hollie! We all know that's not true! Besides, the BAD Disney villains we have to review pale in comparison to the good ones we all love!

Me: True. **BubblyShell22** – We're glad you're enjoying our fic and we look forward to more reviews from you! And we're also very grateful for your lovely comments!

S: Now that that's out the way, it's time to start the chappie!

**Shan Yu**

Me: This guy reminds me of Bill Sykes from Oliver! Although… not as entertaining…

S: Man! Have we got bad luck recently or something? First we get Madam Mim and now this guy!

Me: However, at least he was the main antagonist of the film he appeared in, and was dangerous.

S: Yep, can't fault the hulking, brute on that one! I think, interestingly enough, his most despicable act in the film was the one we _never_ got to see!

Me: Which was what?

S: When he finds the little girls doll and decides to 'return it to her'. However, when it comes to returning something to someone, Shan Yu's methods are a little… violent. He doesn't just go find the person and hand it to them, oh no! He takes his whole army with him and massacres the whole village including the little girl!

Me: Nasty! What a sociopath!

S: Let's not forget that the guy apparently has jaundice! I mean, look at his eyes! They're yellow for Pete's sake!

Me: Maybe he's a smoker?

S: Wouldn't put it past him…

Me: And an alchie…

S: Oh, definitely! He was totally chucking back the vodka daily!

Me: Sometimes he would drink a giant cocktail of whatever alcoholic drink he could find! Know why? Because he's Shan Yu, goddamnit, and he can!

S: But there was one thing he couldn't do in the end, and that was survive been tied to exploding fireworks! Pretty way to go, mind…

Me: That said, let's do the gravestone!

_Here Lies Shan Yu_

_Born – Well…. He looks to be in his 40's and Mulan was set during the Hun Dynasty… We're going to say…. We have NO idea!_

_Died – Why, when he exploded along with the pretty, bright fireworks of course! _

_. Are you telling me he can survive an avalanche but not FIREWORKS! For shame! _

_. What was up with his body! Grey skin, black sclera and yellow irises! WTF!_

_. He has an egg HEAD! Seriously, this man has the worst body proportion since Ratcliffe! _

_. We didn't see enough of him. _

_. What happened to his body! Cause I sure didn't see any body parts raining down on Mulan or the citizens afterwards! _

_. What is it with Disney villains having animal sidekicks that look EVIL! Maleficent had Diabolo the raven, Frollo had Snowball the horse (*Snickers*), and now Shan Yu with his falcon, Hauabusa! I want a Disney villain with an animal that looks NORMAL, DAMMIT! _

_. Conquering China and killing and attacking shit because he can! _

S: You know, it's funny… For a villain with no personality and a HUMOUNGOUS ego, he sure wasn't all that misogynistic. I mean, the citizens and a lot of the men in Shang's troops were, but he really wasn't… In fact, if I remember correctly, when Mulan revealed herself to be the 'male' soldier that attacked and almost killed him, he went berserk and tried to fight her. That may not sound much but I do find it interesting how he doesn't question how she, as a woman, could have done such a thing to him. He just accepts it and tries to fight her, woman be damned!

Me: The first and only villain to recognize that women aren't the inferior sex! Granted, he did so by trying to kill her but, you know, it's still noteworthy!

S: I reckon he got so pissed off, not because she was a woman, but because no one, up until that point, had ever threatened his life so effectively.

Me: AND wiped out half his troops!

S: I mean, his first two appearances he's calm as Hell and SO confident in his and his army's abilities. Then, this slip of a 'boy' comes out of nowhere and causes an avalanche to come down on him and his army! It'd be enough to shake anyone up, really!

Me: Shan Yu, in my opinion, is another villain who could have been so much more if he'd had more screen time.

S: I agree. He wasn't boring in any way and was actually quite menacing, but, in the few times he appears in Mulan, he comes across more like the Chinese version of the Terminator instead of a human being with a complex personality. He's set on kill mode permanently and seems to delight in it when he isn't thinking about conquering China. He's actually something like Thrax from Osmosis Jones. A villain who seems to stand out a bit too much because of their evilness compared to the overall tone of the film.

Me: Ah, well! He was entertaining and, for that, he's a step up from Madam Mim! Anyway, much to our chagrin, we now have to bash him in a poem. Get to it, S!

_**The Legend of Shan Yu**_

Me: Wait! Since when was Shan Yu a legend!

S: Because I said so! Now get out of my poem, you bitch!

Me: Fine! It's already been half an hour since you wrote the title and you STILL haven't wrote anything!

S: I'm wracking my brains here! It's hard to write a poem about a villain who didn't get much screen time!

_**Limericks about Shan Yu**_

_There once was a Disney villain called Shan Yu_

_And the goal to invade China was in his view. _

_But, his pride got in the way._

_He didn't even have time to pray. _

_Because he exploded and his soul bid the Earth __adieu. _

_So what happened when he went to Hell? _

_Well, when he got there he tried to rebel. _

_But, the demons are cruel,_

_They're the ones who rule. _

_So, now Shan Yu is constantly stuck in a cell. _

_The cell is small in length and size and very secure. _

_For a strong warrior like he it must be torture, we're sure. _

_He'll go insane in the end._

_The boredom, I can't comprehend. _

_I wonder just how long he'll be able to endure. _

_Oh well, don't expect any sympathy for your distress. _

_After all, it's your own fault your soul's now in this mess. _

_You evil, heartless dick, _

_You sure make us sick! _

_And we enjoy all your suffering, we must confess! _

Me: That's certainly something different this time. Limericks!

S: I thought it'd be a humorous contrast! You have an intimidating figure like Shan Yu who has no sense of humour whatsoever and sticks out like a sore thumb in the Disney universe, and then you have a bunch of limericks, rude, funny poems, to take the piss out of him!

Me: Why couldn't you have written a haiku about him! Maybe you wouldn't have spent an hour just staring at the title and telling me you were having a tough time thinking up something!

S: Haikus are JAPANESE, you bitch!

Me: I DON'T CARE! I just wanted to see you suffer writing one! :)

S: I really, really HATE YOU! :[

Me: Heard it all befooooooore!

S: Yes, well… I… SICK HER, MILO! DEFEND THE HONOUR OF YOUR MASTERRRRRR! :3

*Milo the puppy wags his tail at Hollie, stretches then lies down next to her while licking her hand.*

S: … _

Me: He's soooooo cute! ^^

S: Milo, you have disappointed me and brought shame onto my name! BAD DOG! VERY, VERY BAD DOG! ಠ_ಠ

Me: First, he wakes you up and won't leave you alone at 8am and now he won't stop trying to lick me, your enemy! Your dog clearly likes me better! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

S: YEAH, WELL THE CAT STILL HATES YOU!

Me: HE HATES YOU TOO!

S: ARGH! GET OUT OF MY DAD'S PLACE, NOW!

Me: No! Your dad likes me! Just like your mum likes me! You know what? I might even come back next week! :P

S: Well, next week… IF Hollie comes round, we'll be doing Madame Medusa!

Me: If not, then you'll have to wait at least another week because, on the 22nd of April, it's our-

Both: BIRTHDAY WEEK! :D

S: It stops for NO ONE!

Me: Not even the Disney villains! Or you lovely reviewers!

S: Soon as that's over though, we'll be back!

Me: With a vengeance!

S: Later then!

Me: Bye!


	22. Guess Who! Sorry we Took so Long!

***S and Hollie sneak in, takes a look around...***

Me: S! S! The coast is clear! I don't think anyone's waiting with weapons to punish us for leaving this so long!

S: Nearly 3 months...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU, might I remind you are the one with the job here!

Me: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me! I hate my boss...I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him...I FUCKING HATE HIM! And pray he never reads this! Actually, I don't give a fuck.

S: O_o Jesus Christ, woman... Sorry I even opened my mouth!

Me: Well, S, how's this...the next time you open that wide gob of yours to even mention HIM or THAT PUB, I'll see what said gob looks like with both of my fists in it!

S: Don't take your anger out on me! Take it out on your boss! :(

Me: I wish I could...I really, really do. Anyway, readers, what can we say except we're so sorry for leaving this so long. But I had some good news – I got my university result. I got a 2:1!

S: I still have one more year to complete. :( Pity me, everyone! PITY ME!

Me: Hey everyone! It's the 'S is a looooooooooser who has one more year' party tonight! All are welcome! S...you're the guest of honour!

S: Aww, thanks, that's so...HEY! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Me: *sniggers* Anyway, people, we've missed you all! And now, it's time for the long-awaited thanks! **SideshowJazz1** – thanks very much for your review and all others you've submitted. There's been a slight change of plan though, with this chapter, see below for details.

S: **Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff** – Yay we share the same birthday! That's a cool coincidence! Hollie and I love West Side Story, though I personally prefer Sweeney Todd, but you've gotta have some lightness, I suppose.

Me: LIGHTNESS? In West Side Story? Fuck, S, what version did YOU watch?

S: Hey, compared to Sweeney Todd, West Side Story IS light-hearted! ...Disregarding the ending of course...

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, YOU just keep telling yourself that, you twisted little...

S: Fuck off. Now AS I was saying before I was SO rudely interrupted... Milo is very cute, yes he is. BUT, he's also very annoying and won't stop licking people or barking at them. Still, wouldn't change the little bugger for the world! ^^

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Yes Amy, we will be tearing each other apart until the day we die, and will carry on doing so in Heaven, Hell or Limbo! No, I guess Disney films wouldn't ever dare to do that. Thanks for reviewing!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959 – **Well, if you're going to watch Disney for the first time, then Mulan is certainly a great place to start! I always liked Shan Yu as well; I just wished we saw more of the guy. That been said, though, I do realise that sometimes less is better and I'm sure Shan Yu's a good example of just that!

I believe my first Disney film was Sleeping Beauty! Didn't care much for Aurora or Phillip, but did find Maleficent and the fairies very entertaining! That and I had an episode of Mr. Bean taped right after the film! Haha!

Me: Okay guys...so it's with (not much. OK, not ANY) regret that I inform you that we won't be doing Madame Medusa today. S and I agreed that the last few chapters haven't been as good as it was in the beginning because there's not much to say about these people. So we sat and thought, what can we give you that you'll really like? Then the idea came to us!

S: So, it's with great pleasure that we give you...

Gaston Part 2!

S: Yeah, you read that right! Part 2!

Me: Yes indeed! We think we could improve his gravestone as well as do another great song as we think it's been the favourite so far!

S: Gaston has a special place in our spiteful, little hearts, it's true! And, really, you can never get too tired of insulting the great, egotistical, dickhead!

Me: So, readers, Since it's been SO long, it'll be Zira after this then, as a treat for you all, a very special chapter from the bottom of our hearts!

S: You hear that, readers! Not one chapter, not even two: THREE NEW CHAPTERS! :D

Me: Yep! For all our spite, and hate filled rants, we do love someone... what? NO, NOT EACH OTHER, YOU FREAKS! We mean YOU!

S: Insult them than tell them you love them in the same sentence. You sure know how to win them over, don't you? ¬¬

Me: That was two sentences, you DOUCHEBAG!

S: ...Fuck you!

Me: Thank you Casper and the Nostalgia Critic! NOW! Onto Gaston PART 2!

S: Won't take us long to improve upon the old gravestone! We only said ONE THING!

_Here lies Gaston_

_Born: The poor provincial town_

_Died: The Beast's Castle, France_

_. The REAL beast of the film!_

_. OK, let me get this straight: He had the Bimbettes, TRIPLETS, swooning over him and probably all too willing to have a foursome with him, and he decided he wants to marry the one woman who shows obvious disdain for him!_

_. Me thinks HE'S the crackpot who needs to get checked out by Monsieur D'Arque!_

_. For a villain who has a reputation for being a moron, his plans weren't half cunning! _

_. So he OPENLY admits his plan to force Belle to marry him and the villagers STILL think he's the bees fucking knees? What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?_

_. Hollie, I think it's safe to say that the villagers were a bunch of goddamn morons! I mean, the fucking opening song is about how they can't understand why Belle likes to READ so much. _

_. A bunch of morons? Well, then they must have been your ancestors then, S!_

_. ¬¬ Yeah... Well... If that's the case... THEN GASTON IS YOUR ANCESTOR! SUCK IT, BITCH!_

_. Hey, at least my ancestor is SMART, you !_

_. He was a sexist pig who didn't want daughters and saw women as inferior! He'd probably take one look at you and think, 'Why don't you have a dick!' _

_. The smartest man in the village...and the world's dumbest sidekick...not quite Batman and Robin, is it?_

_. At least LeFou was loyal and somewhat competent! A complete arsekisser but he did seem to care about Gaston! _

_. Care, as in "I care about you, Gaston", or care as in "I 'CARE' about you, Gaston!" _

_. You have a SICK mind! A SICK MIND! Plus, LeFou was half his bloody height! That would have made sleeping arrangements very uncomfortable!_

_. Are we REALLY having this conversation! This gravestone is getting FILTHY!_

_. Yeah, I think we are. Any other villains and their sidekicks you want to guess where 'into' each other? LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE STARTED! _

_.Hmmm...let's see...Iago and Jafar...Captain Hook and Smee...Horace and Jasper...Frollo and his horse (he called the damn thing SNOWBALL. Again, I repeat. What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck? At least Phoebus' horse's name had a good running joke!)_

_.OK, THAT'S IT! I've got nothing against homosexuality and some of my favourite fanfiction involves yaoi, but I draw the line at bestiality involving a skinny, emancipated man and a pious, geriatric fuck! This conversation is OVER! _

Me: Well...that was a...different gravestone...

S: Urgggggggh... Goddamnit... the images in my head of Frollo and his horse...

Me: And to think, S, our first chapter ever only had ONE thing written on the gravestone!

S: Jafar and Iago the parrot... Why...!

Me: For fuck's sake, S! Grow a pair, bleach your brain, and get back to work! What am I paying you for?

S: You pay me nothing. :(

Me: Your payment is staying in my goddamn house! You'd be on the streets now if not for me!

S: *Grumbles to herself*

Me: Right, let's do OUR version of Gaston Reprise!

S: Wait, how are we going to do this? We did the first song and he's dead, dead, DEAD! What can this song possibly be about?

Me: Oh, you will see, S. You will see... MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

S: *Sighs* ¬¬

"_LeFou, you bloody arsekisser-"_

"_A real sack of shit."_

"_So true!_

_But, his douchebag boss was just as awful,_

_And he's thankfully bid this world "adieu"._

_Now, I know this may sound crude and insulting,_

_When I say, "Hope you enjoyed the trip!"_

_See, it's funny because of the way that he died._

_Since he fell after losing his grip!_

"_No one falls like Gaston!"_

"_Drops from walls like Gaston!"_

"_Screams like a pussy and breaks his balls like Gaston!"_

"_We guarantee he'll be forgotten in a year!_

_Have fun in Hell!_

_Gaston!"_

Me: Breaks his balls? Well, there goes his dream of having "six or seven strapping young boys" up in smoke!

S: Or, bone dust! Honestly, from the height he fell, I think breaking his balls was the LEAST of his worries!

Me: Well, this was a fun chapter to re-do! Even funnier now that we're writing this while playing the Harry Potter drinking game!

S: Yes, Goblet of Fire! Drink every time 1. Something happens that wasn't in the book.

Me: Yeah, even though that's like 99% of the fucking film!

S: 2. Dumbledore has a violent or mysterious moment. 3. The twins speak in unison. 4. Snape appears, says "Potter" or is, in general, a dick.

Me: Just like my boss, Steven (aka. Gollum). Grrrrr, I hate him so much! Guys, if you've ever held any love for me, please, punch this guy right in the face! HARD!

S: And, lastly, 5. Every time Hermione's acting sucks – bonus if she has a know-it-all moment or her eyebrows rise... Well, fuck... We'll be dead by the end of this movie.

Me: We're 24 minutes into this movie and we've already gone through two glasses.

S: Hollie?

Me: Yes, S?

S: NEVER DO A TWILIGHT DRINKING GAME! I WON'T LIVE! DO YOU HEAR ME! . . . ! O_o

Me: As much as I've LOVE to see that, I'd rather live with Gollum and work for him for the rest of my life!

S: As your friend and enemy, my advice is that you quit and then insult him in Welsh AND Japanese before leaving!

Me: What's the Japanese word for "Dumbass!" again?

S: Bakayaro! ^^

Me: I doubt he knows Japanese, so I think I shall call him that and lie by saying I'm complimenting him!

S: Insulting your boss behind his back... Yeah, we can all relate to that! :P

Me: Remember Helena and "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess?"

S: Promise me this, you WILL say this to her at graduation! My hope and dreams were that I'd be there to witness you saying it, but, alas, I'm stuck at the fucking university for one more year. YOU MUST BE THE ONE TO SAY IT! Hollie, YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE!

Me: Oh, fuck off, Voldemort! Oh, and readers, little fact here! You pronounce his name with a silent T, as "Voldemore", not "Voldemort!" Get it right, FILM!

S: Please... we don't have to drink every time they pronounce his name wrong, do we?

Me: Yes, yes we do... BECAUSE IT WASN'T IN THE FUCKING BOOK!

S: *Groans* Kill me...

Me: I will, when we've finished this story! Until the next chapter! ^^

S: *Grumbles and can't bear watching any more of the film* Bye...


	23. Of Heroes and Princesses

Me: Say, S!

S: What?

Me: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but, it seems to me, that we seem to hate a few Disney HEROS!

S: Hmmm... You know, you're right!

Me: Why don't we RANT about them! :P

S: Yeah, a special, bonus chapter for our faithful, lovely readers!

Me: First off, let's reply to our reviewers! **DarkDancer07 – **Thank you Amy, I knew that there would be a willing volunteer out there somewhere! Thanks, glad you enjoyed it, and you can bet your bottom dollar that when we DO get around to our Twilight story, there won't be ONE SINGLE good thing to say about it! The 'Vampires Suck' appreciation thread starts here!

S: **Solaria daughter of Apollo** – A new reviewer! Yay! Funnily enough, we came across the lyrics and some videos of the theatre version of Gaston and, yep, you're right, Gaston IS more outrageous in it! He's definitely a lot more open about his villainy in it! "I won't even be mildly remorseful", indeed!

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Yes, yes we're back, so you just put down that weapon...cos I have a better one. I call her S! Yes, Gaston is just so much fun to mock; there will be part 3 before you know it! Oh...yuck...that image is forever imprinted on my poor brain... Thanks for reviewing!

S: Part 3! How many times can we make fun of him falling off a building, Hollie!

Me: And to think you call yourself a creative writer! *Tut, tut, tut!*

S: Hey, there's creative writing and then there's beating a dead horse! ...Or dead, splattered corpse in this case... ¬¬

Me: Yeah, but it's Gaston! He's a dick!

S: *Grumbles* **Rainlily216** – Another new reviewer! Welcome! We promise we don't bite! Well... I don't at least. *Edges away from Hollie who's trying to do just that to her* HAHA! Oh, the IRONY! We had Medusa planned months ago and then we put her on hold for the next chapters! Well, we promise that, as soon as Zira and this chapter are done, we will do Medusa! And Morgana is DEFINITELY on our list as well! :)

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – Thanks for reviewing. Yes, we're opening it up to Disney characters, but really only by request or by the most iconic ones, but don't worry, Ariel is certainly on the list!

S: In fact, a lot of the Disney heroes and heroines are on the list! Doesn't mean that we hate them, per se... Just that they has aspects to their character which piss us off A LOT! Which brings us to...

Heroes and Princesses - Things we Didn't Like

Me: So folks! We're going to be going through the most iconic Disney films, point out their flaws according to us (and by the way – our word is LAW! Our Law is final!)

S: And just all around bitch to our heart's content – cos it's all we ever seem to do.

Me: Well, we're GOOD at it!

S: True, and I doubt the readers would want to read about us saying how much we LOVE something – where would be the fun in THAT!

Me: NOWHERE, that's what! Oh, and we're only going to do films we've BOTH seen or ones we have something to complain about! Wouldn't be much fun if only one of us had seen the film!

S: So, without further ado, let's start with the one that started it all... **Snow White!**

Me: Has there ever been a MORE annoying Princess? And for fuck sake, she's 14! The Prince is at least in his twenties? Paedophilia much?

S: Wait, he's a MAN! Considering how he appears to be wearing lipstick, I thought he was a She-man rivalling Sarousch!

Me: And he's also...very, very BLAND! For god's sake Disney, why didn't you just ADD that scene with him in the dungeon?

S: Yeah, but if they'd done that than they wouldn't have been able to insert said scene into Sleeping Beauty instead – which was a FAR better film, it can't be denied! Honestly, it all comes to down to the fact that they found the Prince hard to animate!

Me: Well, it shows! ¬¬ I think the Prince has to be the only Disney hero/prince who has no name! Which is quite fitting, really, since he had no personality either!

S: Well, apparently his name was either Prince Ferdinand or Prince Florian – though the Hell if I know which one of the two it really is! Does it even matter considering how he only appears for two rather short scenes?

Me: Not really, no. One thing I didn't like about this film was how Snow White was essentially a stereotypical, housewife, doing the cleaning, cooking and housework for the seven dwarves! I know it was set in a time when that was kind of acceptable, but still...

S: To be fair, Snow White was the one offering... I personally have a bigger problem with how she and the Prince fall in love with one another upon first sight and get married at the end! Not only because she's 14, but because... well... their love is so shallow!

Me: Yeah at least in Beauty and the Beast, they LEARNT to love one another! For all the Prince knew, Snow White could have been a whiny nightmare to live with! And for all SHE knew, he could have been an abusive dickhead!

S: Case closed! Now onto... **Pinocchio!**

Me: For. Fuck. SAKE! Make up you fucking mind about what fucking villain you would like to fucking use and stick the fuck to the one fucking one! GEEZ!

S: I get how Monstro, Stromboli, the Coachman, Honest John and Gideon were all in the book, but, when adapted to a movie, it's all over the place! Which reminds me: Readers, we want YOU to tell us who you want us to take the piss of!

Me: And Pinocchio himself! Gee, if there was ever a character who would NOT learn from a mistake!

S: Tell me about it! No matter how many times Gepetto, Jiminy Cricket and the Blue Fairy warned him, he never seemed to learn! I mean, shortly after the Stromboli incident, when he's walking back home with Jiminy and they encounter Honest John and Gideon again, Jiminy tells him to avoid them this time and what does Pinocchio do? Seconds right after he says "Bye, Jiminy!" and leaves with them? WTF! I swear, that little wooden puppet is a goddamn troll! A TROLL, I SAY!

Me: Geppetto, next time PLEASE be careful what you wish for!

S: Yeah! I mean, isn't that just typical! You wish to a blue fairy for your beloved puppet to be a real boy and the little wooden shit's actions causes you to end up in the stomach of a fucking WHALE! Gepetto's lucky that bitch didn't charge for wishes!

Me: Urgh that whale! The moral of Pinocchi seems to be 'don't talk to strangers' and the stupid little wooden freak can't get it through his thick wooden head! FFS, I'LL use him for firewood!

S: Eh, he redeems himself at the end... Though I don't know what Jiminy did that was so damn special he got himself a medal from the fairy at the end. He FAILED as a conscience!

Me: Well, you can't fault the bum for at least trying. Man... Bug... Whatever, had the patience of a saint to deal with Pinocchio!

S: True, true. Right! Moving on! Now, **Bambi**!

Me: BAMBI'S MUUUUUUUM! D':

S: *Doesn't give a shit* Yeaaaah, Bambi's Mum...

Me: Hold on! Are you telling me you don't CARE that his Mum got shot and killed! WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU!

S: I just didn't get as upset as other people did while watching the film! I was more saddened by Mufasa's death! Truth be told, I tried watching this film recently, and it was REALLY hard! Doesn't have much of plot to it and it draws a bit too long by the end!

Me: Yeah, to be fair, the death of Bambi's Mum is the most memorable thing about the film.

S: And, I find it kinda hard to take the scene seriously when we fade right after to happy music and birds fucking singing! Come on!

Me: Ha, ha, ha, that is rather laughable. Buuuuuuuut...yeah...not so much of a plot to this film.

S: That's really all we can say about it, isn't it? Anything else you want to bring up?

Me: Nooooope. Right, now onto **Cinderella**!

S: Yeah, this is NOT one of my favourite Disney films, I'll tell you that now! Lady Tremaine was a wonderful villain but, then, anyone would look villainous next to Saint Cinderella!

Me: Ugh I know! 'Oh it's OK! I'll just sit here happily and take being treated like utter shit! Fuck. OFF!

S: I get it, she's a really, really nice person, but, if the moral of Cinderella really is, "If you're good and life sucks, then keep your chin up and happiness will come to you eventually" then that's a pretty shit message to get across to children!

Me: Yeah, and what if happiness DOESN'T come your way? You're supposed to stand there with a stupid happy smile and keep on bearing it? Fuck. The. Fucking. Hell. Off!

S: Why do you keep saying that!

Me: It's my catchphrase!

S: Do I have a catchphrase?

Me: 'LOOOOOOOOOOOSER!'

S: I mean one I say, you bitch!

Me: 'WTF', maybe? Definitely something with profanity in it!

S: You know who cares! Catchphrases are meaningless! I don't need one. ¬¬

Me: Yep only cos you have no personality.

S: WTF! I HAVE PERSONALITY! I'M OOZING WITH PERSONALITY! :O

Me: HAHA! You have a catchphrase!

S: ...Fuck you!

Me: Back to the movie, I found Prince Charming rather annoying as well. Doesn't really DO anything and he didn't even try to find Cinderella himself!

S: Looked like a miserable sod, but can you blame him! Look at his father! There's another king who'd no doubt drive me to homicidal thoughts!

Me: You really have something against the Kings and father figures in the Disney films, don't you, S?

S: The majority of them are a pain in the arse, if you ask me. *Shrugs*

Me: OK, now for **Alice in Wonderland**. Urgh! Sooooooooo annoying! She has the same voice as Wendy from Peter Pan so that makes watching the film even worse!

S: Even talks the same way, too! "Oh, Mr. Rabbit! Mr. Rabbiiiiiit! Wait!" SHUT UP and get back up that rabbit hole you fell down!

Me: Silly girl! She needs a good slap!

S: When you think about it, none of the characters in Alice in Wonderland are all that likeable. Though I suppose I can't really complain about that since Wonderland is, ultimately, a dream Alice was having – Dreams NEVER make sense and we never question them or realise the absurdity of them when we're having them!

Me: Unless we have nightmares – then we just wake up screaming and are convinced it's real!

S: It was definitely a nightmare Alice was having! Talking flowers with faces bullying her – an obese, complete mad Queen who seems to have a fetish for beheading people and wants her head... The Cheshire Cat... Woah! I've just realised something!

Me: What?

S: Well, since the Disney films are sometimes in the same universes – Aladdin and Hercules meet in the TV series, same with Jafar and Hades – What if the Cheshire Cat is really Chaos, the God that appears in the Aladdin TV series? He's heavily based after the Cheshire Cat with his smile been the only thing left when he disappears, and he's got the same neutral, mischievous personality...

Me: Could be, could be... Alice WAS bored by the normality of her life at the start of the film and wished she could live in a place like Wonderland.

S: Yeah, and Chaos hates normality and likes things to be unpredictable and fun! Seriously, I'm liking the idea of Chaos granting Alice's wish and sending her to Wonderland and then playing pranks and been an all round troll to her before sending the kid back to the real world at the end when she couldn't take it anymore! xD

Me: I wish the annoying bitch had stayed there AND got caught by the Queen!

S: You know she's 12 years old...

Me: Don't care! If she doesn't want to get into trouble than she shouldn't follow strangers or things that clearly go against reality!

S: Heh, harsh! OK, next is **Peter Pan!** Oh boy, do we have plenty to say about this film!

Me: Wendy...Wendy...Wendy...FUCKING WENDY!

S: It's the voice – the goddamn voice! It seriously grates on the mind! That and she was so whiny, needy and stupid!

Me: Which is amazing since Wendy was actually trying to act older than her age!

S: The film is OK, I think... It's entertaining but the bits with Hook are definitely the best parts of the film! The rest left me feeling a little pissed off since the majority revolved around Wendy and Peter together. And it was ALWAYS the same thing: 1. Wendy and Peter explore or do something together. 2. Something happens to Wendy and Peter either doesn't notice or doesn't care. 3. Wendy gets frustrated or upset and sulks. 4. Repeat.

Me: Yep – it was just Groundhog Day. The best thing was Hook and the Crocodile!

S: No doubt about it! Oh and Smee! Never forget Smee!

Me: Probably the one person who doesn't hate Hook and is always by his side.

S: It's ALWAYS refreshing to see a villain-sidekick relationship that isn't based solely around abuse and fear! More on that later! *CoughSequelsCough*

Me: Moving swiftly on, no onto **Sleeping Beauty**! What a bland princess!

S: We really can't stress that one enough! Even before she fell into the coma she was pretty damn boring!

Me: I mean, seriously? She was the TITLE character and barely in any of it? Kids, the 'Rename Sleeping Beauty to Maleficent' petition begins here!

S: That or 'Fairies – The Cause of, and Solution to, All of Life's Problems'!

Me: Meh. I don't know why they even bothered giving Aurora a name. . . Point!

S: Had to give the Prince a reason to saaaaaave her and it's Disney so there needed to be a couuuuuuuuple in this and, you know, she's beauuuuuuuuutiful and- *sighs* Whatever, it was named after the emotional broad and that's that!

Me: SIGH! Maleficent – the greatest thing about the film. What a voice!

S: She was so utterly evil and had such style! Her plan to imprison Philip until he was an old man and THEN release him to break the spell on Aurora was just fantastic!

Me: What a bitch! But then, one of the best villains!

S: It was Aurora's mother and father's faults! You have to be two of the biggest idiots if you're all afraid of Maleficent, call her "your Excellency" and DON'T invite her to christening of your newborn daughter. Why bother asking her if she's offended, of course she damn was! Didn't they think it would come to bite them back in the arse! She was REALLY powerful, after all!

Me: Well there is always some thickos in Disney. Moving on... **Aladdin!**

S: OK, this might get some people going "How could you!" buuuuuuut, I'm not that big a fan of Aladdin himself... He's got some great traits but his bad traits annoy me to no end, and it's made all the worse by the fact that he reminds me of my brother.

Me: He was a bit of a cocky git, wasn't he?

S: It's also pretty noticeable in the TV series. With Aladdin, he tends to be VERY arrogant and hot-blooded about some things and there's ALWAYS the fact that he underestimates Jasmine in some way or lies to her! That been said, I like how Aladdin isn't absolute perfect or bland like some of the earlier Princes. *Glares at Prince Ferdinand/Florian or whatever the Hell his name is*

Me: True, true, he is at least realistic in all his flaws. Remember, he is a 'diamond in the rough.'

S: I guess you could say I have a hate-love kind of feeling for the guy. I like Aladdin but BOY can I understand some villains dislike for the guy and his attitude! Now, as for Genie! I like Genie in the first movie and the first movie only. After that he got ANNOYING!

Me: Urgh...I only watched the sequels...but yeah...I do see what you mean.

S: And you ALL know my hate for the Sultan! I mean, my GOD! Mufasa dies in Lion King but this fat, sack of crap doesn't!

Me: S, your trampoline is over there!

S: YAY, TRAMPOLINE! :D But, in all seriousness, I rate the Sultan up there with Maurice as 'Disney Fathers I HATE!'

Me: Yep, definitely gotta hate those two. Both morons who make their daughter's lives more difficult and have really bad judgement!

S: OK, next on our list is The Hunchback of Notre Dame! Love this film with all my heart but I just can't believe Phoebus got the girl in the end!

Me: Yeah, Esmeralda just HAD to go for the hotter guy in the end!

S: And it can't even be mostly because of personality reasons, because Quasimoda has got to be the SWEETEST Disney hero EVER!

Me: What kind of moral is that! Beauty is within as well as out but that means shit all when it comes to romance! The novel had the same message but at least it was portrayed negatively, with Esmeralda coming across as a hormone-controlled, idiotic teenager!

S: Even more infuriating, Disney must have realised how bad that message came across because they made the sequel which actually give Quasimodo a love interest. And look how THAT turned out!

Me: Let's not even mention her name.

S: So many things wrong with that sequel... Main one starting with S and ending in H...

Me: Just like your name, S!

S: DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE ME TO SAROUSCH! HE WAS SCUM!

Me: Yeah, yeah. Well, we've said PLENTY about our hatred for THAT particular sequel. Now for the other sequels!

S: Starting with **Return of Jafar**! Remember when I mentioned how I liked villain-sidekick relationships that weren't portrayed negatively? Well, WHY DID THEY HAVE TO TURN IAGO GOOOOOOOOD! He's named after the villain of Othello for Pete's sake!

Me: SIGH! IAGO in Othello would NEVER have done THAT! ARGH!

S: Iago and Jafar had such funny, entertaining chemistry and it really came across that the two appreciated each other and saw each other as 'buddies'. Am I meant to believe that just because Jafar got a little rude to Iago after he escaped the lamp in the sequel, that's reason enough to betray him! Come on! He put up with crackers been shoved in his mouth day in and day out for God knows how long!

Me: Sigh. Oh Sequels, why oh why do you have to ruin everything?

S: We could moan until the cows come home about the sequels Disney churns out – we really could! But, well, then it'd end up long enough to be considered its own fic!

Me: Just know that our opinions of the sequels are, at best, that some are OK, and, at worst, utterly, utterly TERRIBLE!

S: Right, that's our bonus chapter done! Next chapter will be Zira!

Me: Yes, until then!

Both: BYE!


	24. Zira

S: Man, I'm feeling a little trapped today!

Me: Why is that?

S: Oh, I don't know... I reckon it's because I have Milo with me for the night at mums and just all the noise! The TV's on loudly, my twin brother is yelling and playing his iPad loudly, my mum's boyfriend does EVERYTHING loudly! It's just too much for me to deal with in one room!

Me: Keep your hair on! They'll be off soon!

S: AND, I have to sleep on the couch when I have a doctor's appointment at 9.20 tomorrow! I was actually looking forward to getting a good night's sleep but I can't because twin brother decided to throw a tantrum and refuse to go to my dad's! URGGGH!

Me: Take a deep breath and count to 10! Look! Your mum and her boyfriend have left now!

S: Oh thank God!

Me: Right, now that S's stress levels have gone down, let' now thank our reviewers! **Solaria daughter of Apollo** – Correction! The Prince's name is either Ferdinand or Florian, though it's unknown which of the two it is. As for the Beast, yes, we did know his name was Adam! Suits him!

S: **princess of the negaverse** – Thank you for your lovely review! When it comes to Bambi, for me, I always remember him and Thumper in the ice skating scene. Not sure why. As for the rest... Well, I'm sure there's always going to be some who agree with us and some who don't. Tons of people love the Little Mermaid but, I for one don't care much for it.

Me: **SideshowJazz1** - Well, allow me to let out a great big rant about how, YES, the Lion King and its sequels WERE inspired by Shakespeare's Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet! Certainly a hell of a lot more than Aladdin, who's only connection to Othello was the villain's sidekick been named after the play's villain, Iago! Can they not honestly see the similarities!? I can see where you're coming from about Cinderella compared to Aurora and Snow White, but I still stand by what I said! I would have liked her to have been less passive-aggressiveness and more telling Lady Tremaine and her stepsisters to go fuck themselves! :P

S: **TheDisnerd **– Oh can I assume that you're a rocky horror picture show fan? Thank you for taking the time to review and we hope you enjoy the chapter of Zira!

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959**: Oh God, they're absolutely atrocious aren't they? It's just...urgh. How can they ruin such excellent films with sequels! They'll be remaking them in about 10 years time! For Christ's Sake, just LEAVE THEM AS THEY ARE! I'd better stop too, before my blood pressure hits the roof! Thanks again.

S: **Miss Magenta Lestrange** – thanks for reviewing, we're glad you like it!

Me: **DarkDancer07 **– Oh Amy, Amy, Amy, do you actually want an answer to that question? Well, some of the things about these movies absolutely suck and even though I DID like them when I was little, I don't any more. Thanks anyway for reviewing!

Zira

S: One of the few Disney villains in a sequel that was any good!

Me: Oh yeah, at least they put actual effort into Zira! WHERE WAS ALL OF THE EFFORT INTO THE OTHERS, YOU LAZY FUCKING DOUCHBAGS?

S: You tell them, Hollie! Where was all your creativity with Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea!? Or should I say, Little Mermaid 2: Exactly the same as the first movie, only with a human wanting to become a mermaid! IT WAS THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE!

Me: SIGH! Zira was sly, funny and let's face it, just downright evil! Where was the love and respect for her children?! Nuka, much?!

S: Let's not forget Vitani! "If you will not fight, then YOU will die as well!" SHEESH! Talk about ruthless! I'm not sure even Lady Tremaine was that nasty to Anastasia when she turned good!

Me: Bitch, utter bitch! Well, her name DOES mean 'hate' in Swahili.

S: Most fitting name EVER! She's so full of it that it makes her neglect her eldest son to the point he ends up fatally hurting himself in an attempt to win her respect! It's even worse in the deleted scene of his death where he says to her, "Well, I finally got your attention, didn't I?" How much of an awful mother do you have to be that your SON says that right before he dies!?

Me: His last hurrah, no? Well, HER last hurrah was supposed to be committing suicide at the end, but of course, it's too 'adult' for a Disney film. For the love of GOD America, what the hell is with you? You can do something as dark and scary as The Black Caldron (so I hear through word of mouth) but not add in that? Sheesh, can you STOP censoring things?!

S: But, Hollie! We have to think of the precious, innocent children's minds! If they cried at Bambi's death, however would they react to, you know, a character killing themselves!?

Me: Would they even understand, do you think, about suicide and all? I mean, really, it's the parents' choice what they let their kids see! I'm sick of their constant censoring, cos not only does it take away the impact and emotion, it totally ruins films! In particular, remakes of Japanese films! FUCK. YOU!

S: You know something? No, no they wouldn't! Remember Hellfire from Hunchback? How it was all about how Frollo wanted to fuck the shit out of Esmeralda? I saw that film for the first time when I was eight years old and I had NO idea what the Hell that song was about! Didn't traumatise me in anyway, I just enjoyed the song. Parents need to loosen up and stop treating their kids like little angels (cause chances are they're not and the world's a harsh place and they're gonna be a part of it one day)! Oh, and don't get me started on the censoring of Japanese films or censorship of anime or manga in general!

Me: Fucking stupid dickheads! What, just because THEY recoil at the slightest mention of the cruelty of the world, that makes us delicate little babies, too fragile to handle what goes on out there!? Grow a pair! Grow some balls! Either way, GET OVER IT! The world is cruel!

S: The world is wicked!

Me: I think we've made our point! On with the gravestone!

_Here Lies Zira_

_Born: She's a goddamn LION! How the Hell are we supposed to know!? _

_Died: When she fell into the rapid waters below... _

_. She killed herself, Disney, you can't fool US! Look at that smile of glee and madness as she fell!_

_.Gee, why all the hate for Nuka? What if Scar had chosen him and not Kovu to follow in his manky pawprints?_

_. Why did he even CHOOSE Kovu? Nuka, apparently, was his biological son and did resemble him a hell of a lot more than Kovu did! _

_"I'll NEVER let it go!" Ha ha ha! I'm sorry, lady, but that is EXACTLY what you did! !_

_. So, your master plan involves letting your son hang around the daughter of your sworn enemy and becoming a member of their pride lands. Well, that sure worked out well, didn't it!? The daughter and your son TOTALLY won't fall in love! _

_. Meh, I'm sure she thought he wouldn't after all the work she did brainwashing him. And I'm sure she knew that he knew what would happen if he became a double-crosser. Just the same as what WOULD have happened to Vitani, I'm sure!_

_. Well, she clearly didn't do enough of a good job brainwashing him because it didn't take him long to be swayed and start liking Kiara. Seriously, if she's going to blame anyone, she should be blaming herself for been such a shit mother! _

_. So she spent most of her life dreaming up ways to kill Simba. I'm not sure who the BIGGEST loser is – her for that, or Gaston's attempts to make Belle marry him. _

_. Let's not forget Benedict who made it his life's mission to get revenge on Principle Prickley and end summer holidays! He's the reigning champion so far for longest years to hold a grudge! _

Me: The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride is actually pretty impressive. I like how Scar plays a central part, even though he's dead! It's very good with continuity! Unlike Hunchback 2, where Frollo is barely mentioned! Surely the sort of emotional abuse he inflicted on Quasimodo would stay with him, EVEN if he is dead? Emotional scars don't heal THAT quickly!

S: Of course, Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea is an example of continuity at its worse! The only mention we get of Ursula is that Morgana is her crazy, younger sister and hated her because Ursula was the favourite when it came to their mother. How lazy is that!? They weren't even trying with that movie, were they?

Me: S, I'm sure ALL those greedy bastards had in their eyes were pound signs, dollar signs, euro signs - you get the point!

S: Or, in Hunchback 2's point, Japanese people not knowing what the fuck was going on and just doing what they were told to with what little knowledge they had. That's the only way I can explain the abomination that was that piece of shit!

Me: Well, S, it's time for you to do your absolute worst for the poem!

S:...

_She was out of her mind, deluded, _

_If she thought her plan would work. _

_With the way she treated them all, _

_no doubt she was a jerk. _

_All her children were unhappy._

_As a mother, boy, she sure sucked._

_Everything she did was crappy,_

_So, of course, she would end up fucked. _

_Her grin as she fell to her death! _

_Laughing as she drew her laugh breath! _

_She's back with Scar, deep down below! _

_In Hell, filled with woe!_

Me: Well, I have to admit, that suits her down to the ground, every last word of it!

S: I would have done more, but her song is hard to change because Nuka keeps interrupting and Zira switches the tone a lot! Ah well! I'm happy with it!

Me: I bet she's bipolar!

S: Naaaaah! She's just one crazy bitch who's obsessed with her dead, ex boyfriend!

Me: Ha ha ha, and spent years to get revenge for it, such a saddo! And look where it got her! Dead, dead, DEAD!

S: And her supporters turned against her! Up until the point she threatened to kill her daughter, she still had lionesses sympathetic to her cause!

Me: And another thing – why were there so few many male lions in the outlands. Just Nuka and Kovu on my last count!

S: Isn't this true to real life? Isn't there one dominant male lion and one or two other lying around and the rest are lioness who the main lion impregnates?

Me: Urgh, nature is so cruel. Anyway, Zira, you lost yourself. JUST LIKE YOU , S, YOU DRUNKEN ALCOHOL VIRGIN! HA HA HA! S, you are such a big !

S: YOU'RE DRUNK TOO, YOU BITCH! SO, YOU CAN DIE AND GO TO HELL! NOW! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Me: Hey, S, how many fingers am I holding up? ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

S: ¬¬ …Fuck you!

Me: Fuck you too bitch! Go and get some more baileys and learn to control it! Jeez, it's a good thing you have ME as your drinking teacher! What would you do without me, S?

S: Not drink or swear at all? I reckon I'd be a goddamn saint if I didn't have you around!

Me: Come on! You're glad to have me as your friend! Anyway, getting the alcohol was YOUR idea! Where do you keep the secret stash, bitch?! It's share and share alike around here!

S: Oh, but of course I have a secret stash *Rolls eyes* You'll find some vodka under my pillow! I take a swig from it every morning – it numbs the pain! *Rolls eyes*

Me: Urgh, straight vodka. OK, that's it, next time you come to mine, you're coming to THAT pub, and we're having a drinking shot night! No arguments!

S: I'll be dead half an hour in – no doubt about it.

Me: GOOD! Well, I think we'd best go, so S can savour her last few weeks of life. Muahahahaha! But before we do, we have some news to share – S and I have created our own website, the link of which can be found in our profile. There's also an msn address, so if anyone would like to add us, please feel free! We'd be happy to talk to y'all! _I _don't bite! I promise.

S: LIES! All you ever TRY to do is bite me!

Me: Shut up you lying bitch! Anyway, until next time! Adios!

S: Until next time! We'll be back with another special chapter….SAROUSCH PART 2


	25. Sarousch Part II

Me: Dear God… It's so hot! S, I'm melting! I'm melllllting!

S: I didn't even throw any water onto you!

Me: FUCK YOOOOOOOU! If you were a real friend, you would have!

S: Hey, I'm suffering in this heat as well!

Me: Fuck off! YOU'RE not the one melting!

S: No, I'm the one drowning in Malibu and coke!

Me: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSS SSSSEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

S: :(

Me: Right now, London is having a heat wave. And, because we're used to rainy, cold weather in England, this is pretty hard for us to deal with!

S: Hah! Speak for yourself! I once went to Iraq on holiday. DURING THE SUMMER! The house we were in had a power cut the first night there!

Me: Ooooh dear.

S: It was so hot, that when my family and I got off the plane in Baghdad, my dad says I turned and went, "who put the heating up?" THAT HOT, HOLLIE!

Me: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSS SSSSEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

S: You've said that already! Be more creative!

Me: Errrrm… FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

S: Let's just thank the reviewers already… ¬¬

Me: First of all, **Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff** – Don't worry, I would never drink straight vodka, even if someone held a gun to my head and said, "drink it or I'll shoot you!" Oh, and for the record, neither would S! She was just kidding when she said she had a bottle of vodka under her pillow! S is a straight up alcohol virgin if ever I saw one! I don't care if S's sanity cannot take this chapter – besides, she's already pretty out of her mind as it is! I didn't enjoy Pocahontas 2 that much and found it incredibly boring. I can understand why her going off with Rolf in the end would piss you off so much, since it pisses S off as well. Honestly, making Pocahontas historically accurate just wouldn't have worked, so why they tried to do this for the sequel makes no sense to me! Heh, the fairy tales for Cinderella and Snow White sure had some pretty dark undertones to them, didn't they? But, I guess, so did most of the fairy tales!

S: **Solaria daughter of Apollo** - I don't think there's anyone who's ever watched Hunchback 2 who liked Sarousch in any way! Definitely one of Disney's crappier villains!

Me: **Rainlily216** – Zira is definitely one of the best psychos to come out of Disney sequel land! About the deleted scene where she's talking to Scar as if he's really there with her, I didn't know about that! I'll check it out some time on Youtube! Thanks for mentioning it to me!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – URGH! Are you kidding me? The trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 really had to be cut because the audience was too scared!? And… they're watching a film about vampires… Wait, I'm sorry, that's insulting to vampires! Sparkling fairies is more accurate! Honestly, doesn't surprise me though, given how some of the fans are like! If you want to see Twilight fans at their worst, I suggest you watch NuttyMadam on Youtube. She's just… I have no words for that mess of a human being… She's Annie Wilkes in the flesh, she is! O_o Ah, yes, the Little Mermaid prequel! I've heard much about it and decided long ago I was NOT going to bother watching it. Isn't it just amazing how Disney has SO MUCH material they can use for a sequel, yet they wind up making absolute crap the majority of the time?

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – I thought it was all a coincidence, but, according to S, she put that in on purpose, knowing it'd harken back to Frollo! It sucks that those girls won't believe you, but you know what? Fuck them! You're in the right, you know it, we know it, everyone apart from those girls know it, so who cares if they don't believe you! Just sit back and be smug about it! ;)

S: **gravity5** – Thank you for the review! Yes, we plan to do the Queen of Hearts at some point! She is indeed on our list, don't you worry about that! :)

Me: **DarkDancer07** – I will forever hold it against you that you once liked those disgusting, Disney sequels, Amy! I mean, Rescuers Down Under, Lion King 2 and the Toy Story sequels aside, they were all AWFUL! Awful animation, awful plot, awful music, awful EVERYTHING!

S: **KWP** – Thank you for reviewing, and of course we will! ^^ How could we ever leave Ms de Vil out when it was her who made 101 Dalmatians watchable!

Sarousch Part 2

S: You just had to convince me to go and do this, didn't you?

Me: Come on, S, you know you love insulting Sarousch! There's nothing like a good healthy rant to get out those bottled up frustrations! Remember that letter I wrote?

S: True… And Sarousch did set the standard for how awful a Disney villain can be!

Me: NOBODY can possibly top Sarousch in the worst villain stakes!

S: I honestly cannot think of another villain who was as bad as this guy – it really doesn't help that the villain who came before him, Frollo, was sooooo much better in every possible way!

Me: Just, in general, the whole film was dark, and then we suddenly switch to some poor, pathetic, soppy sap called Madellaine and a little boy who is completely Caucasian when he should be fucking MIXED RACE?! With songs like "I'd stick with you" and whatever that fucking song was that celebrated the festival. And, whatever happened to the Feast of Fools!?

S: Same thing that happened to Clopin's dark skin, the animation, the songs, and the fucking children of Paris! A couple of years must have passed for Phoebus and Esmeralda to have a young son, yet the children from the first movie haven't aged one bit! What the Hell is that? I know I probably said that in the first chapter, but it's such a glaring goof in this awful film that I couldn't NOT mention it again!

Me: I don't think we could emphasise enough just how terrible this film is!

S: It really is THAT awful. The Aladdin and Pocahontas sequels were terrible films, yeah, but at least they brought back good villains…even if they DID completely destroy them.

Me: Urgh, can you imagine if Frollo lived in The Hunchback of Notre Dame and they brought him back for the sequel? Can you imagine what they would have DONE? He'd probably come back as a transvestite or something!

S: "I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a loveeeeeeer! I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transexual, Transylvania!" Sorry, couldn't resist!

Me: I bet not if they'd brought Frollo back as one with flowers in his hair…

S: I'm torn between finding that image hilarious and wanting to tear my eyes out… Regardless, it still would have been far, FAR better than Sarousch!

Me: Urgh, it would be very, very difficult to be worse than Sarousch! God, even Team Rocket are better! Then again, given how dumb Ash, Misty and Brock are, falling for every disguise they pull on them, maybe that's too harsh!

S: Disney has made some pretty bad prequels, midquels and sequels to their classic films, and only in very rare cases do they turn out to be very good, but Hunchback 2 has got to be up there with the worst of the worst! And it's allllll because of Sarousch! Why don't we do a step-by-step of why we hate him so?

Me: Oh, God, readers, be very afraid! Let's see…he's conceited!

S: Oh so conceited! And he doesn't even have a good excuse to be that way! He's really fat, balding and his 'makeup' isn't all that much better. Sure he may be skinnier and have more hair, but he isn't any prettier! If God tried to make a gender that was BOTH male and female…well then we'd have Sarousch!

Me: He's a paedophile. To. The. Max!

S: I don't know WHAT Sarousch is! Sometimes he seems incredibly pervy towards Madellaine, other times he seems like an offensive portrayal of a stereotypical gay man, and then, the most famous one of all, he seems to be completely in love with himself! With the way he looks at himself in the mirror, he's definitely thinking, 'Yeah, I'd definitely fuck me!'

Me: Urgh, can you imagine if he actually cloned himself and made a woman. Urgh, just, urgh!

S: Thankfully, Sarousch would never be able to do that! Of course, if he had internet, then he'd most definitely be looking up some depraved shit!

Me: And I'm sorry, what sort of idiot thinks he can steal a BELL, and get it out of Notre Dame without anyone noticing? What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?!

S: What got to me was how they TRIED to make him look all villainous and scary by threatening to kill Quasimodo if Madellaine didn't do his bidding. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! The first sign of a fight, and he'd probably start screaming 'don't touch the face!'

Me: Or the hair!

S: All in all, he's absolutely pathetic.

Me: What in the hell were Disney thinking? What idiot thought up this idea?! You're an even BIGGER douche than my boss!

S: :O

Me: WELL IT'S TRUE!

S: Still shocking!

Me: Well, Steven can rest assured…there's someone out there who's more of a douche than him! And do you have ANY idea how hard that is?!

S: Thing is, I've seen humorous, unlikable characters like Sarousch done before, but they have been done right! First of all, don't get the wrong idea; I'm not saying that HE was humorous in any way. That was probably what they were trying to go for. They were probably trying to do with Sarousch what they did with Piedmon from Digimon – a foppish, over the top, egotistical villain whose nasty side was contrasted by his more carefree humorous side. Where they went wrong, was that he was SO unlikeable!

Me: They even tried to MAKE him look like Piedmon. Oh, those fucking big lips! I half expected him to pull out a pack of cards!

S: Yzma is an example of a Disney villain done right! She does villainous things, like plotting to kill the Emperor Kuzco, yet she's just so darn funny and over the top, but you can't help but like watching her. Heck, if we're going to look at totally unlikable, but funny characters outside of Disney, then Edmund Blackadder from Blackadder is a perfect example. He's a complete and utter miserable bastard, who only does things for his own selfish reasons, but he's so witty and smart that you cannot help but cheer for him. You NEVER got that with Sarousch because he had no traits, even as a villain that a viewer would find interesting enough to watch!

Me: We could go on for hours. We HAVE gone on for hours before. BUT let's get onto the funniest part – GRAVESTONE NUMBER TWO!

_Here lies Sarousch the Douche_

_Born – We WISH he never had been – aka, we don't know, DON'T CARE!_

_Died – Painfully, we hope, with all of his 'good looks' ruined as he's forced to watch in the mirror!_

_. Piedmon called – he wants you to stop ripping off his look!_

_. Disney came to me in a dream – he wants you to fuck off out off his beloved company and never come back!_

_. Never before have we seen a villain who we saw too much of – FAR too much of – but did so little._

_. So, every other Disney villain carried out their threat, but YOU. I'm sorry, if you want someone to do your bidding and you try threatening them, at least act like you half mean it!_

_. This would never have happened if Frollo was around!_

_. Lady, Frollo would have thrown him in jail for acting so gay!_

_. Frollo would have had the whole circus burned for witchcraft!_

_. Forget turning in his grave – Victor Hugo would be spinning out of control in rage!_

_. Emotional blackmail = his strongest weapon. PATHETIC!_

_. That was Frollo's weapon too – HE just knew how to use if effectively!_

_. Let's face it, Frollo would have kicked his ass any day!_

_. Is it EVER explained how the hell he thinks he'll get rich through that sodding bell? Seriously? Who did he think he was going to sell it to?_

_. It's not even a good, bell, it's worthless!_

_. AH! But don't you know, S, It's 'so BEAUTIFUL on the inside!'_

_. Beauty on the inside means shit if you can't do anything with it!_

S: DON'T JUDGE ME! It's the truth and you all know it!

Me: OK, S, whatever! I believe you. After your violent rant on our "Let's Read Twilight" earlier, I daren't question you!

S: FUCK YOU!

Me: Had to get that in somewhere! :P

S: I think the biggest reason of all for why we hate Sarousch is that he, just like the sequel, had so much potential to be awesome! I will always say that he and Madellaine SHOULD have been foils to the relationship Frollo had with Quasimodo!

Me: Totally! It would have made for so much more of an interesting story! But, what do we get? Some pathetic, horrible, whiny, "I'm so sweet and innocent" BLONDE" (in ALL sense of the word), and… and… some poor man's SHE-MAN!

S: The standards of the citizens of Paris sure went down in the sequel! First, Clopin looks so bland it's unbelievable, and next ALL OF THEM are swooning over Sarousch like he's France's own answer Cassonova himself! COME ON! Jafar has more sex appeal than Sarousch! At least Jafar knows how to dress in style!

Me: Even Shan Yu has more sex appeal! And he looks like he has bloody jaundice!

S: Gaston may have bragged about how amazing he was, but at least he backed it up! AND he was such an egotistical dickhead that his inflated ego was just hilarious to listen to. With Sarousch it's just embarrassing and makes you hate him even more. I partly blame the fact that he relies on everyone to do everything for him, just because he's too lazy and wants to gaze at himself in the mirror and think of doing dirty things to himself.

Me: Ewww! Don't put images into my head!

S: I think that ship sailed a looooong time ago, Hollie!

Me: I hate you!

S: Right back at you!

Me: …LOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEER!

S: Change the fucking record! :O

Me: Oh, shut up and do the poem!

S: You know something? I'm gonna try something different today!

Me: Er, today? I think you'll find it's the night time, love, so it's TONIGHT!

S: SHUT UP AND SOD OFF! …Anyway! Since I mentioned Blackadder as an example of a comical villain who beat Sarousch any day, I think I'll write about Sarousch Blackadder style! :D Check out Youtube if you want an idea of how the tune goes, and I REALLY recommend you watch Blackadder, since it's one of the best British comedies every made. You Americans may know Hugh Laurie and Rowan Atkinson from House and Mr. Bean, but we Brits know them from Blackadder! ^^

Me: Listen to The Blackadder and Blackadder Back and Forth ending songs to get an idea of how this sounds!

_His plan was to steal a bell,_

_And loot as many things as he could._

_He makes me curse and scream and yell,_

_As a villain he was just no good._

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_Truly a piece of shit!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_I wish your face was hit!_

_Bad: His plot which made no sense._

_Bad: His actions were second-rate._

_All he did was not worth two cents,_

_My thoughts for him are so full of hate._

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_You were so full of fail!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_You pathetic She-male!_

_Frollo was far better, it's true._

_And he was, like, one hundred years old!_

_"Piss off", and a heartfelt "Fuck you!"_

_You fugly, repulsive, piece of mold!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_The bastard did sod all!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_Led right to his down fall!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_Now in Hell, not in France!_

_Oh, Sarousch! Oh, Sarousch!_

_He doesn't stand a chance!_

Me: *Claps* Genius!

S: *Bows* Thank you! Blackadder gets some of the credit, though!

Me: Well, everyone, thanks for reading, but now S and I must go…to watch… ORPHAN! Fuck, that little girl gives me the creeps! Geez, there's 'something wrong with Esther' you might say? Damn fucking right there is! Actually, explain to me what's actually RIGHT with the little madam?

S: I kinda feel sorry for her, given her past!

Me: It doesn't mean she can go around doing what she does! That's me put off adopting!

S: Don't let her discourage you! It doesn't mean every kid is like her! Look at Damien!

Me: You mean the Damien that WASN'T really theirs?

S: SCREW YOU!

Me: Fuck you! Bye everyone!

S: Bye!


	26. The Queen of Hearts

Me: sings *The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away. The King of Hearts called for the tarts and beat the Knave full sore. The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts and vowed he'd steal no more.* Yeah….well of course we're not ACTUALLY doing a fic on this nursery rhyme, but I bet you can guess who the next villain is!

S: She's fat, crazy and has a fetish for beheading people! Iiiiit's Disney's The Queen of Hearts!

Me: Ah yes, The Queen of Hearts! The funniest thing in Alice in Wonderland, and I'm telling you all now, ALICE is the biggest annoyance in that film! S, you know her famous line that we actually HATE!

S: "Oh, Mr. Rabbit! Sir! Mr. Rabbit! Wait!" I'm gonna tell Alice what I told Wendy in our review for Captain Hook: SHUT UP AND GO HOME, YOU ANNOYING BITCH!

Me: Urgh! What kind of message does following strangers in a hurry send out to kids? For all she knew, he could have been a shape shifting paedophile, there to trap her! Stupid little…urgh!

S: To be fair, she is ten years old… Of course, excluding even that, she WAS dreaming all along. And, we don't react normally in our dreams when weird stuff is happening.

Me: Urgh. Anyway, enough about the little bint, let's get on with thanking our reviewers! **gravity5** – We humbly thank you for your review and we're glad you're enjoying the story!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Hey Amy! You're a traitor for your terrible taste in films! Hollie called and says she disowns you! As for Sarousch, yes, yes we hate him. .MUCH! Let's not compare him to Piedmon anymore. It just reminds me of how awful he in comparison!

Me: **Rainlily216 **– Believe us, we really wish Sarousch could be that distant of a memory for us! I think, if S could, she'd cut him out with a rusty knife! I completely agree, Walt Disney would kill whatever idiot ever thought Sarousch was an acceptable villain for Disney! I think whoever it was needs to go back to school and read up on some scary people! And, while they're on it, work on some comedy! Thanks!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – James from Team Rocket is very handsome! :P Me, though? As a girl I was more for the characters for Dragon Ball Z (Don't judge me!) England's weather likes to have mood swings. We had a heat wave THAT day, but most of the time it's cold, windy, foggy or rainy… because England hates its population. Oh, a John Lennon fan? Hollie and I love listening to his music! Such a shame what happened to him! It seems to be that the only Disney sequel which had any effort put into it was The Rescuers: Down Under and Lion King 2: Simba's Pride. Which is a damn shame because Aladdin 2 had A LOT of potential! I never liked Alice, but I think I hate Wendy more. xD

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – I think we could go on a hell of a lot more to be fair! There's not one good aspect about this guy! Just…urgh. What the hell were they thinking? Someone needs sacking! There could be a chance we could do your request in future! Thank you!

S: **KitKate** – Good GOD, woman, that's a long review! xD Trust me on this one, as bad as the heat wave was in England, it's WORSE in the Middle East. I've been in Egypt and Iraq during the summer, and THAT is torture! The Disney sequels were always made just to get £/$ in their pockets, unfortunately. I reckon they saw the good reception that Lion King 2 got, got confidant and thought they'd get similar results for the sequels. That or they figured kids would buy anything as long as it's Disney. I'll admit, as a kid I was overjoyed at Aladdin having a sequel and even enjoyed it as a kid. As I got older, though, I realised how inferior they were to the original. You have to question their choices for sequels though. I mean, Fox and the Hound 2 and Hunchback 2? WTF were they thinking!? I'd rather read a book about RosaliexEmmett or anything with Leah, THEY were more interesting (well, at least Rosalie and Leah were. Emmett didn't have much of a personality outside of laughing and smiling a lot and loving to fight), but I reckon that Smyer would only fuck it up if she tried to write side books. Look at The Second Life of Bree Tanner! Turned Bree into carbon copy of Bella!

Me: **RandomFandom5** – Why, thank you. it's always good to hear us and our sadism is loved. Here's your wish granted with this chapter.

S: **TheDisnerd **– Yes! I knew YOU'D understand why we hate the 'unnameable sequel' so much! Clopin fan, eh? They took away his spark (and tan) from the sequel, didn't they? What happened to the mischievous, charismatic jester was a badass King of the Gypsies who could order your execution if you crossed him!? They made him so pathetic in the sequel! Yeah, we got a little mixed up with our list of Disney villains to do. We're doing Queen of Hearts this chapter and Madam Medusa next! Thanks for review! :)

Me: **Fluteorwrite ** - Well if you stayed up all hours reading every single chapter, I hope that means you were enjoying the read! It's always great to gain a new fan, and S and I are especially pleased that our ranting, raving and banter amuses. We DO live to amuse. First to amuse. Second to kill. Each other… Thanks!

S: **Vamp829** – We had a lot of fun writing Frollo's chapter! Especially the song lyrics! xD Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing!

The Queen of Hearts

Me: So, yeah. The Queen of Hearts. I don't know about anyone else, but I regard Alice in Wonderland as another of those films, where you can't stand the hero or heroine, but the villain is all about what makes it for you!

S: Gotta agree with you there. Sadly, unlike Peter Pan and Sleeping Beauty where you see plenty of the villains compared to the hero/heroine, you don't see the Queen of Hearts until near the end of Alice in Wonderland. The majority of the film is her wandering around and meeting weird characters who sing songs to her.

Me: Yeah. I know the whole point of it was to show the oddity that was Wonderland, but The Queen of Hearts should have been given a bigger role! They could have had an encounter earlier on with Alice and a build up to the animosity between them! And, for the record, I wish the Queen had really cut off her head!

S: You wish a ten year old had been BEHEADED!? I thought I was the evil one!

Me: Well, S, just imagine that she's WENDY! THEN see where I'm coming from!

S…Yep, now I wish the bitch lost her head!

Me: You just KNOW that I'm always right! Anyway, I think we've made it perfectly clear that we can't stand Alice. The Queen of Hearts! Pompous, sadistic, irrational, cruel… I mean what the ACTUAL fuck? Can you imagine if SHE was the Queen of this country?!

S: The death sentence would be brought back and would be ridiculously high and for the most stupid of reasons, probably. That and I think many would ditch the country and go live somewhere else. I certainly know what I would do if she was real and became England's Queen: *packs bags* Canada/America, here I come!

Me: Yeah, either that or there'll be a revolt and an attempt at assassination, like with Elizabeth the 1st.

S: Think it would succeed? I mean she is grossly obese.

Me: Well, if she's that grossly obese, if we shoot her, we won't miss.

S: Look, Hollie! Wild Snorlax appeared!

Me: I don't get the joke. :/

S: You, my friend, never played Pokemon Red and/or Blue as a child, then!

Me: Noooooooo. I was more into Pokemon Stadium!

S: *Sighs* Fine, how about this! MAN THE HARPOONS! THAR SHE BLOWS!

Me: Oooooh! Indeed, harpoon that whale!

S: Also, her army consists of freaking playing cards!

Me: Yeah, but power-hungry morons like her always slip up in the end! Look at Hitler, he thought he was untouchable but ended up killing himself, cos the fucker that he was, wouldn't take the consequences of his actions!

S: True, true. I mean, in the film, when Alice grew into the size of a giant thanks to that piece of mushroom, the Queen practically pissed herself, she was that scared!

Me: Meh. A coward, really, let's face it! Anyway, let's get on with the gravestone!

_Here lies The Queen of Hearts_

_Born – In Wonderland_

_Died – um… In… uh…. Wonderland?_

_. Was she even BORN? Let's be honest, this IS Wonderland we're talking about_

_. Then that Alice has a WEIRD mind! A WEIRD MIND I TELL YOU!_

_. I'm still convinced Chaos from Aladdin was involved! AND he resembles the Cheshire Cat!_

_. URGH THAT FUCKING CAT!_

_. OK, we're going a LITTLE off subject here!_

_. Why is SHE the Queen anyway? All she does is yell!_

_. And order people's heads off!_

_. Painting the Roses Red, though, is a very catchy song!_

_Given that SHE dominates her husband; shouldn't she be the one wearing the trousers?_

_. I'm surprised she even has a husband! Let's hope those two never procreate! _

_. I doubt it. By the looks of it, it's biologically impossible. _

_. Yeah, the crazy broad would be more likely to eat him than screw him! _

_. Black widow, much? _

_. Nah, more like a whale. Watch out there, King of Hearts! Don't piss her off or you might end up like Geppetto! O_o_

_. Stay classy there, S. _

_. …Fuck you!_

S: You were thinking it!

Me: Was fucking not! I don't have a dirty mind!

S: And I do!? Bitch, please! My mind is as pure and wholesome as my body! :(

Me: Wholesome? YOU? Do me a favour!

S: You know what? SCREW YOU! I'm gonna go do the song! ¬¬

_The Queen,_

_She's such a bitch._

_Looks like a fat, red witch._

_As for her weight,_

_It is so great – just like a concert pitch!_

_Our trigger fingers do itch!  
Oh Lord, how we hate that bitch!  
_

_Wonderland hates that bitch!_

_Oh Lord, we all hate that bitch!_

_The King, it's said, he wants her dead,_

_Her corpse left in a ditch._

_Even her husband hates the bitch!_

_It's true everyone hates that bitch!_

_Yes, nobody likes that bitch!_

_Not one!_

_Yes, yes!_

_We really must stress,_

_Oh __**LORD**__, how we hate that bitch!_

Me: _Cough_Dirtymind!Dirtymind!_Cough._

S: That's not a dirty mind! That is a twisted, sadistic mind, but not dirty! There's a difference!

Me: Fine, but you're still a looooooooooser!

S: That is getting really annoying, you know!

Me: GOOD!

S: GAAH! D:

Me: Moment of celebration, everyone! I am now officially working at Boots and have handed in my resignation at that bloody pub! Annoying customers and pervy, old mem: FUCK YOU!

S: HURRAY! And, you know what this means? Now that Hollie's shifts are more convenient, we'll be able to meet up more and get this done faster! :D

Me: Monday morning, roll on for my first shift at Boots!

S: If we're lucky, we can meet up next week and get another chapter done! ^^

Me: Oh and S is taking me to see the Woman in Black in the theatre. We made a bet, you see. If I scream, dinner's on me. If I don't, it's on her.

S: Needless to say, I'm certain she's going to scream. I'll be watching you like a hawk come the night, Hollie. *Does the 'watching you' gesture from Meet the Parents*

Me: Well, I suggest you keep your eyes on the performance you're paying for, because I WON'T scream! So, start saving up your money!

S: Dream on, bitch! I won't scream in the London Dungeons, you know!

Me: Oh, you will, S. You will. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

S: Fucking psycho…

Me: That's why you're friends with me. So long, people! Next chapter is Cruella de Vil!

S: Cruella de Vil! Cruella de Vil! If she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will!

Me: That rules out the Woman in Black then!

S: SHUT UP! See ya soon, everyone! *Starts hitting Hollie with nearby cushions*

Me: MUHAHAHAHA! 


	27. Cruella De Vil

*A scream. A struggle. A brief scuffle before Hollie pushes S right into the firing line of the angry readers and reviewers!*

S: YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIITCH! :O

Me: Check that the coast is clear!

S: Well it clearly isn't! *Runs for her life while giving Hollie the middle finger*

Me: Chiiiiiiiicken! :D *Grabs S and restrains her* Oh no you don't! Don't worry readers, we really do love you! It's just that I've started a new job and have to get up at 3am to get there! I work full time and it means I don't get a lot of free time to work with S on our fic! …Not that I miss S.

S: WELL SCREW YOU!

Me: Look bitch, just because I'm going to see Les Misérables with you tomorrow, does not mean that we're friends! I don't even LIKE you!

S: :O! ...Nah, just joking. You don't like me? That's cool, because guess what? I HATE you! :D Hahaha!

Me: Well I DESPISE you! Look, this is ridiculous! We can fight this out later over some Malibu! Let's just thank our reviewers and do the fucking chapter for now!

S: Agreed.

Me_: _**solaria daughter **– We hope the wait was worth it, for here is Cruella De Vil! Enjoy it!

S: **Guest** – My fellow Twihater, we are NEVER serious when it comes to each other! Thanks for reviewing!

Me: **BoxofTomatoes** – Thank you very much! Its good to know that three years at university, studying the creative arts and our vivid, and sadistic imaginations are put to good use! Oh yes, do not get us STARTED on the Twi-Shite saga. I used to LIKE that word – Twilight – but now you can't even use it without getting some dumbass started on Team Edward or Team Jacob! The sequels suck. Period. Just don't go there, for your own sanity. S has only just lost the straightjacket after Hunchback 2….

S: So many wasted hours from my life that I'll never get back… So much garbage…

Me: Well at least you caught up on some sleep!

S: Urrrrrrgh. Maybe I can sort out my insomnia issue by watching the sequels at night… Then I'd probably have a nightmare of Sarousch and his big, gay lips!

Me: At least you would sleep!

S:** Pixargirl** – Heh, there's always that ONE Disney villain which scares you as a child. My one was either Frollo from Hunchback or Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty! Meh, the Queen of England doesn't really have a say in how the country's run – that's up to our Prime Minister and parliament and, unfortunately for us, they're _terrible!_

Me: Fucking Conservatives…

S: What makes it even worse is that Labour and Lib Dem aren't any better. To be blunt, they all suck!

Me: Well at least Labour doesn't favour the rich and cripple the middle class and poor with their laws!

S: That's one good thing... ANYWAY, back my reply! Well this is bad for me since Hollie's the one who answers questions first on this site. O_o *Hollie: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!* Pixargirl, my friend, did I ever tell you how much you and your reviews mean to me? Did I!?

Me: Nice try at flattery, S. Pity you absolutely suck at it.

S: D: Anyway, thank you for reviewing!

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Amy, Amy, Amy, you're missing our point. Even AS stupid little kids, we knew these pieces of trash they pass off as sequels were rubbish! See WE weren't stupid enough to buy it! NOT EVEN S! And our problem with Alice? S, I think YOU need to explain this one!

S: *Sighs* Mr. Rabbit! Oh, Mr. Rabbit! Please, wait Mr. Rabbit! God, don't make me say it again!

Me: I rest my case!

S: **songbird011** – Hah, I see what you did there! :P Hades was awesome! I love Hercules, both the guy and the film, but I would wager that James Wood and Hades MADE that film! Oh and I see you're a Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler fan – a Grell one to be exact! So am I!

Me: **RegularPandaHero** – Regrettably, S and I aren't planning on doing any Pixar villains. We prefer to stick to the Status Quo when it comes to this, not saying we won't consider doing it at all, just, at present, it's not on our list. Thanks for reviewing though, and we're glad you like the story! If you CAN call this a story….

S: Yeah, it's not a story – don't even try to pretend it is. We all know its two girls complaining a lot and threatening to kill each other. There's a lot of HATE in this fic, people! It's our BITCH JOURNAL!

Me: Can you imagine the two of us trapped in the Big Brother House!?

S: Day 5 in the Big Brother House. S is in the Diary Room, complaining about Hollie. "I hate her! I hate her; I hate her, I HAAAAATE HER! Next time I see her, I'm stabbing her with the kitchen knife!" …Yep, that's EXACTLY how I'd be.

Me: Are you sure we'd even GET to Day 5?

S: I reckon we'd both stay in JUST to see who'd be evicted first. Knowing the public, they'd keep us in just to see who'd go mad first and make the first move! ¬¬

Me: Basically the Hunger Games crossed with The Shining! Haha!

S: **sammansonrepilica** – Thank you for reviewing! It seems our Gaston song reigns supreme and remains the most popular! It was as fun to write as it's fun to read!

Me: As for everything you said about Sarousch and the sequels, I guess we're just going to have to respectfully disagree with your opinion. You think Sarousch wasn't so bad and the sequels were decent, while we think Sarousch is just AWFUL and the sequels are trash, wholly deserving of been straight to video!

S: More like straight to the bin if you ask me!

Me: That's fairer! ;) See what you've done! You've made us agree!

S: Which is blasphemy! Hey look, I really did rhyme this time! SUCK ON THAT BITCH!

Me: That's not really in the same sentence so, you kinda didn't. You failed in Chapter 1 and you fail in this chapter again!

S: ….FUCK YOU!

Me: Fuck you too!

Cruella De Vil

Me: God she's hideous…

S: Even more hideous and "ugly beyond all reason" as Yzma? You know, it was Cruella who inspired Yzma's look!

Me: I am not surprised.

S: And Bruce Smith, the chief animator of Dr. Facilier from Princess and the Frog described Facilier as something like the love child of Captain Hook and Cruella. HAHAHA!

Me: Again, doesn't surprise me. Funny though!

S: Anyway, I'll be honest - 101 Dalmatians, like the Aristocats, is not one of my favourite Disney films. Actually, I only think I've seen it once!

Me: Same here.

S: When you think about it, the most memorable, entertaining thing from the film IS Cruella De Vil. The live action version is far superior, I think. More entertaining and Glenn Close was awesome!

Me: Too true, too true.

S: Horace and Jasper were also better in the live action version – though I might be biased since they're placed respectively by Mark Willians and Hugh fucking Laurie!

Me: Let me just add that the two were totally ripped off in that Godawful Titantic: The Animated Musical.

S: Erm, which one? The one with the rapping dog or the one where it turns out that talking sharks caused it all to happen?

Me: . . .

S: Aaaaah, yes, you're right. Looking back though at the clips of the film, it ripped off A LOT of stuff. There's two Dalmatian dogs in the film who they might as well have called Pongo and Perdy!

Me: Fucking film… Anyway, let's get on with the gravestone, shall we?

_Here lies Cruella De Vil._

_Born – In Hell. (Look at her surname for Pete's sake!)_

_Died – In an insane asylum, forever vowing to get her fur coat._

_. Parents should have nipped her fetish for animal fur in the bud when she was a kid._

_. Frankly, I think Dalmatians fur would have made for an ugly coat._

_. Rather fitting, since she's no beauty herself. But really, out of ALL the fur she could have had, she chose Dalmatians!? If she loved the black and white so much, go for a skunk!_

_. Her body! Her BODY! Her FUCKING BODY! Forget the insane asylum; she should be in hospital for being a fucking anorexic!_

_. Hollie, she's a Disney villain! They're all ugly and they all come in two kinds: Incredibly emaciated or grossly obese! It's been done since FOREVER! Gotta get across how beauty is a sign of goodness to those kiddies after all!_

_. Well then we know who to blame for the bloody size zero craze then, don't we?_

_. Did she really think she was going to get away with her plan? I mean, even if she HAD succeeded and got her coat, everyone would know she was responsible!_

_. When have villains ever been known for been smart?_

_. Maleficent? Jafar? Hades? Ursula?_

_. Well… When hasn't their arrogance been their downfall then?_

_. Touché! She's got to be up there with villains who treat their sidekicks like crap. If I was Horace of Jasper, I would have told her to go shove it LONG before she trashed her car at the end!_

_. Though she does have the one thing that most villains have in common: A catchy theme song!_

_. How sad is it that her theme song is more well-known and popular than the actual movie!? Sort of like the Aristocats!_

S: I'm torn… On one hand, she's a pretty entertaining villain and she did make 101 Dalmatians watchable, but, on the other, she freaking KILLS ANIMALS FOR THEIR FUR! She may not be as cruel as McLeach from The Rescuers Down Under, but she's still killing these animals – puppies no less! She doesn't even care how it's done! I just can't like a villain like that! She's too real a villain for me! :(

Me: Yeaaaah, that's a downside. There are people like her out there in the world. They may not be killing or hurting the animal for fur like Cruella, but they're doing it regardless. It's horrible to hear and see and it does make us VERY angry!

S: Hence why I like the villains which are more make-up and less bound in reality. Frollo is an exception, because he's just full of awesome! Hehe.

Me: Definitely!

S: Now, onto the song!

_Cruella, the hag!_

_Cruella, the hag!_

_Looks like an ugly man parading in drag!_

_Someone should suffocate her with a bag._

_Cruella, Cruella the hag!_

_A bony body._

_A fugly hairdo._

_People hates this bitch when she comes into view._

_She stinks up the place with her foul green fag._

_Cruella, Cruella the hag!_

_Cruella, the hag!_

_Cruella, the hag!_

_Looks like an ugly man parading in drag!_

_Someone should suffocate her with a bag._

_Cruella, Cruella the hag!_

_When she finally dies._

_And her soul's in Hell._

_She'll be skinned alive, pain in every nerve cell._

_A skin coat ready, its name on the tag:_

_Cruella, Cruella the hag!_

Me: Bravo! Bravo! I'd give you a standing ovation, but I'm too exhausted!

S: No need. Your praise is enough for me!

Me: Credit where credit's due, S!

S: Damn straight! Where would you be if you didn't have me warping these beloved Disney souls into something foul and ugly! :P

Me: Probably living a very boring existence. There, I SAID IT! ¬¬

S: :D Victory!

Me: Doesn't mean I hate you any less, and it doesn't mean what you're doing now is a GOOD thing!

S: Awwww. :(

Me: So, er, who are we going to do next?

S: Errrrr… Who do we have left? Let's check the list!

Me: Ok, it's between Shere Khan from The Jungle Book or Morgana from Little Mermaid 2. You decide!

S: So get voting!

Me: Laters!

S: Byyyyyye!


	28. Our Most Humble Apologies

Me: S! S! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! GOD! YOUR PUNISHMENT WILL BE SEVERE! THAT'S IT! ROLL HUNCHBACK 2 RIGHT NOW!

S: NOOOOOO! THIS IS JUST AS MUCH YOUR FAULT AS MINE! YOU FORGOT TOO!

Me: FUCKING WELL DID NOT, YOU BITCH! HOW DARE YOU MISS OUT SOME OF OUR MOST LOYAL REVIEWERS!

S: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Enough with the cap locks! ¬¬ Let's stop yelling and make it up to the reviewers we missed, m'okaaaaay?

Me: Best idea I've heard from your mouth in ALL time I've known you! **AngelOfDarkness1959** – We're sorry! We're so, so ,so ,so sorry! And that's to all of you! For all our hatred of each other, we love the lot of you! We hope you accept our most humble apologies for missing you all out! It won't happen again! True, she does get away with her crimes, and seeing as she's a figment of Alice's imagination, that can be explained away. And, true to some real life, some evil people do get away with their crimes, which is unfortunate.

S: Hello, **SideshowJazz1** – Honestly, you're not wrong there. The movie is pretty dull all-round, save for Cruella of course. And yes, you reviewed the last chapter! Hollie and I were just a bunch of idiots and missed out the second page of reviews! *Slaps my hand* Bad S! Bad! Heh, I know what you mean. I used to like the names Bella and Edward, but that stupid series totally ruined them for me. ¬¬ Right, adding your vote to Shere Khan! God , I LOVE his voice! Same thing with Scar! Mowgli's another Disney 'hero' who I didn't much care for. You'll hear plenty of THAT when we get to the chapter!

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Well, what can we say? We're so sorry to have missed you out! *hangs head* All I can say in MY defence is that I was tired, having been up since half 3 in the morning, to get to work for six. S, the lazy little swine has NO excuse. But, in all seriousness, we pull together to offer an apology. We ARE still friends with you all…right….? But anyway, yes, you're totally right – when it comes to people like Frollo, you know that they can be real, so it's so much scarier and really downright disturbing that there ARE people like him in the world and worse so, have been people like him in charge – IE Hitler – so it's a case of, how CAN you root for someone who can be so real? But the supernatural lot, people like Maleficent, when they're so creative, funny, intimidating and the best thing about the film; you can't help but feel something near liking them, even though you wouldn't if it was possible for them to be real people.

Alice could totally have been her own villain; maybe it was her battling her inner demons or something similar, though it's kind of scary that a ten year old could think such thoughts. I know what you mean there, it's kind of like that film/book Coraline if you've ever read/seen that. It's a case of being careful what you wish for. Which I suppose was the moral all along. And yes, Cruella – crazy and beaten by dogs…but, by Christ, I don't think anything can EVER top how Sykes was beaten!

S: **Rainlily216** – Yay, someone agrees with me and is on my side! *Glares at Hollie* LOL, yes, you do have to wonder how her and King slept in the same bed and everything. If she rolled over, he WOULD die! xD I just found her ridiculous as a kid – kind of like how I felt for Captain Hook.

Of course, like you said, she's not so ridiculous when you realise that there have been, and still are, a lot of rulers in the world who act just like her, if not worse! Anyway, we're currently deciding whether to do Morgana or Shere Khan – I take it your vote would be for Morgana? :) HAHA, Team Rocket are awesome, no doubt, but they're not DISNEY! D: Don't worry, might do a Gravestone fics for alllll those other cartoon characters we love, and we'll be sure to include them!

*To Hollie* Satisfied!? Now stop yelling at me and threatening me!

Me: Fine, I will for now until the next time! So long everyone, we hope it won't be too long, and we promise to never miss any of you out ever again!


	29. Morgana

Me: *Stroking an imaginary cat on her lap* Good evening, reviewers. *Glares at bread on counter* Good evening, Mr. Bread.

S: Errr…

Me: …Fucking bread! Let it be known, people, I HATE Mr. Bread!

S: Hollie, they have no idea what you're talking about!

Me: Explain, S. Explain while I go and tear his crust off.

S: Well, reviewers, we were making our soup for tonight and Hollie decided to bake some bread. After HOURS of waiting and preparing, we take it out the oven to find it's doughy as fuck and only the crust can be eaten. Hollie did not take it too well…

Me: *Throwing a Veruca Salt-like tantrum* GOD DAMN YOU, ! WHY DIDN'T YOU COOK PROPERLY! FUCKING FAILURE TO THINGS BREAD RELATED!

S: Not at all… Erm… The soup was nice… Yay?

Me: FUCK THE SOUP! IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE BREAD! *Grabs carving knife* S, I'M GOING TO GO AND HACK THE SHIT OUT OF THE LOAF! COME ON, ! COME TO MAMMA! *Demonic face*

S: …Well this is getting weird… O_o

Me: YOU CAN COME TO MAMMA TOO!

S: Hell no! I've seen the movie, you know!

Me: Partypooper!

S: …Fuck you!

Me: Okay, I suppose we _should_ stop this craziness and get on with the chapter…

S: Starting with thanking our reviewers! The whole lot of you this time! ;)

Me: **Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff** – Well, you know, I was just thinking the exact same thing about her myself! It's like the Disney Company has become too lazy to use their imaginations so they recycle their old plots. Why, they're as bad as Eastenders!

S: In case you don't know, Eastenders is a popular British soap that is famous for being INCREDIBLY depressing and unrealistic. It's really a guilty pleasure and Hollie and I used to watch it – USED – but let me put it this way: anything good that's happening WILL come crashing down!

Me: If you want to watch a British soap, my advice is to watch Hollyoaks! It might be wacky, but its storylines are a hell of a lot better! Anyway, thank you for your review, and here's Morgana!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – Hello! We just love hearing from our faithful reviewers! No, you DID review! We were just a bunch of idiots and forgot to check the next page of reviews!

Me: S's fault. It's always S's fault!

S: GO BACK TO CRYING OVER YOUR BREAD, BITCH!

Me: Fine, I will! ¬¬ *Hugs Mr. Bread to her*

S: Creepy bitch… Back to **SideshowJazz1**! Yeah, don't I know it! Hollie and I are the exact same! We used to like names like Isabella and Edward and Rosalie and Esme, and now look! Because of that terrible series, anyone who hears those names immediately thinks of Twilight. Urgh! Sorry, but Morgana won in the end. :( But! Shere Khan will be next, so you can look forward to that!

Me: *Throws Mr. Bread and stamps on it* **AngelOfDarkness1959** – Well, yes, I guess you can't help rooting for the realistic ones when the good guys are so wet and so wimpy and so SICKENLY SWEET! That and Frollo had an awesome song! Now, if you excuse me! *Tapes up Mr. Bread*

S: …What the fuck!? O_o Er, **TheDisnerd** – Ah, he's the villain from Home on the Range! I vaguely remember watching that once and finding it mind-numbingly boring AND awful! All I really remember is that the villain yodelled and that one of the cows had a thing about her hat. I don't think I could subject Hollie and I to watching it, but we'll certainly do a chapter on him!

Me: *Gets a sledgehammer and stands over like Annie Wilkes in that famous scene from Misery* DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

S: *Snatches and chucks him in the bin* Seriously, Hollie! This is getting too disturbing! *

Me: POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK! *Coughs* Oh hello, **Solaria daughter of Apollo** – Ah, yes! Your wish it our command! Well, to be honest, the only scene from The Aristocats that stands out for me is the one with that song. So, really, that's enough reason for me not to like it.

S: I love the song but do find the majority of the film quite boring, if I'm honest. OK, **MykkLaw** **– **Hey, good enough reason. And, as the one who writes them, let me just say how loved I feel right now. I SLAVE AWAY at those damn things every time! So, the fact that people come to read them. It gets me right here! *Points at her heart*

Me: *Mutters* I'm surprised you even have one…

S: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?

Me: You're like a reverse Tinman, S! You're human but you just didn't get the heart in the end! ;) **KWP** - Your wish is granted! Thank you for the review!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Hello, Amy! Finally! We all agree on something! *Hollie drops dead with shock.* Oh dear… She's dead…

Me: *Sits up and yells* NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR CPR, AMY! *Drops dead again*

S: Oh Amy. Even if you WEREN'T tired, I doubt you could stop us. Bitching to us is as natural as water is! Hah!

Me: *Gets up again* Okay, **DiscordantPrincess** – Thank you for reviewing! Yeah, I'd like to see the film the whole way through one of these days. If only for Vincent Price and his marvellous voice!

S: Ratigan, a much underrated Disney villain! ^^ Right, and lastly, our mysterious **Guest** – Yes, yes I am a Hetalia fan. If you are too then it's nice to meet a fellow fan!

Morgana

Me: "S, we better be going!"

S: What are you doing!?

Me: FUCKING SING!

S: URGH! "Look at… *looks around* Look at this *points at screen* isn't it glowing?"

Me: I look divine and you look exquisite! But, look at the time!

S: "Couldn't-" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Me: That's the first song of the film – with improvising – and, readers, doesn't it just SUCK!

S:We did manage to pause the scene at a moment where it 1. Not only makes Prince Eric look like a white Aladdin, but 2. Makes it look like he's trying to cop a feel of Arie's boobs. So… I guess it was worth it…

Me: We just watched some clips of Morgana… It was pretty painful.

S: Urgh! Whoever came up with them needs serious shooting! Is it any wonder the kids of today are the way they are if THIS is the shit they had to see through their childhood?

Me: None of those films will make it into MY home, I promise you that! My kids are watching the GOOD OLD CLASSICS, and I DON'T CARE if they're a hundred years old by then! ANY complaints, BIG slaps.

S: Heh. Only way my kids are getting slapped is if I catch them reading 50 Shades of Grey. ¬¬

Me: Only 50 Shades of Grey, S? I was specially keeping Twilight for your kids.

S: I'm going to let them use that as a learning experience for how awful it is!

Me: Yeah, it should just be named 'Twilight: How NOT to write or read books!' :p

S: Anyway, onto Morgana and the Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea! Well… What can we say? She is a 'poor man's' Ursula, isn't she?

Me: Couldn't you say that for the whole film? Not that The Little Mermaid was anything special but the film is essentially a rehash only the daughter's the main character and she's a human who wants to become a mermaid, not the other way around.

S: Pretty much, but the Morgana-Ursula connection sticks out the most for me. They just weren't even trying, were they? Aladdin and Pocahontas 2 at least used the villains from the first film and, lucky for them, the villains were good ones. Whereas Little Mermaid 2 just used the same voice actress and same damn villain, only made her skinner, greener and a different name or relation!

Me: I mean, they couldn't have a rival kingdom this time, could they? Couldn't have done anything different!? They just HAD to do the same, damn, fucking thing OVER AGAIN!

S: Everything about the sequel feels so… mediocre. Pat Carroll was amazing as Ursula and her song, 'Poor Unfortunate Souls' in Little Mermaid I think is up there as one of the best Disney villains. And yet, as Morgana, everything about her sucks! Her voice is like nails down a chalk board and the less said about her deleted villain song, the better!

Me: There's a reason why it was deleted, trust us. ¬¬

S: Well, onto the gravestone!

_Here lies Morgana_

_Born – Under the sea. Under the sea. Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from meeeeeee! OK, I'll stop now…_

_Died – Well, considering she was frozen alive, she probably froze to death… Yeah, we'll go with that one._

_. Hate to break it to you, Morgana, but, when it came to Ursula, you WERE inferior. In every way possible!_

_. Both her mother and elder sister tried to overthrow Triton and died because of it. You'd think she'd learn from their mistakes and STAY THE FUCK AWAY!_

_. You dislike your mother and sister so much…yet you keep a PICTURE in which Ursula was winning a first prize?_

_. AND, if it wasn't bad enough, ripping off your sister, you THEN go and have to rip off the far more sinister and superior Maleficent? Dude, you JUST DON'T DO THAT! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!_

_. You ended frozen alive at the bottom of the sea with a picture of Ursula RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. How fucking ironic!_

_. You know what else Ursula was better than you at? Getting something fucking done! She capitalized and got what she wanted from Ariel. You had a baby Melody in your grasp and still got beaten!_

_. So, Ursula used Ariel to get a Triton and Morgana used Melody…. Hmmm, did their mother use Ariel's mother? Well, she can't stay away from the fucking carbon copy generations, can she? Seriously, grow a fucking pair and if there's even a PEA SIZED BRAIN in that head of yours, USE IT!_

_. Also, might I add, just because she called Grimsby "Gramps" does not mean she has a fucking sense of humour! This bitch wasn't funny in the least! You know who's funny!? Gaston! Yzma! Jafar! Hades! Captain Hook! GOOD, ORIGINALVILLAINS!_

_. Since you're so thick, Morgana, let me put it in a language even YOU can't misunderstand! Ursula – GOLD. You – COAL!_

S: Yep, pretty much sums it up. I mean, really, they could have at least tried. Then again, look at what they did with the prequel, 'The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning'. The premise was weak as hell, the villain, Marina Del Rey, was a poor villain with a weak, sympathetic motive and Ariel's mother was a carbon copy of her! I'm noticing a pattern here, Disney, and I'm not liking it!

Me: No… me neither. You know, S, there are times when I wish Disney had just used the original storylines for some of their films! For instance, The Little Mermaid! Why oh why could they just NOT have kept it the way it was in the Hans Christian Anderson book? THEN maybe, we wouldn't have to watch this sappy, sad, sequel shit!

S: Because the original The Little Mermaid is too dark and depressing and the kiddies wouldn't get the whole message of the story. All they'd hear would be, "Mermaid's have no souls and when they die, they're gone for good with only the foam left over" and would cry their little hearts out.

Me: But the moral of the fairytale is that you have to work and earn a soul! Much like you have to do in life! It's a hell of a lot better than disobey your parents and make a deal with a figurative devil for a man whose name you don't even know!

S: Doesn't matter! Still too dark for them to deal with!

Me: They didn't mind doing the Black Cauldron!

S: Yeah, and it BOMBED! Disney doesn't even acknowledge its existence! You ever seen Princess Eilonwy in anything other than that? I didn't think so! (For the record, I like the film! John Hurt, YAY!)

Me: Urgh, I'm SICK of hearing about the fucking kiddies! Jeez, why is it that parents think it's okay for their kids to get fantasy life lessons from a film, which they'll have to tell them one day that don't really exit, yet when it comes to actual morals they can USE, they throw a fit and moan! I mean, for fuck's sake, get your head out of cloud fucking cooku land! I know what version of The Little Mermaid I would like my kids to watch, and it ISN'T the fucking Disney one! Ariel is a SHIT role model!

S: There are a lot of girls out there who'll disagree with you there and are probably cursing your name to Hell right now, Hollie…

Me: Don't care. My opinion, bitches! :P *Mutters* You know I'm right…

S: Okay, enough of this! Time to do the poem! Since Morgana is basically Ursula going under a different name and appearance, I reckon I'll do "Poor Unfortunate Souls" again! ^^

_You were subpar in every way to your sister._

_Yes, everything about you was second rate._

_Your voice made me want to scream,_

_And you had a crappy scheme!_

_To put it simply, you weren't all that great!_

_Fuck yes!_

_But, sadly you were the villain for the sequel._

_You copied Ursula right to the very end._

_And just like your fat ass sis_

_Your plans and dreams went amiss._

_You ended up frozen alive without a friend._

_Serves you right!_

_That shrill, whiny harpy!_

_Go get a life!_

_All I could think during the film_

_Was that you royally sucked._

_I'd like to stab you!_

_With a knife!_

_Yes, you shrill, whiny harpy!_

_Go burn in hell!  
Have fun being tortured with your sis,_

_And let's not forget your mom!_

_You find this fun?_

_No? Oh well!_

Me: He, he, he, well that pretty much sums her up in a nutshell. Inferior to the Max. but then again, she's in a SEQUEL. She was doomed to failure!

S: Why can't they all be like Zira or Percival McLeach? They were good sequel villains who tried to be different from their predecessors!

Me: The 'Sack the Creators' petition starts here!

S: Here, here!

Me: Okay, it's Shere Khan next!

S: Thanks for reading and we'll see you in the next chaper! BYE! ^^

Me: So long!


	30. Shere Khan

Me: Well, well, well. So, I wasn't dreaming! You DO have a home!

S: Yes, and I also have a life outside of you!

Me: That's my line, you bitch! Know who I am?! I'm the HONEY BADGER BITCH! Think I give a shit?!

S: No, cos they Honey Badger don't give a shit! He's a sleepy fuck!

Me: If you haven't seen the Honey Badger by Randall on YouTube, check it out! It had us laughing for ages, and it's not often that we have something in common! S was kind enough to buy me a birthday present of the Honey Badger! As cute as it is, it really is a crazyass bastard! Yes, it was that time of year again. I'm 22 as of Wednesday and as for S… well, her birth certificate SAYS 1901….

S: BITCH I WAS 23 AS OF MONDAY!

Me: 23? Who hypnotises you, then S?

S: If I was born in 1901, I'd be over 100! ARE YOU BLIND?

Me: No, I have impeccable eyesight, actually, S. I was just judging by your greying hair and wrinkled skin. That's not to mention your Zimmer frame! Soon enough, you'll be dusting off your mobility scooter!

S: SHUT UP! I AM YOUNG, HEALTHY AND TEWNTY THREE!

Me: Healthy? Young and twenty three?... *dials a number* Men in white coats? Is that you?

S: ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS! We're currently watching the 2007 version of Oliver Twist.

Me: It was a 5 part series shown at Christmas. Man, that Monks is so FUCKING CREEPY!

S: Nah, if you ask me, Tom Hardy as Bill Sykes is creepier! He looks like a nutcase!

Me: Opposites attract, but also similar people then…. Tom Hardy also played Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, if you weren't sure who he was. Yeah he's creepy, but that Monks….urgh. What a fucking sleazebag. And as for that woman in the workhouse, GOD I want to kill her! She's such a bitch!

S: I concur, but she's like that in every version! Anyway, onto our reviewers!

Hello, **Pixargirl** – Hilarious review, I must say! And thanks! It really does mean a lot to us! If it makes you feel any better, I rented the Little Mermaid 2 when I was a kid! Technically, my friend, the yeast was bad, so it's more like we're good, loving parents whose kid STILL turned out to be a bad egg even though we did everything right! Hah!

Actually, as long as Jacob is around vampires, he'll never stop transforming into a werewolf, so he'll be stuck at his current age for ever. Still doesn't make it any less creepy. The fact that he's been around her since she was a baby and she was fully sentient in the womb is bloody messed up!

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – You should just hand your head in shame! Yes, maybe Morgana's not even worth as much as coal…maybe something like sandpaper, no? Between Ursula and Jafar, personally I like Jafar – even if it IS for that evil laugh after he becomes Sultan… God, that fucking laugh. :S I guess I can give Melody that, but then again, Ariel annoys me so much, that anyone is better than her. Shere Khan might not have done much, but he certainly was very intimidating!

S: **DiscordantPrincess **– Why, thank you! Hope you enjoy this chapter! ^^

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – I suppose there are villains who are just so bad that they're great. You could say that she MIGHT fall into that category, though that is a big might and her revenge plan still sucked! Ariel has a special place in my heart for princesses I hate the most, so you're not alone in disliking her. I mean, if ever there was a whiny, bratty teenager, then you have Ariel! Sure, S and I will do Marina Del Rey _especially_ for you! ;)

S: *Let's out a long suffering sigh* Greeeeat.

Me: More of that from you and we're doing Sarousch: Part 3!

S: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: I thought so!

S: **DarkDancer07** – Hollie says she doesn't care less that she's bashing your favourite Disney characters and cares even less that she's ruining those childhood illusions since, you know, she's just THAT cruel! But we confess we have a mission to destroy those dreams of everyone, so if it's any consolation, it isn't personal! Thanks for reviewing anyway!

Me: **TheDisnerd – **Hey, we're glad you found the time to review anyway! I know exactly what it's like to have bosses who pile the work and pressure on! I might have left that goddamn pub, but I still hate the guts off my old boss! Bastard! Anyway, thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Ha ha ha, Madame Medusa proved to be a bit of a problem, and strangely enough, I blame S as well! SHE calls herself a Creative Writer, has seen the film, yet can't think of one thing to write for Medusa. Oh, S, you give Creative Writing a name that even Meyer would be disgusted by!

S: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WORSE THAN MEYER!? FUCK YOUUUUUU! I'll have you know that I do all the poems and songs in this story and YOU'RE just as bad with the villains sometimes – especially if you haven't seen the film!

Me: At least I have a good excuse!

S: **Nanna-ler Frost** – Since you've reviewed a ton of our chapters all at once, we can't really respond to every individual one here, but Hollie and I will say thanks for taking the time to review our chapters and we're glad you're enjoying them! ^^

Me: **Michelle Winchester** – True, but, may I say again, in the Disney version, Hades is the younger brother. It's even stated by Zeus and Hades at the beginning, I believe.

S: **Guest, Guest 2 and ariel** – Thanks for your comments!

Me: So, we started writing chapter a couple of weeks ago and are picking it up again right here, and since then, we've actually had some awful things happen here in London! S and I are unsure whether or not if those of you who don't live in UK hear about the news in London, but only last week, we had an awful, awful thing happen in Woolwich (South East London). A young Soldier named Lee Rigby was murdered by two men, simply whilst in the wrong place at the wrong time.

S: The guys who did it were terrorists, one of those extremists Muslims who don't seem to want to go away and believe they're pleasing Allah with their actions. As someone who has many friends who are Muslim and used to be one herself, let me say that these bastards are NOT Muslims!

In fact, the most ironic thing of all, you find the terrorists here in London are those who 1. Were born and grew up in the country, and 2. Converted to Islam. You never see anyone who came to the country and has been Muslim their whole lives doing this kind of shit here. It PISSES me off to no end because it gives good, respectable Muslims a bad name!

Me: You see all these acts, like the horror that was 9/11 (it was horrific watching it here, in London when I was 10, but I can't imagine what it must have been like to be there in New York/Pennsylvania when those planes crashed, never mind if you lost any loved ones, for which if any of you did, I'm sincerely sorry. Here, we had 7/7 (the London underground bombings), and these and 9/11 were also said to be 'acts in the name of God' and people think it's okay for thousands of people to die for it?

It just makes me sick to my stomach, especially now that the news station has pictures/videos of these men, with the victim's blood ALL over his hands, preaching and proud to the cameras! What the fuck is wrong with people? Is it not enough that the poor man was brutally murdered, but you just HAVE to get out your fucking phones and film and photograph the graphic scene? Well, I hope any money you might have made from selling the photographs to news stations and newspapers was well worth the agony you see his family and loved ones in, I really do.

S: Awful, just awful. I tell you, England's going down a bad road. If we don't have extremists to deal with, we have growing racism with people saying foreigners are taking all the jobs and trying to make Britain be for the 'British' people. Personally, I think the kind of people who have these beliefs are the ones who spend all day in the pub, getting drunk, watching football, and acting like hooligans (I hate all four), but, hey, what do I know? I'm Iraqi/Scottish, so I guess that'd make me a freak in their eyes!

Me: Anyway, let's move onto Shere Khan and have a laugh! Enough misery for one day!

Shere Khan

S: I know that this is one of the Disney villains readers have been looking forward to! He's certainly one I won't have much trouble writing about!

Me: Can't say I was ever a fan of the Jungle Book myself…

S: Neither was I, to be honest. I only liked it for Shere Khan's bits, which is rather sad since he only appears halfway and at the end of the bloody movie!

Me: I wouldn't want to run into HIM in a dark alley, that's for sure!

S: Everyone runs from Shere Khan!

Me: Everyone but Mowgli, that is.

S: Oh, and guess what: You pronounce the "Mow" in Mowgli's name as you would "Cow", not "Moe". Funny how Disney couldn't seem to get that right!

Me: "The kiddies won't be able to say it properly!"

S: You know, Hollie, I'm starting to think you have something against children… ¬¬

Me: *Blows a raspberry* Not so much all children, just the bratty ones and the soccer moms who take raising kids a little too far. Fucking ruining it for everyone else! GET A LIFE!

S: Amen! Anyway, back to Shere Khan. I rather liked him! He's got class, a great voice and seems like a legitimate threat! Shame he never had a villain song…

Me: You can kind of see a "Be Prepared" air about him, can't you?

S: Apparently, there WAS a song written for Shere Khan where he sings along with a hunter called Buldeo who's obsessed with catching him. It's called "The Mighty Hunters" and worth checking out!

Me: The song and the hunter, Buldeo, were cut from the final film because of the dark tone. It seems that people didn't have any balls even back then in 1967! The year after my mum was born!

S: To be fair, the song is very grim and sombre. The lyrics have Shere Khan and Buldeo bragging about the ways they're going to kill each other and the tune isn't exactly something you'd want or really could sing along to. Honestly, it sounds like something you'd hear at a funeral!

Me: I thought it sounded like something you'd hear before a shootout in the Wild West. That and they're not really singing as talking through most of it. I think the biggest problem is that it'd feel too out of place with the final film.

S: Aaaaanyway, I think it's time I had a nice, big rant about the main character of the film, Mowgli!

Me: *Gets out popcorn* this should be good.

S: GOD, I HATE THE LITTLE SHIT!

Me: I wouldn't have guessed!

S: First of all, the Mowgli in the film is NOTHING like the Mowgli in Rudyard Kipling's book, though the same can be said for the whole damn film. Still, I can look past that – The Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and the musical of Les Miserables are noticeably different from the book versions by Victor Hugo, but both are just amazing. What I can't stand is how goddamn unlikeable Mowgli is!

Me: Not to mention, Disney Wikia says he was naïve about the Jungle. Excuse me? How could someone who was raised in the jungle be so fucking naïve about it? What, did the wolves raising him not impart their knowledge onto him!?

S: Hehe, frankly, Mowgli shouldn't even be able to interact with humans since he was raised by animals. But, yes, good point. My main criticism is that he spends the whole fucking movie making everyone's lives difficult and just acting like a little douche. And then, come the end, he turns his back on said friends to go be with a girl – a girl whose name he doesn't know!

Me: He should go hang out with Ariel. They'd get on GREAT! You know, I have an idea. Let's take ALL the obnoxious Disney heroes and heroines we don't like, and put them in the Hunger Games!

S: My God, that's brilliant! …Wait, some of them would cheat though. Aladdin has the Genie AND a flying magic carpet. Who can win against THAT?

Me: Ah, but they're not allowed in the Hunger Games area! It's like a literal fight for a survivor!

S: Personally, I think Battle Royale would be better and bloodier, but what the hell!

Me: Why don't we just solve all our headaches by throwing them into a big, airtight container and throw it into the ocean? Bermuda Triangle, preferably.

S: They'd find a way to come back. Mickey Mouse would find a way.

Me: Mickey Mouse can kiss my arse! ¬¬

S: So, the whole film is leading up to this confrontation between Mowgli and Shere Khan. What do you think of the climax when the two finally meet?

Me: Personally, I thought it was anti-climax. They meet, talk, and then Mowgli just beats him with fire. Shere Khan doesn't really have a chance to shine like Ursula or Jafar. He just ends up running away like a little bitch!

S: Agreed. Shere Khan was too honourable and tried to give Mowgli a fighting chance – although, knowing Disney villains, he was giving Mowgli a head start less out of being a gentleman and more because he got a thrill from the chase and fear of the victim. BUT I DIGRESS! Shere Khan should have been more like Scar and played dirty! Didn't save Scar but he looked a badass while doing it!

Me: I think one of the things in Shere Khan's favour is that he's too damn likeable and sympathetic! It's all there on Disney wikia, people. Read that and tell me you don't understand his fear of fire and hatred for all humans! I mean, his family was killed by hunters!

S: It's not just us, either. A third film was originally in the works and it was planned that Shere Khan would have a heel-face turn and redeem himself. He, along with Baloo, was going to be captured and forced to perform in a circus. While there he would come to regret his actions and by the end would make peace with Mowgli. However, due to Jungle Book 2's poor sales, they decided not to bother, which is a shame. THAT should have been the plot for the fucking sequel!

Me: Wait, that sounds really good! I would have spent money to watch! DISNEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GAH!

S: In the TV series, Jungle Cubs, we see that Prince Louie, Baloo, Bagheera, Shere Khan, Haithi and Kaa were all friends as children. I watched some of it as a child and rather enjoyed it. They seemed to put a lot of effort into it. Season 1 shows them as more carefree and a gang while Season 2 goes out of its way to show them transitioning into the adults we watched them as in The Jungle Book.

Me: Couldn't have put the same effort into the sequel, could they? Nooooo.

S: Disney hates sequels, Hollie. They're made to shut the kids up because kids, evidently, will like anything Disney. *Rolls eyes*Oh, just found this out. The ONE song Shere Khan sings along with in the film, "That's What Friends Are For", is not even done by George Sanders and his amazing voice! It's done by Bill Lee of The Mellomen because Sanders was unavailable that day. Pity.

Me: Shame. I'm sure he could have sung it well – He did sing "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch" from the animated adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

S: I really wish we could have seen more of Khan in the film. I know they were trying to build suspense leading up to the climax, but the climax didn't live up to it, so it only left me feeling disappointed we didn't get to see more of this gentlemanly villain. :\

Me: You know, maybe we get on with the gravestone…

S: *Scrolls up* Jesus Christ, we've been talking for AGES. O_o

Me: That's because you never shut the fuck up, S!

S: …Fuck you!

_Here Lies Shere Khan_

_Born – For fuck's sake, how should we know? The jungle has no timeline!_

_Died – If you take the sequel as cannon, then trapped under the statue and burnt to death by lava._

_. I hate you, for the mere fact that you gave Mowgli a head start._

_. Yeah, you really blew it on that one, didn't you? Honestly, there's a time for been a gentlemen and there's a time to get busy killing! Captain Hook understood that!_

_. I wouldn't have minded, but all he had tied to his tale was a burning branch! Just go jump into a river, for fuck's sake! Problem solved!_

_. Cut him some slack, he's afraid of fire!_

_. Well, if it were a battle of sarcasm, he would have come atop as the regaining champion! Though, I still wouldn't mind setting him on the loose in Never Land…._

. I wish you'd mauled Shanti in the sequel. Annoying bitch… Is that mean of me?

Me: *sings* You're an alcohol virgin, oh, S! Yes, you can't handle the booze!

S: To clarify, Hollie, my mum and I have just spent the last four hours and a hours chatting while drinking Tia Maria and watching the film version of Les Miserables. I am now tipsy and fuck!

Me: Well, at least you had fun, despite initial misgivings, eh S?

S: Yes, that is true. On the downside I'm struggling to walk. It's really, really hard! D:

Me: So sit down! Oh there you go! YOU FELL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHa!

S: No, I didn't! Ok, let me post the poem and then we can watch old-school Simpsons! Because Shere Khan doesn't really have a song, I just used "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch" that George Sander's also sung and changed the lyrics!

_You're a cruel villain, Shere Khan._

_Your bite is far worse than your bark._

_You're as friendly as a rhino._

_You're as wonderful as a shark._

_Oh, Shere Khan._

_No way would I want to meet you alone in the dark._

_You're so wicked, Shere Khan._

_Your heart is filled with spite._

_Your mind is full of malice._

_You've got every human in your sight, Shere Khan._

_I find you as welcoming_

_As an itchy mosquito bite._

_You're so horrible, oh Shere Khan._

_You have murder in your sharp eyes,_

_You died in the end and never got to hear Mowgli's cruel demise,_

_Yes, Shere Khan._

_And now you are in Hell, for evermore,_

_Trapped with demons and with no allies._

Me: Bravo! Bravo! Jeez, what the FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! I'M PRAISING YOU!

S: YOU'RE JUST BEEN NICE TO ME BECAUSE I'M NEAR DRUNK! D:

Me: No…it was…urgh…a GOOD SONG! THERE, I FUCKING SAID IT! CAN I GO TO HELL NOW?! PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!

S: Yes, yes you can. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go and pass out now. Goodnight people, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the next!

Me: Well, next, at long last, shall be Madam Medusa ! Then we'll be right back to offering you lovely lot a choice!

S: We promise! We're doing her next then you get to vote! ;) Bye!

Me: BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYE!


	31. Madame Medusa

Me: We're back! And, readers, have we got a riddle for you!

S: Who do you get if you take Cruella de Vil, Ursula and Madame Thénardier from Les Miserables, and mix them together?

Me: Madam Medusa, that's who!

S: Which is hardly surprising since she's something of a poor man's version of the two Disney villains mentioned; especially the former.

Me: I swear, it's like they were too lazy to think up anything else! They took these traits from these iconic villains and thought it'd be good to put them on a new villain and it just backfires badly. There's one scene where Medusa is driving and it's a complete rehash of Cruella when she was driving in 101 Dalmations for God's sake!

S: To be fair, they did originally want Cruella to the be the villain the film, but it was dropped because, at the time, they weren't interested in making any sequels for films. HAH!

Me: May I just state the obvious: She is FUCK UGLY!

S: *Gaspeth* Hollie! That is VERY vain of you. Ugly as fuck though she may be, it is not the worst thing about her! Her despicable personality and willingness to use child labour is far, FAR worse!

Me: That's funny; I could have sworn I saw an element of YOU in her, S!

S: FUCK YOU! MY PERSONALITY IS WONDERFUL AND I'M LIKE A DELCATE FLOWER!

Me: Yes, yes, in your dreams, S. In your dreams. ...Wait…

S: What?

Me: You didn't say anything about the child slave labour comment… O_o

S: …What are you insinuating?

Me: S… ARE YOU HIDING CHILDREN SLAVES IN YOUR ATTIC!?

S: *Tries to find a good comeback but fails* …Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you!

Me: Right, I've had all day dealing with shitty, stupid customers, so, now time for a laugh! Let's thank our reviewers!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – Well, here's Medusa after about a year of promising to do the chapter! Hope you're happy! I don't know about Mowgli… Maybe he was naïve but I honestly think he was just born brain dead and lacked any kind of survival instinct or common sense. Hehe.

Me: Like my customers. Sorry to butt in on your reply S, buuuuut, get this people! I was at work, wearing my uniform, sitting behind the counter, security tagging makeup, and a customer comes up to me and asks, "Do you work here?" NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! If you don't like been treated like you're stupid, than stop acting like idiots!

S: Oh Hollie, you and your hatred for your customers. :P Anyway, back to my reply! Hollie says not to worry, the two of us won't be getting along any time soon. Rest assured we'll still be throwing insults and making each other's lives a misery. Oh, and I was NOT born in 1901! So Edward "I sparkle like a disco ball" Cullen can suck it!

Me: **Kimball20** – Since there's no set villain in Pinocchio, S and I have decided that we'll talk about all of them in the chapter. So, rest assured, we'll be ripping into the fat son of a bitch in due time! Yeah, I pretend Hunchback 2 doesn't exist either… Except for when I want to torment S, muahahaha!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – I'll give you that, Tony Jay voicing Shere Khan in the sequel was awesome but, then again, Tony Jay's voice is pure awesoness in itself. He voices bloody Frollo after all! I don't remember much of the sequel but it wasn't as bad as some sequels, I'll admit. Not as boring as Tarzan 2, not as annoying as Pocahontas 2 and not as rage inducing as Hunchback 2. It was bearable and at least Shere Khan came across as strong in it.

Me: **Rainlily216** – Yes, yet another villain who should have killed when he had a chance, and oh how I wish to God he had! Man, these Disney villains need to attend a fucking lecture so they get this into their stupid heads! Oh, and since when where villains supposed to be gentlemen? He's a tiger! Tigers are wild for God's sake! But, I digress; everything you say about him is spot on!

Oh, no need to tell us, S and I watched the Critics 'Top 11 Disney Villains' looong ago! A fun watch and I like how he chose Chernabog as his number 1 rather than Maleficent like many others would. Personally, S and I would choose Frollo. :P

S: **TheDisnerd** – I've redeemed myself? What did I do wrong in the first place!? *Glares at Hollie* What lies have you spreading about me, you nefarious wench!?

Me: Who? Me? *Poses like an angel* I would do no such thing. You probably brought it on yourself, most likely when you were drunk. Seriously, S, Rainlily's right, you should learn to hold your booze! And I saw that vodka bottle under your pillow! For shame!

S: Don't be silly there's no *Glances under pillow* OH GOD, MY BOTTLE'S GONE! D: Now what will I drink!

Me: Baileys? Sweet, sweet, baileys?

S: …Fuck you! ¬¬

Me: **ariel** – I don't know. Why don't you fucking tell us?! Sorry for the language, readers, but I loathe short, few worded reviews with no substance to them. ¬¬

S: **Nyx27Seth** – Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying our story and I look forward to any other reviews you might send our way! ^^

Madame Medusa

S: It's funny, The Rescuers is a solid film and I DO like it, but it's not one that would go on my top five and I don't really rate Madame Medusa as a particularly memorable villainess…

Me: I haven't even seen the film, but neither do I. Mostly because she does seem like a rip off of much better villains. She REALLY reminds me of Helena Bonham Carter – who, by the way, I could not STAND in the role of Madame Thénardier. I'm sorry; she just does NOT suit comedy roles! Helena, personally, I think you should stick to psychopaths like Bellatrix Lestrange – now THAT was a part you were incredible in! I know Russell Crowe got slated a lot for his performance, but I'd rather have him than her.

S: She was the same for Sweeney Todd! Now, I LOVE the film and the musical. Hollie and I saw Michael Ball play him with Imelda Staunton (Dolores Umbridge, HELL YEAH!) in London last year for my birthday and it was amazing! But Helena Bonham Carter just doesn't have the voice for said roles! She was bloody WHISPERING her parts in the Les Miserables film! And, unlike her role as Mrs Lovett , her acting left a lot to be desired. ¬¬ She and Sacha Baron Cohen were the weakest in the movie, if you ask me!

Me: Can't believe I'm agreeing with you AGAIN! O_O S, stop sounding so… reasonable!

S: Not my fault I speak the truth! Anyway, back to Medusa! She's not a bad villain, she's just… We've seen it before with Cruella and Ursula, you know?

Me: Something's just come to my head. Is it me or are the Disney heroes and heroines nearly always orphans or semi-ophans!? Seriously!

Aladdin, Snow White, Cinderella, Mowgli, Tarzan, Peter Pan, Quasimodo, Beast/Prince Adam (Where the fuck were his parents? Nice disciplining your kid, arseholes!), Prince Eric (Where are his parents too?), Li Shang (His dad dies in the film but he still becomes an orphan), Kuzco, Milo Thatch, Flynn Ryder, Arthur, Taran are all orphans, while the rest are semi orphans with only one parents around. WTF!? And, is it just me, or is it ALWAYS the mother who dies!?

S: It's not just you, a lot of the Disney heroes and heroines only have a father around. It seems Disney has a thing against parents. The mothers, to be exact… And, I know I've said this before, but the fathers are always either portrayed as strict and restrictive of their kids, unable to understand them, or bumbling fools or make their lives difficult. What gives, Disney!?

Me: Maybe they just hate the parents?

S: I reckon it's to make the heroes and heroines more, I don't know, relatable? If they're an orphan than they're all alone and have to struggle more, and if they're semi-orphans than they have to fight for their independence and have an excuse to go on their adventure in the first place. My father's trapped in a mansion in the woods? My father's a moron who's been manipulated by his Grand Vizier? My father's a xenophobic douche who doesn't understand my love for some guy I've NEVER talked to once? AWAY I GO!

Me: The message here, kids, seems to be "Rebel against your parents! Everything will be alright!" Didn't work for my friend who is a young mother with two kids and stuck at home and separated from her husband. All for the sake of rebelling against her parents!

S: BACK TO MADAME MEDUSA! (Seriously, we're going off track here…)

Me: Ugly as fuck. Ugly as fuck. UGLY AS FUCK!

S: She's quite the loathsome character but, funnily enough, she never really dies in the end, does she? I mean, what's she's doing is just as bad as Percival from the sequel but her loss at the end is portrayed in a slightly comical if not ambiguous way.

I mean, don't get me wrong, the last we see of her is pretty ominous and, like Shere Khan in Jungle Book 2, all fingers point to her eventually dying, but what she did to Penny was FAR worse than what Percival McLeach did in the sequel! She had Penny trapped away for ages and repeatedly forced her into a dangerous situation while threatening the poor girl.

Me: At least they made a degree of effort and didn't make her into a complete Cruella Clone.

S: I don't know… There are tons of similarities and they're all noted down on her entry for Disney Wikia. The only difference is that while Cruella was obsessed with getting her Dalmation fur coat, Medusa was obsessed with getting her big, rare diamond.

Me: True…

S: She's one of the few Disney villains to not have their own song, though. Which is just as well because her voice could break glass!

Me: Oh yeah, readers, if you want to blame anyone for the shitty sequels that destroyed your beloved childhood, then point your fingers at The Rescuers! Apparently this film was so good that they decided to make a sequel and then made the whole bunch for the other films that would soon follow! IT'S THE RESCUERS FAULT WE HAVE HUNCHBACK 2!

S: No, Hollie! Stop! The Rescuers is a good film! The sequel is even better as is Lion King 2! How could anyone know the garbage that would be released for the rest! D:

Me: I don't care! This film started it!

S: By the way, fun fact here, Jenny from Oliver and Company was originally going to be Penny after she was rescued and adopted. However, Disney didn't think this would be believable enough and just made her a whole new character. So, in case you were wondering why Jenny resembles Penny so much and their names are the same save for different first letters, now you know!

Me: Well, they couldn't have made it more obvious if they tried, let's face it. Back to Medusa!

S: Should be the fucking title for this chapter, that's how much we keep saying it. xD How stupid is she for keeping two crocodiles as her pets and then whipping them later on? If The Simpsons movie (which is average and nowhere near as good as Seasons 3-8) taught us anything, it's that animals you're mistreating WILL turn on you first chance they get!

Me: *Coughs* Scar! Hyenas! Eaten alive! *Coughs*

S: What she said.

Me: Let's get onto the gravestone shall we?

_Here Lies Madame Medusa_

_Born – Do we care? NO! _

_Died – Considering the last we saw of her, she was hanging on for dear life while her pet crocodiles circled her, most likely when she lost her grip and fell into their open jaws! _

_. Brings to mind the story of the woman and her python, hehehe (more on that later)._

_. Well, at least we know where he-who-must-not-be-named (no, NOT Voldemort) got his master plan from. You – a diamond, him – a Bell. And you thought you'd get away with it HOW exactly?_

_. You kidnap a girl and then leave her in the care of your bumbling, twofaced sidekick who WILL backstab you for the diamond? What the hell were you doing before the film that was so important!? _

_. And so nobody thought to give her a mirror? Just saying…._

_. If she's anything like Ursula, Cruella and Yzma than she probably thinks she's a real stunner. _

_. Should have had villain song. _

S: Sorry, folks, that's all we've got. All I can say is: she could have been so much more.

Me: SO much more. You know what, she was so… forgettable that I'm not sure we can even make a good song or poem for her.

S: Agreed. Now, rather than attempting to do and coming up with a mediocre result, like we did with Madame Mim, we're going to try something different for once.

Me: We're going to give OUR list of our favourite Disney villains! So, for some reason Madame Medusa made it to number 16 on Disney's list…personally, I think that's too generous.

**The Order Of Disney Villains According to S and Hollie (the right way, let's face it)**

Frollo (I mean, come on! As if it would be anyone else!)

Sarousch! Sarousch! (S! YOU TRAITOR)

LIES, ALL LIES! It's really Maleficent. She is the Mistress of All Evil, for the win!

Jafar (Entertaining as hell as his beard is so twisted.)

Ursula (Best female villain song EVER!)

Gaston (Nobody takes the number 5 spot like Gaston!)

Scar (Awesome voice!)

Hades (A God HAS to be in the top 10!)

Professor Ratigan (C'mon, its Vincent Price man!)

Ratcliffe (Has there been a catchier song than 'Mine, Mine, Mine?'

Capitan Hook (Would have been higher if he'd killed Wendy).

Cruella De Vil (If she doesn't scare you, not even S ever will)

Wicked Queen (Creepy, vain bitch.)

Shere Kahn (Again, would have been higher, but WHY,WHY, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL THAT LITTLE RAT, MOWGOLI?!)

Shan Yu (So low cos we just didn't see enough of him).

The Horned King (Creepy. As. Fuck.)

Madam Medusa (Personally, I would have given it to Mother Gothel. She knows best.)

S: Well that's our list. Agree with us? Disagree? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the reviews!

Me: Next choice is between Horned King from The Black Cauldron and Prince John from Robin Hood. You decide!

S: Until next time!

Me: Bye bye!


	32. Prince John

Me: Good FUCKING grief, Christian Bale! Dedication, readers! Dedication at its absolute finest! And scariest! And shock!

S: If you have no idea what Hollie's talking about, we just watched The Machinist. The one Christian Bale lost a shit ton of weight for.

Me: And we mean a SHIT ton of weight. I know Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman lost weight for their respective parts as Fantine and Valjean, but dropping from 163 pounds to 110 is just shocking. AND he wanted to drop to 100. He's mad, he's insane, but I admire his dedication – that's living on an apple, a can of tuna and a latte every day. *Jaw hits the floor*

S: Method actors are crazy, that's all I'll say! Still, I recommend the film! It's awesome and has an amazing twist at the end!

Me: I just love films with twists, the bigger the better – though I HATE Fight Club with a vengeance! Anyway…back to you….reviewers *gets out cutlery and condiments* Fresh meat…..

S: Never seen Fight Club but I hear the author preferred the movie ending over the book. Kind of like Stephen King with The Mist, which I HAVE seen and love, love, LOVE! Anyway, let's thank the reviewers!

Me: **SideshowJazz1** – I don't believe we have done Mother Gothel, but she is definitely on the hit list! And I haven't actually seen Prince John either…I must visit YouTube…. I really like 'Savages' too, it's a great song! Here's Prince John and thank you!

S: **Nyx27Seth **– Hi there! Oh man, I read tons of manga! I'm never getting out of reading it! The ones I'm reading right now though are Rosario + Vampire, Black Butler, Umineko no Naku Koro Ni, Puella Magi Madoka Magica aaaaand, Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni. Yeah, they're a tad bit dark. xD Sorry, in the end the votes came to a draw and we had to flip a coin and it came up with Prince John. Horned King will be in the next chapter (I can't wait, personally!)

Me: **Kimball20** – You're welcome, but sorry, Prince John won thanks to a tie break and fatal, heart stopping sudden death moment of heads or tails. Blame the tails. The tails…. Anyway, look forward to the Horned King next chapter.

S: **517wiiface** – Your wish is granted, we're doing Prince John!

Me: **Kamokazi **– Shan Yu is a rather good Disney villain, but it's a shame that he was massively underused, and yes, on Madame Mim and Edgar, I agree – they suck. Thank you, we're glad you're enjoying it!

S: **TheDisnerd – **Actually, my friend, Prince John doesn't. What the heck could he have sung about anyway? "Mommy never loved me, boo hoo! She chose Richard over me!" Yeeeeeah, we already know from Little Mermaid 2 that those kinds of songs don't work all that well. Cheers for that! Medusa was such a disappointment.

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – I've seen neither, but I've heard really good things! Its strange though, that compared to the so called 'classics' The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under really get pushed to the bottom of the pile and shoved aside in favour of soppy rubbish like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. That list didn't take us very long at all, but it goes to show how great the villains are in Disney! The Horned King is good and creepy, but sorry, he didn't win, so it's Prince John! We hope you like it!

S: **Sweetpanda12 – **He's a villain voiced by John Hurt from the film The Black Cauldron. It came out in 1985 and was the first Disney film to ever receive a PG rating. Disney would rather have it that the film never existed due to how poorly it did. Which is understandable since the film is admittedly dreary and quite morbid compared to their other stuff. I'm rambling though, so I'll leave my thoughts for the next chapter!

Hah, got to agree with you there about Prince John. Keep reading and you'll know my thoughts on the whiny lion!

Me: **Rainlily216** – That's what S and I thought – again, it's another case of Shan Yu, someone they could have done a whole lot more with, but didn't! All villains need at least one misdeed/moment/song to make them memorable, otherwise what's the point of having them? They'll be forgotten the moment the credits roll! I bet us fanfiction lot could run the Disney Company better, as we seem to have more imagination than all of them put together! I'll forever hold it against my once beloved Disney that they brought us He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. He who's name begins with an S and ends in a H… Like S's name….

S: I never noticed that until now. O_o Jesus Christ, I hate you! Not only did you remind me of that waste of animation, you've gone and compared him to my awesome name. Damn you! *Cough* Anyway, moving on! **DarkDancer07** – Hollie says she's on her way to your house with a shotgun. Thought I'd give you a heads up.

Sorry, but I just don't think McLeach is good enough a villain to be in my Top 16. There are better villains and Hollie I and chose them. Yeah, but I still think Medusa was worse than McLeach. McLeach was harmless to Cody until he learned that the boy was in contact with the eagle he wanted. Medusa had bad intentions towards Penny right from the start.

Me: **Firehawk2400** – Well here's your wish, its Prince John and rest assured he's going to be crushed by us! CRUSHED I TELL YOU!

S: **Celestial Rainstorm – **We'll definitely do Rouke from Atlantis but it's been years since I saw Dinosaur. I'll see if I can give it another watch with Hollie so we know who we're talking about. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing!

Prince John

Me: Never seen Robin Hood, but I'm not liking the sound of Prince John!

S: Robin Hood is kind of like The Wizard of OZ for me. It starts off great but it _really_ lags halfway. I always started to lose a little interest when it got to the bit were Robin saved Maid Marian and they all had a party or some shit. Still, it's a good film though not the type I'd jump to watch if it was on TV, you know? As for Prince John… Well, I have a love/hate thing going for him.

Me: A few words to describe him are a 'coward' and a 'crybaby.' Dear oh dear this is all sounding just a little bit too familiar, Disney! Scar! Oh Scar! I've found you a friend!

S: Hey now, hey now! I won't have you comparing poor Scar to Prince John! Scar _was_ a whiny little bitch and a brother and parents complex, but he was _far_ more awesome and is one of the few Disney villains to date to actually kill off one of the heroes! If anything, Prince John is more like Morgana!

Me: Meh! He still has some Scar traits, especially where the 'brotherly love' is concerned! Prince John however did just seem to sit on his throne, whinging and whining.

S: And counting his money and sucking his thumb. On one hand, I find it pathetic and think he'd be laughed out of the building by the other Disney villains. On the other, he does make some hilarious faces and the "Mommy!" thing was pretty funny.

Me: I must give it a watch sometime! Anyway….the gravestone….

_Here lies Prince John_

_Born – Nottingham_

_Died – erm…. Nottingham?_

_. The brother of the Great King Richard! (Tee hee hee!)_

_. Taxing the poor to feed the rich? He must have been a Conservative! _

_. So true! George Osbourne and David Cameron would have LOVED him! _

_. Screwed over by Disney yet again, he must be spinning in his grave! Have a good chat up there with Victor Hugo!_

_. Nobody has been more fitting for the "Worst Boss" award since The Horned King!_

_. Yes they fucking well have, his name is Steven! _

_. Oh yeah, your old boss! He isn't a Disney villain though… as far as we know. _

_. That can be arranged! _

_. Think Richard ever forgave him or we stuck in prison for the rest of his life? _

_. Keep the whiny bitch in prison, sucking his baby thumb!_

_. He probably died quickly. If someone didn't kill his crying arse than he probably just deteriorated. No way was he cut out for prison! _

S: Oh Disney, why do you hate historical figures so! The real Prince John was actually an okay guy. His mother did favour Richard; however he was his father's favourite son because of his intellect. The reason why Prince John raised up the taxes to begin with was because of Richard's involvement in the Holy Lands. It cost money and Prince John had no choice but to tax the people, which in turn made him unpopular and seen as a money-grubbing villain.

Me: Well, at least Disney got one thing right: He had a foul temper.

S: They left out the going mad in old age and crawling on the floor and biting chair legs though, haha.

Me: Wouldn't have looked out of place with the Disney version. If anything, it would have made him even more hilarious.

S: So true! Anyway, onto the poem!

_Who has issues with his mother?_

_Loves money and power like no other?_

_Who is a bad boss to all his minions?_

_And doesn't care about anyone's opinions?_

_Why, Prince John!_

_Robin Hood caused problems for his temporary reign._

_"Robbing from the rich and giving to the poor" hurt his brain._

_Acted like a little bitch, crying and sucking his thumb._

_Mommy favourited his big brother and made him glum._

_Poor Prince John!_

_Naturally he went straight to hell when he died._

_Between you and me, he's in for a bumpy ride._

_He'll be wearing rags and be completely broke._

_And to the demons, you see, he's quite the joke._

_That's Prince John!_

_They'll mock him and torment him with glee._

_Show him all the things about him they see._

_Like how Sir Hiss and Sheriff of Nottingham felt for him nothing but scorn._

_And everyone else, including his mother, wished he'd never been born._

_Goodbye, Prince John!_

Me: Very good S, you are getting better in your old age!

S: Old!? Who says I'm old! I'm one year older than you, you cheeky bitch!

Me: One year and two days S! Mustn't forget those vital two days! Anyway, the Horned King is next! So Long all!

S: Bye! *Grabs shotgun*


	33. The Horned King

Me: So…I haven't seen this film, (well I have, but when I was six, so I don't remember it. It doesn't count!) I barely know this villain, but I LOVE him? Know why? COS ITS JOHN HURT!

S: Ollivander, Elephant Man, Hazel, Timothy John Evans, Winston Smith, bitches! Bow down to this man and his amazing, amazing voice!

Me: I cannot decide who the best Disney villain voice actor was: John Hurt or Vincent Price?

S: *Turns to glare at Hollie* YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLACK CAULDRON _OR_ BASIL THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE! ANY ARGUMENT YOU MAKE IS _INVALID!_

Me: *Glares back* Oh, why don't you just fuck off, S!

S: This is my house. YOU fuck off!

Me: Don't care. Your mum loves me and says I'm like a second daughter to her. I'm practically family! AND, my mum is coming to pick me up tomorrow.

S: *Grumble, grumble, grumble*

Me: Guess what, readers! S and I have known each other for four VERY long years, and this is the first time our mothers are meeting! Long overdue!

S: About fucking time!

Me: Lazy pair of bitches!

S: A toast, my friend, for the vicious cycle is FINALLY over! To clarify, every time we visit each other, our mothers send a present round. Back and forth they go, NEVER meeting. For FOUR FUCKING YEARS!

Me: I doubt it. Them meeting won't stop the cycle. THE CYCLE CAN NEVER BE BROKEN, S! It's the Circle of Life! You know that song, S!

S: Best song in the Lion King! Anyway, onto our reviewers!

Me: **TheDisnerd** – Weell, we did mean he didn't sing one in the film. But, S is totally to blame for this (as usual). I haven't seen Robin Hood, SHE has! Disney, my friend, go educate S! She may be an encyclopaedia for The Simpsons, but she is not worthy compared to you! ;) Cheers for the review!

S: **SideshowJazz1** – Yes, the Horned King is terrifying, isn't he? I'd go so far as to say that, visually, he is the scariest Disney villain yet. Well, next to Chernabog, that is. Oh, this film is nowhere NEAR the worst Disney movie ever made! If you want the worst, then I give you Home on the Range. What a piece of shit that was! ¬¬ Do I recommend you watch it? Well, that's tricky…Read our thoughts on it and hopefully that'll help you make up your mind. ^^

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Ah, keep my arm! It's merely a flesh wound! See if I give a shit!

S: Yeah! 'Tis but a scratch! She's had worse! (If you know the movie I'm quoting, than a cookie for you, readers!)

Me: Anyway, in answer to your question. It's because Disney is twists history and likes to make someone out to be bad when they weren't. They thrive on the good vs evil formula and if there's one thing that history has showed us (WW1, for example) that it's not always that simple. Prince John and King Richard III already had bad reputations, so naturally they HAD to be the villains.

S: **Nyx27Seth** – Cheers! Thanks for reading and reviewing! ^^ What manga do you have? My current ones are Rosario and Black Butler, though I'm looking for other stuff. Everyone's raving about Attack on Titan, but that looks too depressing, even for me! xD

Me: **AngelOfDarkness1959** – As for Prince John, I cannot comment since I've never seen the film. Not that I remember much of the Black Cauldron, but, hey! It's John Hurt and the Horned King fucking rocks! Listen to that voice!

S: **Sweetpanda12** – Hey! Thanks for reviewing! Man, I'm looking forward to Mother Gothel's chapter! So much to say about her and the film! ^^ Hehehe, there are a lot of things in the Disney films that make no sense! I could make a LIST of them!

Me: **dramaqueen5611** – Well, I'd agree that Hades is pretty awesome! Not so sure about Hercules though and didn't mind Meg. Never did see what was so great about Hercules, but whatever. S and I do take turns on the computer. Usually typing and so forth. Meh, we just get it done and unleash our madness onto fanfiction!

Horned King

Me: Oh my God, this guy gives me the creeps! I agree with S, he is TERRIFYING for a Disney villain and I'm 22 and think so!

S: Definitely! Though, funnily enough, my autistic twin brother LOVES the Black Cauldron. Like, he watches it whenever it's on! Which is ironic given how the film lacks the flair, colour, songs and music that the classics like Lion King and Aladdin had.

Me: I quite like that it's not as bright and humorous as the rest of their films. I like that they dared to do something this dark. Pity it flopped. But, it's fucking terrifying! I cannot stress this enough!

S: See, THAT'S why it flopped! It was too drastic a change from their previous stuff. Granted, its predecessor, The Fox and the Hound, wasn't exactly a walk in the park either, but this film was just something else entirely! Where do I even START with this? Let me make it clear, readers, I like this film, but my feelings for it are very much love-hate. It has A LOT of flaws!

Me: I can understand why it was rated PG compared to the other movies. The Horned King's death scene is BRUTAL! I mean, up until this film, only two Disney villains had died at that point (Maleficent, and Queen Grimhilde fell from cliffs). Sure, they weren't nice and left little to the imagination, but the Horned King's takes it to another level. Like, Rasputin's death from the Anastasia film, brutal!

S: To explain, he was sucked into the infamous black cauldron and killed. But, it was all animated in graphic detail in the film. His green, decayed skin was ripped off and he was shown screaming in agony before dying. Violent, violent stuff, my friends! I suppose it's fitting for a character as horrifying as him! And let's not even get into the deleted footage where his 'Cauldron Born' army kill his minions. NO WAY was that shit acceptable for kids!

Me: No way, no how. I saw the footage and it wasn't even subtle like Hellfire from Hunchback which went over kid's heads. It showed a minion dissolving graphically until he's nothing but a skeleton, for God's sake! Shudder!

S: Right, before I go into my reasons why I'm very much on the fence about this film, let's first get old Horned King's gravestone out of the way!

_Here lies the Horned King_

_Born – God knows…We'd be too scared to ask._

_Died – You're asking us when the living undead DIED? Fuck's sake, we're not genius here! _

_. Fuck off out of my nightmares, you fucking creep!_

_. Congratulations, you are officially the scariest mofo of all the Disney villains!_

_. That'll teach you to mess with dark objects!_

_. And not a single fuck was given the day he died!_

_. Also quite possibly the worst boss out of all of them! Seriously, he's worse than Hades! _

_. What an epic voice! _

_. Seriously, I SO torn on whose performance I loved more: Vincent Price as Rattigan or John Hurt as the Horned King. DAMN YOU, DISNEY!_

_. Well, watch what I do if they ever try to replace either voice with Michael Gambon like they did with poor Richard Harris's Dumbledore. _

_. Screw Jafar and Hades, pair THIS guy up with Maleficient. Match made in HELL! _

Me: And my problem, guys, with THAT particular recast all comes down to THIS line… "HARRY POTTER! _DIDYOUPUTYOURNAMEINTHEGOBLETOFFIRE?!_"

S: *Manhandles poor, terrified Harry* "DID YOU!? _ANSWER ME!_" *Slaps him like a bitch* …Oh wait, that wasn't in there. May as well have been. Seriously, Dumbledore, that's Snape's job!

Me: It so is! What happened to the wise, CALM and kind headmaster of Hogwarts. Cause I wasn't in Gambon's Dumbledore! Hey Horned King, raise Harris from the dead!

S: Er, Hollie, it doesn't WORK that way! He'd be an animated mess of BONES!

Me: Don't give a shit! That animated mess of bones would still be a better Dumbledore than Gambon! :(

S: I swear, that scene in Goblet of Fire is THE funniest scene in the Harry Potter films, but for all the WRONG reasons!

Me: Oh really, S? I take that and give you Hermione's amazing, super expressive eyebrows!

S: …Fuck you! Anyway, we're getting a little off topic here! Back to the Horned King! As I've said, my feelings on this film are 50/50. If any of you readers haven't watched this, I honestly am torn on whether I should recommend it to you… Ok, first let me tell what's right about it!

First of all, the villain, as we've stated MANY times, is pure awesomeness! I mean, WOW! Horned King is in another league of his own! Like, we're talking about Maleficent and Chernaborg level here! As far as I'm concerned, he is what they tried to do with Shan Yu years later and failed at replicating. As in, he's a subtle villain who doesn't appear much but still manages to make an amazing impression.

Me: In the ten minutes of scenes I saw of him, he scared the fucking pants off me. I mean, Jesus, when he loses his temper at the end and tries to kill Taran! *Shudders again*

S: His voice is on par with Tony Jay and Vincent Price. It takes an amazing villain to manage to scare the crap out of you just by saying _one_ word, but he manages it. Like, everything that comes out of his bony mouth is dripping with evil and malice!

As well as this, he's also a Disney villain who comes across as an actual threat. He isn't comedy relief like Captain Hook or Hades. He's like Maleficent, serious and making an impression every time he appears. By the time he makes his first appearance, he's already got Princess Eilonwy locked up, as well as Fflewddur Fflam, because, well for the lulz, I guess. As for our main hero, Taran? Shitting his pants when he first sets eyes on him, and can you blame him?

He's also one of the few Disney villains who knows when to stop fucking around. Kid won't cooperate? "Okay, fine. I'll just kill your beloved pig since she's clearly no use to me." And he _meant_ it! No bluffing , he was ready to slay the little piggy! Bravo, Horned King, you magnificent bastard!

Me: Totally! He's one villain who doesn't beat around the bush or make sly comments and threats he doesn't intend to keep. Like SOME "villains" we could mention.

S: *Cough*Sarouch!*Cough* Although, to be fair, even the best Disney villains tend to boast and mess up. It's the "James Bond Villain" syndrome. They've got to brag and waste time. Horned King's too good for that shit. He needs to school them! Bitch slap Madam Mim and chuck Sarousch into the cauldron!

Me: The world would rejoice if that happened. Sigh! They don't make villains like the Horned King anymore!

S: Interestingly, in the books the film was based after, Horned King isn't the big bad of the series. He only appears in one book. The main villain is actually Arawn, who apparently is based on the God of Death in Welsh mythology. He doesn't make any appearance in the film, of course, but his face appears on the Black Cauldron during the Horned King's death. It's heavily implied his "spirit" is trapped inside it.

Let me just say it's a damn shame that such an AWESOME Disney villain is so underrated because the film was such a commercial failure. Onto my next point: Things wrong with the film!

Me: Proceed! I'll be listening since I barely remember this film!

S: And that's one of its biggest flaws! Think of every Disney film you've watched and I can bet you can tell me at least five things you remember from all of them, right? You cannot do that with the Black Cauldron! I saw Hunchback when I was six and I always remembered scenes from it. Hollie, you saw this film when you were the same age and you can't remember shit!

Me: *Pokes S* Hey! Don't insult my memory!

S: For once, Hollie, I'm not! It's an insult to this film! Apart from the Horned King, there's just nothing memorable about this film! No catchy songs, no particularly memorable characters outside two or three and the pacing of the plot is just AWFUL!

The scenes with The Fair Folk (fairies, for those who have no idea what I'm talking about) and the three witches go on for bloody FOREVER! Seriously, the former is boring as hell while the latter borders on "How did they get this into a kid's movie?" I mean, Fflewddur Fflam is turned into a frog and thrown down the fat witch's cleavage! He's stuck there for a good while too!

Our hero and heroine aren't exactly all that likeable (they spend most of the film bitching at each other while Taran annoys me more than Aladdin), while animation-wise, the film is very grey and dreary. Sleeping Beauty at least had some colour and humour thrown in, same for Hunchback (though you could argue that the gargoyles spoiled it…), but The Black Cauldron doesn't. It tries, bless it, with the three witches, but that just comes off as incredibly awkward.

I've complained enough, I think. To all who haven't seen it, I recommend you watch it if only to see John Hurt's amazing voice work as The Horned King. He truly is something to behold and it's such a crime he's not remembered as much as the rest. Then again, he wasn't put on the DVD cover because he was deemed too scary, so I guess that tells you something, huh?

I wouldn't go in expecting an amazing movie, however. It has its merits, but it's just too dark and it cannot make up its mind on _who_ it wants to be aimed at. Hunchback worked because it was something both adults and kids alike could enjoy. The Black Cauldron…not so much. The humour and violence is definitely NOT appropriate for kids, that's for sure! It's too adult for children, but too childish for adults. I think that's the perfect way to describe this film.

Me: Yeah, I've got one thing to say. And BREATHE!

S: Bitch, I'm trying to review this movie! Anyway, let me TRY and do a poem. I'll be honest; I don't think I'll ever do any justice to this guy. He's just too damn good! I don't think I can even TRASH him because he didn't DO anything stupid or wrong! Apart from having NO backup plan, he did everything right. You know what, screw it! For the first time ever, I'm going to _PRAISE_ the villain, not insult him!

**Bow before the Horned King!**

_Attention Disney villains! Sit down, shut up, and take note!_

_Here's a villain who has the right to stand up and gloat! _

_His name is the Horned King. Let there be no mocking, insults or jest. _

_Know why? Cause he's a villain who truly was the best of the best! _

_Beautiful Queen Grimhilde's vanity caused her to become weak. _

_That poison apple did sod all saving her falling off that peak. _

_The Coachman of Pleasure Island may have got away scot free_

_But Stromboli and Monstro are more memorable, I'm sure you'll agree. _

_It's true; Lady Tremaine was a massive bitch with a truly punchable smirk._

_But, the Horned King was by far a nastier, more dangerous piece of work. _

_Wonderland's the Queen of Hearts lopped off many a head_

_However, did the loony fatass ever fill your heart with dread?_

_Captain Hook was Peter Pan's bitch. He was one pathetic dude._

_If the little brat tried that shit on the Horned King, he'd be screwed! _

_Maleficent was the Mistress of All Evil. Yes, she raised the bar pretty damn high._

_But, guess what! So did the undead King. We bet Old Horny's her kind of guy. _

_Cruella de Vil, Shere Khan, Edgar, Prince John, Gaston, Scar and Frollo, you say?_

_Small potatoes! He and his army of Cauldron Born would kick their arses any day!_

_Rattigan, Ursula, Jafar and Hades came close. World domination was their goal as well._

_But, I'm afraid Horned King has a special place just for him deep down in the pits of hell. _

_It's because the demons, much as they hate to admit it, are his number one fans._

_Can you blame them? The scary, evil bastard would have won if he'd made some backup plans! _

_So, as this poem comes to an end, let Hollie and I say one final thing. _

_Thank you John Hurt, for your voice and role as The Horned King!_

Me: Bravo! S, you're the top of the class!

S: *Bows* Thank you! Man, was that one fun to write! In fact, this whole damn chapter was fun to do!

Me: Okay, so the next choices are Rourke from Atlantis and all the villains from Pinocchio. Get voting!

S: Laters! We look forward to your reviews!


	34. Pinnocchio Villains

Me: THAT FUCKING FILM! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED £7:85 WATCHING THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT THEY CALLED GOOD! FUCKING GOOD, MY ARSE! THEY CAN TAKE ALL THE GOOD REVIEWS AND STICK THEM UP THEIR STINKING ARSES!

S: …Erm…

Me: AND NOT JUST MY PRECIOUS £7:85! 99 MINUTES OF MY PRECIOUS LIFE! I FUCKING HATE REMAKES! ARGH! MR BREAD! OH MR BREAD! I NEED YOU TO STAB! *Lets out deep breath* S, you may proceed…

S: Ok, first of all, I'm surprised you even still remember Mr Bread!

Me: I'm NEVER going to forget Mr Bread!

S: Whatever. Second of all, for once, I agree with you. Dear readers, in case you have no idea what Hollie's talking about, she's fuming over the Carrie remake. We went to see it and…yeah. It was shit. What else can we say?

Me: I can say PLENTY! It SUCKED! The acting was shit! I thought Chloe Mortez was a good actress, what was up with all the blank staring and arm waving? Telekinesis is a MIND power! WHERE is the need for arm movements?! Sissy Spacek didn't feel the need to wave her arms like a damaged windmill! And do not even get me started on the girl who played the 'villain.' I've seen better acting in a Barbie movie! Yes…I have actually seen a Barbie movie, GOD help me, thanks to YOU, Amy!

S: Can I…

Me: NO! I'M TALKING BITCH! And that teacher! What teacher acts like THAT in real life! And Julianna Moore, you should be ASHAMED! Basically, the whole movie would be like them casting Russell Crowe in Les Misérables!

S:. Erm…..

Me: FUCK! OFF!

S….

Me: Your turn. I need to calm down.

S: But, Hollie, they _did_ cast Russell Crowe as Javert in Les Misérables. You hated him.

Me: You delusional bitch, it was Alan Rickman as Javert! It was Helena Bonham Carter and Sascha Baron Cohen who were terrible in that movie.

S: No, Alan Rickman did not play Javert (sadly…) and, let's both just agree that all three of them were awful in that movie.

Me: Agreed. Can't believe I'm agreeing with you.

S: …Fuck you! Anyway, as for Carrie, yeah, it was nowhere near as good as the original. I just didn't feel for Sue and Tommy like I did in the original, while some of the scenes were literally word for word or scene for scene like the original.

I just didn't like it. So, pretty much the same reasons as you, Hollie.

Me: And, right now, we're watching a _good_ film! Titanic!

S: I remember when we saw that in 3D IMAX. So amazing.

Me: That it was. That it was. Anyway, let's move onto the chapter before I go into another hate-filled rant.

**SideshowJazz1** – Your wish is granted, but with Michael Gambon, I guess we'll have to beg to differ, I thought he was rubbish from PoA onwards. That damn scene in GoF STILL has me frothing at the mouth! But yes, that they DIDN'T explain the Marauders was rather annoying, as they are very important to the books! As for Bellatrix, I HATE her for killing Sirius, but I sometimes think Umbridge is just as bad, especially with her equal racism or bigotry, whatever you'd like to call it! Thanks for your comments and I hope you like this chapter!

S: **kendramccormick** – Hello! Hollie may not know who Bill Moseley is, but I most certainly do. He was Luigi in 'Repo the Genetic Opera' and was recently in 'The Devil's Carnival', both which I have seen. ;) Thank you for your lovely comments; I'm very touched that you think Hollie and I are good enough to have a career in Disney, haha. I've read The Saga of Darren Shan! Never finished it, but I really should since I got so into it. Anyway, watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame when you can, and thank you for your lovely review!

Me: **Nyx27Seth** – Sorry dude, but Pinocchio won. As for The Black Cauldron, I do love the Horned King, but….it's about the only thing about the film I DO love. Amazing character, amazing voice (come on man, JOHN HURT) and arguably one of the best Disney deaths ever, buuuut…other than that…the film isn't particularly impressive. But defiantly not for kids. Anyway, thank you for reviewing and for your comments and I'll leave S to the manga chat.

S: I'll check out Soul Eater some time! Currently, I'm checking Neon Genesis Evangelion. As for mangas to recommend? Higurashi, Umineko, Madoka, I could go on and on. :P

**TheDisnerd** – Have no fear, that's exactly what we're doing. First, the Pinocchio villains, and then Rourke! I'm looking forward to doing him, hehe.

Me: **dramaqueen5611** – Sorry again, but Atlantis didn't win. I won't go over the same stuff I said above, but yeah, the best thing about The Black Cauldron was The Horned King. Thanks for your review!

S: **allie1207** – Thank you for reviewing! We hope you enjoy this chapter!

Me: **Guest** – Yeah as about The Horned King is magnificent, easily could be called the father of all Disney villains. It is a shame that not more effort was put into the rest of the film as it was him, otherwise it could have easily been up there as high as some of the more popular films. Sorry, Rourke lost, but I promise he'll be next. Thanks for reviewing!

S: **Rayne Viridian** – Wow, I can't believe you read all 33 that quickly! Hollie and I are in awe and very touched! ^^ I agree with you about Rouke. He has a great voice actor, but he is a little flat as a villain. I think he and his sidekick, Helga Sinclair are the best things about the movie, but more on that in the next chapter! Thanks again for you review and we hope you enjoy the chapter!

Me: **Anonymous** – Thank you for your review, however we do not intend to cover villains from Disney television series. Only the movies. :)

S: **DarkDancer07** – Cheers, Amy! Well, there's a first for everything, am I right? Well, your wish is granted, we're doing Pinocchio!

Me: **Danny** – Thank you for reviewing! And here is your wish granted. Hope you like it.

The Villains of Pinocchio

By the by readers, as we're watching Titanic, it just struck me just how like Lord Farquaad Cal is. And, on the subject, how the mother resembles Lady Tremaine. And as for that creepy manservant of Cal's… well, a Pantomime villain comes to mind. What do you think, S?

S: Totally. God, Cal was such a douchebag. Got a strong 'bitch slap' oh him though, ha-ha.

Me: Urgh, that's a horrible scene when he slaps her. If he did it for real instead of faking it, that must have hurt poor Kate Winslet!

S: It looks real. I mean, DAMN, the way her head just snaps to the side afterwards. Anyway, we're about halfway through, riiight when the iceberg hits. That's when the real fun begins!

Me: Oh. My. Fucking. GOD. I REALLY hope the crew didn't REALLY do this. I mean, I'm sorry, but what good is it, turning the propellers in the opposite direction? The momentum will still carry the ship forward! Ha ha ha, I love the character of Tommy though, 'if that's the direction the rats are going, that's good enough for me!"

S: The "third class" characters were the best, haha! Anyway, onto Pinocchio! For this, we'll be covering all the antagonists: Stromboli, The Coachman, Monstro, Gideon and Honest John.

Me: Well, I find The Coachman most creepy personally, even Honest John and his dopey counterpart were frightened when he revealed his plans. Even in the book, he's supposed to be far darker!

S: Can you blame them? The expression on his face when he says "they never come back... as _boys_!" is _horrifying!_ And then you find out how he is in the book and it just gets worse. Biting off half of a donkey's ears is not for kids, dammit!

Me: I don't think the book was meant for kids…not young kids, anyway.

S: Hunchback sure as hell wasn't, but Disney still adapted that, haha. Apparently, The Coachmen is supposed to be something like Mephistopheles from the 'The Tragical History of Dr Faustus". Makes sense when you think about it. He offers ultimate pleasure to the boys, just like Mephistopheles offered ultimate knowledge to Faust and both came to collect their payment eventually. Oh and not to mention his creepy henchmen!

Me: Just…it gives me the shivers! Especially in the scene where it's all empty at Pleasure Island, then we switch to Pinocchio and his annoying new friend…and they begin to turn into donkeys…then his friend goes crazy because he's so scared…it's a really creepy scene and I'm not really a massive fan of Pinocchio.

S: I know. For me it's when Candlewick starts screaming, "_Mama!_" over and over until he sounds really demonic and turns into a donkey. Oh and then there's the scene where he's sorting through the donkeys and manhandles one that can still talk. I'd hate to think what he did to those three donkeys that could all speak…

Me: Killed them, isn't it implied?

S: I think so. He sold the 'normal' ones to anyone who would buy and, logically, would _dispose_ of the ones who could tell others of what he'd done. Rather horrifying, isn't it? Oh and let's not forget Stromboli who kidnaps Pinocchio and plans to force him to work for him before burning him once he's no longer useful. Funny thing, out of all the villains in this film, he's the only one who was quite decent in the book.

Me: Was he? He's a nasty fucker in the film! But hey, to bloody Pinocchio…

S: Which you can argue doesn't count since Pinocchio's not a 'real boy' and the height of his villainy is getting rid of non-sentient puppets and all. Plus, let's be honest, Pinocchio was fucking stupid in this film. Like, once he escapes Stromboli, instead of going straight back to Geppetto, he ignores Jiminy Cricket and goes off _again_ with Honest John and Gideon. Yes, because they've proved to be _so_ trustworthy at this point…

Me: Exactly! I'm sorry; Pinocchio has to be the poorest excuse for a Disney hero I've ever seen! I mean, sure, he saves his father, but how about listening and obeying in the first place? Yes, I KNOW about the whole moral thing, but URGH! He keeps going off with COMPLETE strangers!

S: Geppetto's kind of to blame as well though. I mean, your puppet becomes sentient due to your wish and your first act is to send him to _school?_ The fuck is _wrong_ with you, old man? At least teach him some basic stuff like 'stranger danger' before sending him off onto the street alone! Sure, he had Jiminy Cricket, but, let's be honest, he did a shit job as his conscience.

Me: Still got that damn badge, even if he did fuck all. He's so useless!

S: Actually, no! I change my mind. The REAL failure here is the Blue Fairy. Smiling bitch caused SO much trouble throughout the film, seriously!

Me: Well, frankly I wouldn't have brought Pinocchio to life in the first place! Out of ALL the toys in Geppetto's shop, she just HAD to bring to life the ONE thing that was completely, utterly BRAINLESS! Geppetto, why can't you be careful what you wish for!

S: Hey, it's not HIS fault the puppet kept fucking up all the time! But, you know what is his fault? Ending up eaten by a fucking whale! How the hell did that even HAPPEN? If Pinocchio never came back, search around the village, NOT the goddamn ocean!

Me: Well let's just agree, S! The real idiot of the film was fucking Pinocchio! I can't decide who's more annoying, him, Alice or Wendy!

S: It's either him or Wendy for me. I'd say Wendy just because of that damn voice and also because Peter Pan wasn't that great to warrant her following him around like a love-sick puppy.

Me: True…but Alice does have the same voice, and she's equally as stupid. But Pinocchio…URGH! HE'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING! HE SHOULD BE THE DAMN VILLIAN! We need to write HIS gravestone!

S: No, Hollie! Leave that to another chapter! We have to do the villains! Speaking of which, gravestone time!

_Here lies the Pinocchio villains_

_Born – Fuck knows_

_Died – ….as above._

_. That Coachman. Is. Terrifying._

_. Only in a Disney movie could a non-anthropomorphic be portrayed as a bigger villain than a man who lures kids away and turns them into donkeys to abuse and sell into slavery._

_. Come to think of it, it's one of the only Disney films where the villains don't really get their comeuppance._

_. Yes, true! Apart from Monstro, who charges headfirst into some rock and likely dies, the Coachmen and his henchmen, Honest John & Gideon get off scot free._

_. I find it freakier that the coachman got off free, that man was a monster!_

_. Stromboli too, let's not forget him! Though, his height of villainy is burning non-sentient puppets and threatening to do the same to Pinocchio (who isn't a real boy so you could argue that moral implications don't affect him…)_

_. None of these villains have any morals! I feel sorry for the poor donkeys who could still talk and were probably killed….or the coachman kept them as slaves on the island._

S: That reminds me, how DID the Coachmen turn the boys into donkeys anyway? Magic? And WHY are Gideon and Honest John the only anthropomorphic animals (barring Jiminy Cricket) walking and around and talking? Nobody found this odd?

Me: Yeah, S, nobody questions why a stupid little wooden freak was hanging around on his own either, with said talking cricket!

S: Yeah and I'M going to take my logic and give you a hearty fuck you!

Me: Well fuck you too! Just get on with the damned song!

S: Fine! This should be a challenge, since it's in the tune to I've Got No Strings, and it's about four villains rather one.

Me: I still say it's fucking Pinocchio. ¬¬

_Yes, the Coachman did get away._

_No doubt to lead more kids astray._

_But, in time, he'll surely die._

_Then in hell, he will fry._

_As for the fox and cat,_

_in the book they end up fucked._

_Their luck finally fell flat._

_Being blind and lame must have sucked!_

_And is Monstro even alive?_

_How could that whale survive?_

_And Stromboli, that fatass foe._

_He'll soon learn 'you reap what you sow'._

Me: Let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooo, let it gooooooooooooooo, turn around and slam the dooooooooooooooooor! Oh, hello! Yeah….we started this then that atrocity they have the audacity to call_ Carrie_ came out. And it's now April, soooo….yeah. Its S's fault!

S: Hey, we've been busy! You've got your job, I've got my new (and possibly soon to be ex-job with the way things are going…) at the airport. I have NO social life right now, you bitch! D: *Coughs and composes herself*, but yes, I do apologise for how long this chapter has taken.

On the plus side, I FINALLY got to see "Wreck it, Ralph" and "Frozen"! God, those were good movies! Hollie hasn't seen the former yet and likely never will, but I'm a gamer nerd, so I loved every minute of it. While Frozen was just pure awesomeness! Totally didn't see the twist coming!

Me: I sure did! I SO KNEW that…

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Me:…the slimy Prince wasn't genuinely in love with Anna! What a bastard! I did love, however, that the 'act of true love' wasn't for once between the hero and heroine!

S: Seriously, why are we even TRYING to hide the spoiler? There's only one Prince in the fucking movie and it's Hans!

Me: Well, way to give away the ending, S! At least I WARNED people who haven't seen it yet!

S: I don't care! Fuck you! Everybody knows that…

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S:…Hans is the villain and you know why? Because you gave it away by mentioning a Prince! Hans is a Prince, Hollie! Not Olaf, not Kristoff, not even that old crazy man from Weasletown who was a Duke!

Me: I think what really gave it away for me was when…

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Me:…Hans shot down the chandelier and it would have crushed Elsa, had she not got out of the way. It looked like he was trying to stop the solider shooting Elsa, but I found it kinda obvious that he was deliberately trying to kill her. Didn't you get that, S?

S:…Fuck you!

Me: Well, fuck you too! Endings been given away, anyway! So, to anyone who hasn't seen it, tough shit! If you haven't, see it now!

S: God, I can't get "Let it Go" out of my bloody head now! The songs were pretty awesome in that film. I always say that you can tell a Disney film is great if you can remember at least one song from it. I love Tangled, but I barely remember any songs from that.

Me: The animation was pretty magnificent too, especially when Elsa was building the ice palace. Well, anyway, we have whatshisname from Atlantis next….a whole lot better than these bloody villains I'm sure.

S: Rouke, Hollie. His name is Rouke. And yes, we'll be doing him next. Hollie's never watched Atlantis, but I have, so I'll have quite a few things to say about him! Anyway, see you all next chapter! Have fun!

Me: Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye!

Us: Let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, let it gooooooooooooooooooooooo, Turn away and slam the dooooooooor. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage oooooooooooooooooooooooon. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Me: FUCKING SHUT UP!

S: GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

Me: It's been half an hour since we stopped watching this film!

S: We're going to have this song in our head for the rest of the fucking night, mark my words! *Turns to Hollie* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU BROUGHT THAT MOVIE ROUND INTO MY HOUSE!

Me: Bitch, you HAD that song on your iTunes before I even brought the movie here, so shut up!

S: Yes, but watching the movie has got it into my head again! Argh!

Me: Suck it up! Goodbye everyone, we need to bleach our brains of this song!

S: If we survive, we'll see you next chapter! :P


	35. We're lying liars who lie

Me: Ah, how nice it is to be here!

S: Really?! :D

Me: Yes. Oh, not because of you, S, you vain bitch! Just because your house isn't infested with goddamn fucking moths! THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! ITS ROOSTER, TAKE TWO!

S:Hey, hey! My situation is no better! Know why we're at my mum's and not my dad's house? BECAUSE ANTS HAVE TAKEN OVER MY DAD'S PLACE, THAT'S WHY! THE POISON MY BROTHER BROUGHT DID _NOTHING!_

Me: WELL YOU DON'T HAVE FUCKING MOTHS EVERYWHERE! YOU NEVER HAD A ROOSTER GOING COCK-A-FUCKING-DOODLE-FUCKING-DO FOR SIX MONTHS! AND NOW THE FUCKING MOTHS WON'T FUCK OFF!

And there's one that's driving me insane. I've being chasing it around my room for DAYS! It never leaves! It's like the fucking the raven from Poe's "The Raven"!

S: Quoth the moth, "Never more, bitch."

Me: OH FUCK OFF! YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH IT, S? DO YOU!

S: Relaaaaaax. You're at my mum's place for the night! You're safe here, Hollie. There's no annoying moths here, okay?

Me: Fine, but there's still you!

S: …Fuck you!

Me: Well, moths, roosters, ants and S aside….

S: Okay, guys, we've got something to confess. We WERE going to do Rourke from Atlantis, buuuut…

Me: We've decided to do Hans from Frozen.

S: Come on, we just had to!

Me: Well, have to admit, this has got to be Disney's best film in years.

S: Got to agree. I mean, I LOVE Wreck-It-Ralph, but I go by the opinion that, as amazing a movie that is, it's a film that would appeal to gamers the most, whereas Frozen is pretty much for everyone. We're watching it for a second time right now. We just finished 'Do you want to build a snowman?' Now to watch the rest… *Tries to resume playing, but the DVD won't play* What the fuck?

Hollie, it's FROZEN! THE FUCKING DVD IS FROZEN! D:

Me:No shit, Sherlock! *Sees that S means it literally* Oh, FUCK! ELSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

S: Goddamit, Elsa! I know you're grieving your parents, but this is too much! Get your shit together, you miserable bitch!

Seriously, people! This is really happening right now! We had to restart the DVD because it FROZE on us! While we're writing a Disney Gravestone about Frozen!

…You know, I'm getting the feeling that Hans doesn't want us to do this…

Me: Prince Hans can kiss my big, smelly arse! I haven't liked a Disney princess since Belle, and I really like Anna and Elsa!

S: Wait, really? You didn't like Jasmine, Pocahontas or Rapunzel?

Me: No, not really. Nothing about them particularly stood out to me. Anyway, who are you to talk? You hate Jasmine!

S: I do? When did I say that? O_o

Me: In a few chapters back when you called her a "whiny, bratty teenage girl"!

S: *Scrolls back through the chapters*Hey, wait a minute…IT WAS YOU WHO SAID THAT! Don't you go putting words into my mouth, Hollie! If there was a princess I thought was a "whiny, bratty teenage girl", then it was Ariel!

By the way, I think Anna as a Disney princess MOCKS everything that Ariel represents. Another reason I love her, haha! I mean, THINK about it!

Me: Well, fuck you! I wasn't that far off!

S: Whatever. Anyway, for the record, I don't dislike Jasmine, though I do find her kind of annoying. Anyway, enough of that! Time to thank the reviewers!

Me: **SideshowJazz1 – **Hi there! Frozen is a great movie, and I just bought it on a whim, but really enjoyed it! I had Hans rumbled when he shot down that chandelier, but I do wish we'd seen more of his evilness, though leaving Anna to freeze, lying to Elsa that she was dead, then trying to kill her was pretty damn despicable! Good luck with the concert! Let us know how it goes! Yeah that donkey scene in Pinocchio is really scary, but it's that coachman is frightening! We hope you're not too disappointed that we've postponed Rourke until the next chapter! Thanks and enjoy this chapter!

S: **TheDisnerd** – I'll try and get Hollie to see Wreck-It-Ralph, but it'll be hard. She doesn't think it'll be her kind of thing, so it's packed to the brim with references that only a gamer could pick up on. Still, even then, it's a fun movie with quite the nasty, terrifying villain, so I'll keep trying to get her to watch it!

Don't worry; we'll get to Prince John eventually! We just HAD to do Hans from Frozen, because we loved the movie so much. Plus, I got a GREAT parody song in my head planned out. :P

Me: **Kendramccormick** – Well…we have good news and bad news. The bad news is….we're not doing Rourke. But the good news is; we're doing Hans! That coachman creeps me out, he always has and always will, even though I'm now 23. Thanks and hope you like the chapter!

S: **Solaria daughter of Apollo** – Yeaaah… Well, as you can see, we decided to postpone Rourke, at least for one more chapter. We HAD to do Hans and I'm sure you understand. After all, you've got a Frozen avatar, eh? ;) I promise, we'll make this chapter worth it, haha!

Me: **DarkDancer07** – Well, Amy, for one, that was YEARS ago, and two, I was under the influence of alcohol. Watching parts of it again….yeah, it's a bad and it's cheesy. And Put a sock in it, that Carrie remake WAS rubbish. Watch the original, watch the shit heap of a remake, then come back and roll your eyes at me! And, as you might have read four times already, we're doing Hans. Enjoy and see you in September!

S: **Miss P **– Thank you so much your review, Miss P! Hollie and I are flattered and ecstatic you love our chapters so much and they've brought you so much humour. Rest assured, we're nowhere NEAR done. ;)

Me: **Rainlily216 **–Hey there! YES! It might not have been the best Disney film, but it had it' share of terrifying moments! I just find it even scarier that the worst of the worst got off, completely free! When You Wish Upon a Star might not be my favourite Disney song, but it's certainly very iconic and a very good theme song! We'll certainly watch that video! Here, instead of Rourke is Hans, and we promise we'll try to update more regularly!

S: **Danny – **Oh, we LIKE the Disney films, there are just aspects to them that we didn't. Hell, we'll write up a chapter next where we say what we did like…and what we didn't like, because, you know, we love bitching about stuff.

Actually, you know what? That's totally going to be our next chapter, readers! "What we liked and didn't like about the Disney films", all in order!

Me: Well, that'll be easy. Peter Pan: Liked, Captain Hook and the Crocodile. Disliked? Everything else!

S: That's pretty much how it goes for me with The Black Cauldron, haha! Anyway, we've thanked the reviewers! Know what that means, Hollie?

Me: IT'S SHOWTIME

S: Bring on Prince Hans!

**Prince Hans Westerguard of the Southern Isles**

S: God I love this guy. I mean, yeah, he's a colossal dick, he breaks the scales with the fuckery he pulls in this movie, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for the traitor. I could never hate a man who sings a parody of "I feel pretty" so damn well!

Me: Yeeeaah, meanwhile in the real world. He's a complete sociopath!

S: A magnificent sociopath! :D

Me: But STILL a lying, manipulative, devious, treacherous, evil, sly SOCIOPATH!

S: That's what makes him so interesting and memorable, I think. Admit it, if Hans hadn't revealed himself as the big, bad guy of the film, would he have stood out in any way to you?

Me: Absolutely…not.

S: Yeah, I thought so! Personally, I was shocked at the reveal. Hollie may have seen it coming, but I didn't. I honestly thought it was going to repeat of what we got in 'Enchanted': Two hero male leads who are romantically involved with the heroine and one is just meant to be with her while the other accepts it and moves on in the end.

Me: Well, maybe Disney's finally learnt to stop insulting their viewers and repeating the doing the same tired thing again and again?

S: It seems they have. They started to break the classic formula in "Enchanted" by mocking the old Disney tropes that were so popular, like 'love at first sight' and the 'hero always rescuing the heroine' and they finally hit the jackpot with "Frozen". Everything they could have mocked and deconstructed, they did in that film.

Me: That's why I love it. P.S. Done with Frozen and right now watching A Beautiful Mind. Cannot believe I'm drooling over Russell Crowe.

S: He IS handsome in the film. But, enough of that! Time to do the gravestone!

_Here lies __Prince Hans Westerguard of the Southern Isles_

_Born – The thirteenth out of a long line of brothers, all of which were implied to show him no love whatsoever growing up. Sheesh, thirteen really IS an unlucky number…_

_Died – Well…maybe being further neglected and berated by said twelve brothers and unloving parents….hmmmm?_

_. Nah, I don't think Hans is going to die anytime soon. Apparently there are talks to have him in a sequel of sorts and redeem himself. If that happened, then I think we'd have the first major villain to reform, don't you?_

_. *CoughIAGOCough*_

_. I SAID MAJOR VILLAIN, BITCH!_

_. I think someone like him would make a great Bond villain! Can't you just imagine him with a fluffy white cat, sitting on the throne?_

_. No… I'm more twisted. I see him as more of an "American Psycho" character, the way he puts on a façade, blends in with those around him, hiding his true self, an utterely deplorable, cruel, heartless man, underneath it all._

_. Touché! Though, I would like to see what WOULD have happened if he'd tried to pursue Elsa!_

_. As much as I'd like to name drop the film and say 'FROZEN', I think he wouldn't have even gotten that far. He says as much in the film. Any suitors who tried to court Elsa were shot down right from the start._

_Aaaaaanyway – probably one of the most dangerous Disney villains. At least with the others, you knew from the start what you were up against._

_. He's also one of the rare Disney villains who spends the majority of the film doing GOOD deeds before exposing his villainy. Maybe even the ONLY one so far!_

_. Pretty heartless, though, leaving Anna to freeze to death! All of the other ones nearly always physically try to kill the hero or heroine!_

_. I think he would have attempted to kill her if he could have gotten away with it. Letting her freeze just gave him a good opportunity to place all the blame on Elsa. Which is even MORE despicable when you think about it._

_. Two birds with one stone come to mind…gotta love it though, when Anna decks him._

_.You may be pretty and witty and bright, but you'll always be second best. …Or thirteenth best in your case._

S: One of the things I love about what they did with Hans is that, once you realise his true self, it's hard not to see the signs on a second viewing. For instance, 'Love is an Open Door.' The line, "I've been searching my whole life to find my own place", has a whole new meaning now!

Me: Only noticeable the second time around! Its little things like that which makes you go 'Damn, how did I miss that?'

S: Exactly. It's the little things, like the sly, scheming expressions he makes for a split second during 'Love is an Open Door' or how he's clearly endearing himself to Anna by mirroring his personality to hers. Guy's like a fucking chameleon!

Me: Perhaps that's the creepiest thing about him, that he's so evil but yet so convincing as the 'good guy.' Look at the expression on his face when he tells Elsa that Anna is dead, and when he's about to execute her!

S: I think it was a great move of Disney to play up the classic 'good guy prince' and then flip it on its head and reveal him for what he is. He's one of Disney's ONLY villains who is not only pleasing on the eyes, but manages to fool the viewer until the very end of the film.

I don't think I'm exaggerating here. If you notice, the previous Disney villains, when introduced, made it quite clear to the viewer that they were going to be the antagonists of the film and weren't in the same boat as the protagonists (Frollo, Gaston, Scar, Ratcliffe, Clayton and Doctor Facillier).

Or, and this one shows up commonly in Disney, they were physically repugnant compared to the heroes.

Jafar, Cruella, Maleficent, Medusa are all emancipated as fuck. Ursula, Ratcliffe, and the Queen of Hearts are morbidly obese while Shan Yu has got grey skin and jaundice? I don't know WHAT the hell they were doing with him.

As for the attractive Disney villains, they lost their looks by the end of the film due to their villainous actions. Maleficent and Queen Narisa turned into terrifying dragons, Queen Grimhilde made herself into an old hag, Rourke, Gaston and Clayton's composed appearances fall apart to show how THEY'RE the real beasts, while Mother Gothel's true form is an ugly old crone.

Basically, Hans is the first legit Disney villain to give the middle finger to the whole 'Good is beautiful, Evil is ugly.' He's one who has the viewer's debating his true motives long after the film. Were his 'good' moments before the reveal all an act to win the people of Arendelle, or was he honestly doing them out of the goodness out of his own heart?

Me: You know, THAT is exactly why I think he's great! He's complicated!

Yes, his acts were despicable, but unlike the Duke, he didn't indicate he had any plans at all to exploit Arendelle. I think he just wanted a quick way to the throne, and was prepared to kill ANYONE who threatened that. Well, with thirteen brothers, what chance did he have of becoming King in his own Kingdom? Probably about the same chance as Prince Harry over here, and he doesn't even have thirteen brothers!

He also had a good plan to worm his way in with Anna; relating to how they'd both felt neglected by their siblings, though his were clearly doing it to be malicious – if he was telling the truth, that is. He came to Arendelle though, with the intention to murder Elsa. That's just cruel! It's probably just as well she wasn't as gullible as Anna; Elsa was wary of him from the start! And Kristoff, he hadn't even met Hans, but couldn't believe Anna had got engaged to someone she'd only just met.

I do, however, think that might have been a little dig by Disney at all the romances of their past films, cos, let's face it, not many of them REALLY got to know each other before they fell in love!

S: They did the same in 'Enchanted', but I think they handled it even better in 'Frozen'.

Mostly because, in 'Enchanted', the main conflict of the plot is that Giselle is becoming more integrated in the real world compared to the Disney universe she came from and has fallen in love with Robert instead of the archetype Disney prince, Edward.

But, in 'Frozen', romantic love takes a back seat to everything else and it's SO goddamn refreshing. Yeah, it's the engagement that sets everything off and you've got Kristoff and Anna falling for each other, but Anna and Elsa's relationship is the real drive of the movie, from beginning to end.

Hell, apart from Merida of 'Brave' (which I STILL need to watch all the way through), Elsa's the second Disney heroine to NOT give a complete fuck about a romantic relationship!

By the way, I LOVE how HUMAN the characters in this are. The film is so different compared to the old films that it doesn't almost feel like its Disney, does it? Is this really the same company that made Aurora and Ariel?

Me: Yes it is! And I agree! Apart from the whole Snow Queen aspect of it, it could almost be a real story! It's not as if there haven't been treacherous monarchs before who would stop at nothing to get their way. Not even just monarchs, there have been plenty of criminals who've looked innocent, or seemed dependable but then were convicted of horrific crimes. Like Harold Shipman, who murdered about 250 people (that can be proven, anyway) and people trusted him!

S: Although, that one is up for debate.

Anyway, back to 'Frozen', here's another little tibit! Kristoff and Hans never interacted once throughout the whole film. I mean, you kind of expect it considering the whole 'love triangle' thing, but it never happens. He does get to punch Kristoff in the book, though I MUCH prefer Anna slugging him. Frozen heart, indeed!

I guess you could say that Hans is in league with Gaston, Clayton and Rouke in villains who put on this "good guy" act for most of the film, fooling everyone else, especially the heroes, until the very end when their true, ugly selves are revealed. Although, with Gaston and Clayton, they weren't fooling the viewer's one bit!

Me: No, and that's the great thing about him! I can't think of very many characters who fooled people throughout the entire film. Except, perhaps, Snape. Though some people had guessed that he was really Dumbledore's all along, I'm betting that there were some who believed him to be Voldemort's ally. I also wonder if many people guessed his motivation, because I have to say, I didn't!

_Dumbledore: Lily? After all this time?_

_Snape: Always_

Me: Gets me EVERY time!

S: Yes, same here. Snape was such a great character, he really made the Harry Potter series and Alan Rickman was perfect to play him.

But, we're going a little off course here.

So, to sum everything up, we love Prince Hans.

Personally, I rate him up there with the real greats, like Frollo, Maleficent and Gaston. Sure, he doesn't look _threatening_ and it's still up for debate just how evil he is, but I think that works in his favour as a Disney villain, rather than detracts from it. I mean, let's be honest, Jafar, Frollo, Mother Gothel and Cruella didn't even _try_ to hide their villainy. You only had to take _one look_ at them to know that they were going to cause trouble. But, Hans? Not only does he fool the heroes flawlessly, he fools the viewers as well. _Nobody_ would look at him and suspect the poison that lay beneath!

I also rate him because he deviates from the other Disney villains in that he's not a 'Chessmaster' or 'in your face' with his evilness.

There's nothing bad about that, but it's a nice change. Hans has a goal in mind, but he doesn't plan it out in detail beforehand, he just makes it up as he goes along, and he does so in such a cold, calculating, manipulative way that it really enhances his villainy and makes his actions appear _far_ worse when compared to other Disney villains. After all, Jafar, Ursula, Scar, etc. schemes are all grand and over the top and they all have traits that kind of soften or add some humour onto their evilness: Jafar makes jokes with Iago, Ursula has her 'babies', Hook is, well, Hook.

Their villainy is all-or nothing for them, it takes a lot of work and effort to pull them off – even years, as we see with Maleficent and Frollo. But, Hans? Plotting to kill a kingdom's Queen, wooing and manipulating her sister then leaving her to die and fooling the people of the kingdom to think he's practically a saint? He makes that shit look like the easiest thing in the world, he doesn't even falter _once_ during the film and that's both scary, but awesome!

And, the final icing on the cake, my friends: Han's aspirations are nowhere _near_ as high or hard to achieve as the other Disney villains are, yet he's still willing to go to the extremes to achieve them. Plus, he's a nice foil to Anna. He is the way he is because he grew up with no love from his family. If the trolls had removed even the memories of love from Anna's mind when she was a child, she might very well have grown up into a female Hans, bitter about Elsa shutting her out and shunning her the second her powers were revealed.

Isn't that just scary and tragic? Anna could have so easily ended up like Hans, but Hans, if he'd grown up with love, could have ended up like Anna.

Me: Even though that was a long essay, it was a very true essay. I find it really sad on both parts, having Hans have no love, but Anna remembering having so much fun with Elsa, and being so close and loving her, then suddenly, one day, being shut out. And, what, nobody could think of a single story to cover it up with?

But yes, the fact that Hans' character is actually very, very real to how some people can be, I find it frightening.

S:Uh-huh, he's a great villain and Disney character, no doubt about it.

…Now for the song!

Me: My favourite part!

S: Writing the song to the tune of 'Love is an Open Door' was the first plan, but thing is that's less a villain song and more a 'love' duet. So, I went with the most popular song in the whole film and the one that was intended to be villain song.

Yes, I'm talking about 'Let it Go'. It had to be done. Enjoy!

_As villains go, Prince Hans was real low._

_Worthy of a frozen heart._

_So bitter and full of malice._

_Who'd have thought it from the start?_

_How could he commit his crimes with such total ease?_

_Tried to kill Elsa; left Anna to freeze.  
_

_I hate that shit, I hate that dick._

_All the things he said and did make me sick._

_May that cruel brat never be free._

_Just ditch the key!_

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!_

_What a vile, hate-filled asshole._

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!_

_His white gloves mask his black soul._

_And what the fuck happened to his horse?_

_I hate Hans so much._

_He'll get what's coming to him in due course._

_For attempted regicide, being jailed was far too tame._

_And it has to be said that he gives gingers a bad name._

_He may be easy on the eyes,_

_But I still hope for his demise._

_Hang him, drown him, or to be grim…_

_Freeze him!_

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!_

_Kristoff would beat him in a fight._

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy! _

_I wish he'd got frostbite._

_He is so going to hell._

_I hate Hans so much._

_The demons have devised a torment Hans will hate._

_King of a cold, barren land will be his ironic fate._

_And he'll be frozen always, can't move or even speak._

_When he begs, they will laugh:_

_Mercy is for the weak!_

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!_

_Anna should have done a lot worse._

_Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!_

_I would have broken his dick and balls!_

_Maybe then he'll feel some remorse._

_I hate Hans so much._

_He'll get what's coming to him in due course._

Me: Bravo, S, as usual! I say, that's a celebration for more tea!

*Hollie leaves. S twiddles her thumbs, thinking about her songs and gasps. Perched on the doorframe is the biggest bloody moth you've ever seen in your life*

S: FUUUUUUUUU, IT FOLLOWED HER HERE TO MY HOME!

HOLLIE! A BUG! A BUG! THERE'S A MOTH ON THE DOOR! HEEEEEEEELP!

*S's phone beeps. She opens it and reads the message.*

From Hollie's Phone: _Hollie is dead. You're next. Love, Moth._

S: Haha, nice joke, Hollie! Now get your ass out here and deal with this giant ass moth!

*Waits some time*

Hollie! This isn't funny!

*Losing patience, goes into her kitchen and finds Hollie dead*

Oh…..

*Starts to cry, then…*

_NOOOOOOOOO!_ MY REVENGE! It should have been _ME_ who killed her! Three years of biding my time and careful planning, all gone down the drain because of a fucking _INSECT!_ _DAMN YOU, MOTH! DAMN YOU TO HELL!_ (╬ ಠ益ಠ)

*Grabs her axe*

Later readers! If I survive murdering the evil moth and bringing Hollie back to life, then see you next chapter!

*Turns back to the moth*

_TIME TO DIE, MOTH!_


	36. To do Rourke or not to do Rourke?

Me: FUCK THIS HEATWAVE!

S: We complain when it's cold and raining and then we complain when it's hot and sunny. There's just no winning with England!

Me: Well I for one would be fucking happy if I didn't feel like I was fucking melting! During my voluntary work three weeks ago, five kids collapsed thanks to this goddamn fucking sun! I fucking hate it! I would WELCOME raining weather, like we're supposed to have next week! Come on, rain!

S: Hey…wait a minute…YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! What kind of fuckery is this!? *Gasps* ZOMBIE! GHOST!

Me: Aaaah, shut up, S! I'm not a zombie or a ghost. I'm back to life, hating you like always. And by the way, I thought you were furious that a moth 'killed' me.

S: I wasn't upset that you were dead. I was upset that you were _killed_. If anyone's going to kill you, it's going to be _me_!

Me: So, what you're saying is, you're pissed that a moth outdid you?

S: FUCK YOU! *Coughs* So, in case you're wondering, dear readers, no we're _not _doing Commander Rourke from Atlantis. Now, don't get us wrong, we do plan to do him, it's just…well, Hollie and I decided we _had_ to do someone far, far worse in comparison. We're talking about a man whose despicable actions created a villain, a curse, and a whole lot of hate.

Me: We can only be talking about…King Stefan. *Retches*

S: But first, responding to the reviews!

Me: **SideshowJazz1** **–** I'm ALIVE! But was I really ever dead…? Well, I'd be interested to know how you saw it coming with Snape. At around book 5, there was a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that was more to him and Lily than his 'worst memory' let on, but it wasn't until book 7 that it all spelt out! Alan Rickman was perfect in the role! And yeah, Hans was so good at putting up the good guy act, it was scary! Thanks and enjoy the chapter!

S: **Danny –** I've never watched Mrs. Brown's Boys, but, from what I've seen, it doesn't look that bad. Hollie's seen it and went to a live show, I believe. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

Me: **DarkDancer07 –** Hello Amy, well technically, THIS is Disney's newest villain! And this film is a damn sight better than Sleeping Beauty ever was! Hope you like it!

S: **AngelOfDarkness1959 –** You and me both, Angel, you and me both. While I was surprised at the reveal, I can't say I was disappointed. I actually really like how they revealed Hans to be the villain, since it was such a good plot twist and added a lot of depth to him.

_Goddammit!_ See, that's what happens when I type too fast! Thanks for pointing it out to me. Much appreciated! And yes, we have seen Maleficent. Hollie has seen it three times, in fact. Needless to say, we love the movie and you'll hear all about it in this chapter now!

Me: I've seen it 5 times, S, five times! Keep up! I loved it so much, I chose it over Hugh Jackman's naked arse in X-Men: Days of Future Past!

S: THAT'S EVEN WORSE! I mean that to BOTH of those things! Never, NEVER choose anyone or anything else over Hugh Jackman. ESPECIALLY if he's flashing some arse!

Me: And it was a VERY nice arse! I'm just sorry it wasn't a front view….

S: Okay, that's just filthy. Get your mind out of the gutter, girl!

Me: **Rainlily216 –** I thought that too from the promotion posters and DVD cover, but to its credit, it did well with fooling even us with the sly trick of having him on the front cover with the three good people. There were subtle little clues, but even they were enough to fool even the sharpest viewer!

**King Stefan**

Me: What. A. Fucking. ASSHOLE!

S: GODDAMN this man was horrible. Just, just damn…

Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE STOLE HER FUCKING WINGS JUST SO HE COULD BE THE FUCKING KING! I think I was watching that scene with my mouth wide open!

S: I had _some_ sympathy for him at that point because the alternative was _killing_ Maleficent and it was clear that he cared for her enough not to go through with it. But, when he refused to see his distressed, dying wife because he was too busy going mad and talking to a pair of wings? Fuck him!

Me: On another side note, and sorry to be a party pooper for what was a great film, but…. King Henry said in front of a ROOM FULL of witnesses that he who kills Maleficent will become King… Then, during the christening, in walks Maleficent alive and well and nobody says a word? What?

S: Well, at that point he was the official king, chosen by the previous one, so his authority was final and, back in those days, nobody could really argue with royalty unless they wanted to be punished severely. But, if you look at some of the men's faces when Stefan is ordered to bow by Maleficent, you can see the judgement in their eyes. They _know_ the fucker lied.

Me: Yeah, and I bet they hate him for lying his way to the throne, when some of them probably would have killed Maleficent without a second thought! Stefan, at least, seemed to have SOME humanity in him when he threw away the knife…at least until he got that chain out.

Anyway, there are some very strong similarities between Maleficent and Frozen. Wicked too, actually, though that isn't a Disney production. Both of the heroes were misunderstood and seen to be villains. Elphaba and Maleficent, both because of looks, and with Elsa and Maleficent, actions played a part. Sure, as the viewers, we saw a protector fighting to save her land from a greedy, vain King who wanted it for its riches, but his armies saw a dangerous enemy who was responsible for his downfall.

S: Not to mention the curse thing _really_ didn't help matters…

Another similarity with Frozen is how the concept of "true love" is completely subverted. While in the past Disney films, true love was strictly to further the central romance of the plot, in Frozen and Maleficent is was all about sibling love and platonic love respectively.

Me: And I love it. I don't know about anyone else, but all this soppy wetness and love at first sight was becoming really tiresome. Disney is becoming darker and even slyer with their characters. Angelina Jolie, by the way, did an excellent job! I especially loved her scenes with her daughter, Vivienne, as the young Aurora, especially when she wanted her to pick her up. :D

S: That bit was just _adorable!_ The kid was so cute! I really liked the bit where she interacts with baby Aurora. The baby's facial expressions were spot on and Angelina Jolie was so funny! Also, while we're talking about what the film did well, I thought it was great how they portrayed the three fairies as wholly terrible at their jobs.

Me: Oh my GOD, those fairies pissed me off more than Fauna, Flora or Merryweather. Of ALL the bad choices Stefan made – besides betraying Maleficent – entrusting Aurora to those idiots was by far one of the worst! Maleficent ended up looking after her! I was killing myself laughing during the scenes where Maleficent was winding them up! And on a different note…. I LOVE DIAVAL!

S: Diaval was one of the shining stars of the film, yes. I'm glad he didn't 'die' in this version like he did in the original Sleeping Beauty film. That would have sucked. As for Stefan, well, by the time he died, he'd acted like such a unimaginable bastard that I was glad.

I went through the film thinking he'd end up redeeming himself in some way, but no. He just got worse and worse and worse…

Me: The battle scene actually shocked me a little. I mean, I knew somewhere along the line, the fact that iron burnt fairies would play a part, especially as Maleficent made a point of mentioning it, but when that iron net fell from the ceiling, I think I jumped in my chair! Then, when he tortured her with that chain and was about to impale her! One of my favourite moments was when he wings came back to her, and Stefan was like, "Oh, fuck" when he saw it was Aurora who freed them!

S: You know what's really sad? The fact that the poor Queen died in such distress and never got to really know her daughter. Maleficent at least got her wings back while Aurora had a happy ending, but the Queen never got any of that. Talk about depressing!

Me: I know, it was terrible, and it was ALL thanks to Stefan. It can be argued that the stress of knowing about the curse and Maleficent played a part in her death, but the bottom line was that it all came down to Stefan and his selfishness and desire for power.

S: I don't think that's any excuse. The curse and his feud with Maleficent could wait for a couple of minutes while he went to comfort his dying wife. If Maleficent could take the time to look out for Aurora and have some fun, so could he.

But, he didn't, because he's a terrible human being who refused to own up to the shit he started. If he'd _just_ apologised to Maleficent, it might not have needed to escalate. Him marrying another woman so quickly after stealing her wings was real low as well. He _knew_ she was in love with him and he'd led her to believe that he returned that love.

Me: That, I think was the most devastating thing. Just like with Anna and Hans in Frozen, when she woke up and realised her wings were gone, and what Stefan had done, her cries were _harrowing_! And he heard it! He had the choice then to put things right, but still returned to the castle and gave the wings to King Henry. Stefan, I think, is one of the most despicable villains in recent film history! Even when Maleficent spared him at the end, he _still_ tried to kill her!

S: I don't think there was any chance of him walking away like she told him to do. He was too full of hatred and madness and he'd lost everything just to get the chance to kill her. In Stefan's mind, as long as Maleficent lived, she'd always be out to get him in his mind, always his sin and guilt walking in the flesh, ready to ruin everything for him.

He isn't unlike most Disney villains in that regard. Name me a Disney villain who actually did the smart thing and take the hero's advice when they were given the option to just let it end there once and for all.

Still, this does have me wondering. If Aurora was responsible for telling 'Maleficent', the _real_ story, then who was it who came up with 'Sleeping Beauty' that painted Maleficent as a villain and Stefan as a good, just king?

Me: I wondered that. The three good fairies? Any one of Stefan's noblemen? Hmmm, anyway, I think it's time for the gravestone.

S: I'm convinced it's the three good fairies. They were the 'heroes' of 'Sleeping Beauty', seeing as they were the only reason Prince Phillip succeeded in beating Maleficent. Anyway, onto the gravestone!

_Here lies King Stefan_

_Born – Oh for fuck's sake, everyone is born 'Once Upon a Time' in fairy tales, how the fuck are we supposed to know for sure?_

_Died – Oh, but when he hit the ground from a great height, no doubt breaking every bone in his hate filled body!_

_. So, he chose power over the only true friend he was ever shown to have. Would have made a great episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. I can just hear Kyle now, yelling 'BE A MAN!'_

_.Don't forget shouting him down for doing NOTHING for his daughter while Maleficent did all the work. For those wondering, Jeremy Kyle is the British equivalent of the 'Jerry Springer Show', only more cringe-worthy, less ridiculous. The people that go on it are the lowest of the low and all, coincidentally, fat or ugly. Stefan would fit right in. _

_. It was sad that the desire for revenge on Maleficent came before even his daughter. You'd think that after the Queen died, he wouldn't want to let Aurora out of his sight once they were reunited, but no. He chose to have her locked up in her room after a completely unemotional reunion. That shows how little he thought of her over sixteen years. _

_And even when he saw Aurora awake and well after her death sleep….it NEVER occurred to him to ask who woke her up? After all, it certainly wasn't him!_

_. I find it ironic that he went so loopy over the curse, but it was HIM who caused his own undoing in the end, not Maleficent like he feared. _

_. Fuck you, Stefan. Fuck you so much! _

S: I think we're done here. What about you?

Me: I'll keep my thoughts to myself… I'm thinking Resignation Letter: Take 2.

S: *Gasps* Hollie, you don't mean… :O

Me: Oh, yes! In case you're wondering, readers, what we're talking about, basically, in my old job, I hated my manager. So, when I resigned, I wrote the mother of all "fuck you" letters about him. I never sent it, but it was incredibly satisfying writing it and hearing it read, especially given it's…contents.

S: Wow, you must really hate Stefan then.

Me: Well, the fact that he has a similar name to my old manager, Steven, doesn't help either.

S: Or, rather than the letter, we could just change the lyrics of 'Once Upon a Dream'? :P

Me: Go for it.

S: Yay! :D

_We hate you; you deserved what you got in the end._

_We hate you, for turning against your one and only true friend._

_And, yes, it's true that the curse sent you round the bend._

_But, because you suck, we don't give a fuck._

_It was all your fault, you brought it on yourself in the end._

_And, we can't believe that you didn't grieve._

_Your dying wife's death, that was such a dick move in the end._

_We hate you; you never even missed your own child._

_We hate you; the memory of your reign shall be reviled._

_And, it must be said, we can't recall a moment you smiled._

_So, let's end with this, Stefan takes the piss._

_It could have been worse, all things considering, it was mild._

Me: Pahaha! Amusing, S, highly amusing! You do have a talent for the piss take songs! I was singing 'Fuck that Guy' for about a week straight after writing it!

S: I loved writing that song. It was hard, but so much fun. Anyway! Next chapter, we PROMISE that we'll do Rourke. No last minute changes this time, enough is enough!

Me:….

We shall see, S. We shall see….. Anyway, I make that 11:40 at night, S, I think it's time to get some sleep! After all, _SOME_ people have work tomorrow…..

S: Don't remind me! Goddamn it, WHY did I agree to overtime!?

Me: I shall just say: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

S: You know, you died once already, I can just happily make it that you die a second time. Do you WANT to go join your moth friend in the hell I sent it to!?

Me: The moth is my friend for a reason! Anyway, all, cheerio!

S: Laters!


End file.
